Commitment Phobia and Singles
Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment. When we speak of commitment phobia among singles, we are referring to folks who avoid commiting to long term relationships such as marriage. People who suffer from committment phobia come in all varieties. Commitment phobes (no, I didn’t make this term up!) can be both male and female, Christian and non-Christian, teens, single parents or seniors.
Commitment phobia among singles can occur for several reasons. However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. This is a sad catch-22 situation.
Afterwards, these singles loathe themselves for acting so stupidly. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Many of these singles, Christian or not, are incapable of making a commitment without therapeutic help, patience and lots of prayer.
Unfortunately, it is not just the person with commitment phobia who suffers. Many times singles looking for love get hooked in by the charm and manipulation of commitment phobic singles, who may or may not know what pain they are about to unload on the unsuspecting person.
The pain cycle of someone who gets stuck on a person with committment phobia:
- The Allurement-This is the place where manipulation and romance occurs.
- The Abandonment-Just as the single who is not afraid of commitment thinks the “relationship” is going somewhere, the commitment phobe inexplicably withdraws from the friendship. Needless to say, this leaves the other single devestatingly heartbroken, confused and feeling rejected. Can we get a few amens out there from some people who have suffered through this?
Avoiding Singles With Commitment Phobia
The best way to avoid a heartbreak with this kind of person is to spot the tell tale signs of a commitment phobic person. I guess I should be honest at this point and tell you that most singles who suffer from commitment phobia are, you guessed it, men. Anyway, here are some signs, and if you find most of them in the person you are really into…run for the hills before it’s too late:
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He comes on real strong, making you think he is really smitten by your charms.
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Pulls out everything but the “kitchen sink” in making you believe he is your perfect match. For example, if you like something, he will say he likes the same thing.
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Indicates you are that “long lost soulmate” he has been waiting and praying for all of his life.
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In the beginning he tries to spend every moment he can with you. Often, he will call you just to say what he knows you want to hear, like “I miss you.”
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Talks about a life together in the future. For example, “When we have our kids I would love to live here.” This gives the impression that he is planning on staying with you forever.
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He has a horrible past relationship history, but makes you believe this time it will finally work.
If you are a single Christian who has commitment phobia, but knows it is destroying your life and those around you, know that there is hope. Our recommendation is to contact a church in your local area, and ask for a counseling referral. If you don’t have a local church, New Life Ministries offers a 24 hour international counseling hotline. You can call toll free at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. If you reside in NJ contact our own ministry at Oasis-Church-NJ.com, or call us at 732-406-7821
Finally, consider helping other singles by sharing your experiences with commitment phobia.
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thanks it helped me like soo so much
you rock Christian helper people!
J
this is so true, speaking from my experience. I once dated this guy, he is an atheist (I know…I know…I can see many eyes are rolling here
He came on very strongly at first, it was like a period of non-stop texting, chatting and calling for almost two months. Lots of talks about family and marriage plans. And yeah, threw in a couple of “I’m willing to convert to Christianity” on the way as well. Needless to say, after I gave him a go-ahead and we’d been dating for two months, he almost never bothered to make an effort to communicate. It was always I who made the approach. Anyways…let bygones be bygones, and let go be let God 
This is so true. I once dated an atheist (I know…I can see many eyes are rolling here
He came on very strongly at first, it’s like a period of non-stop texting, chatting, calling, like he couldn’t get enough of me. There were plenty of talks about marriage, building a family, future, and oh, he threw in that “I’m willing to convert” subject as well. My mistake, and sin, was that I did not pray about it first, and just gave assumed that God sent him to me, and that he was the one. Needless to say, after I gave him the go-ahead and we had been dating for almost 2 months, he started to distant himself, saying that he was too busy to call or text. It was always me who initiated the communication. On the fourth month I couldn’t take it anymore and called the whole thing off.
Dear Monanea,
Doesn’t it make you laugh (and want to kick yourself) when you read something so classic and know that you fell for it yourself?
I find it difficult sometimes to decipher what is my will verses God’s will. If this guy was put in your path, shouldn’t that mean it was His will? God is sovereign, right?
He is! He is all powerful and can choose to allow or disallow anything He desires. We have to be very careful that we pray and listen for an answer from God on His will. It may not be this booming voice from the sky that says “STOP! This is going to be BAD!” It oftens comes in the form of a little whisper in our ears that lets us know this just doesn’t feel right.
I sometimes have a really tough time knowing if I am listening to my will (or HIS will) We can ignore those whispers, shut them out, especially when the voice that we want to hear is much louder!
It sounds like this guy knew exactly how to appeal to you and played you like a violin. Our beleifs can be preyed upon easily. Ask God to fufill all the promises He made. The breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and the belt of truth. (Ephesians 6:10-19)
God Bless,
Jodi