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Sex Life of Christian Singles

sex life of single christians can be messed up

John is a thirty-something Christian single whose sex life is a real mess! After just promising God through tears that he would clean up his sex life, and not have sex again with his Christian girlfriend, he ended up in the sack this past Saturday night for the umpteenth time.

John is now depressed over his lack of sexual purity. He also knows his sex life is out of control, but doesn’t know where to turn. He is afraid others will judge him, and is embarrassed to discuss his sex life with a counselor. Worst of all, John feels God can’t forgive him of this sexual sin because it happens over and over again.

Does this story sound familiar to you? If I had a penny for every time I heard single women and single men sing the “sex life blues”, I’d be able to retire. Fact is, many single Christians walk around with guilt, depression and heaviness of heart due to sex life sins that so easily entangle them.

If you are one of the many people struggling (like myself) with temptations in your sex life, please know that our Lord has not abandoned you. There is no sin too great that he cannot forgive; no wound too deep that He cannot heal. Just go to Him humbly, and be honest about your sex life. Pour out your heart and Jesus will meet you where you are, and bring peace.

Verse Of The Day

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1John 1:9.

Quote Of The Day

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that God will not forgive. You cannot “out-sin” His forgiveness. You cannot “out-sin” the love of God.

Kathy Troccoli

Related Posts:

Masturbation and Christian Singles

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24 Comments

  1. Hi, I see this was written awhile ago but thank you!!!! I too struggle as a single Christian woman. And as much as I can talk to my girlfriends about it, I sometimes dont want to. I am so affraid of hurting their walk!! I have been a Christian much longer than most of my friends and I feel like God has put me in a role where I can lead them (along with Him). So to always admit these is hard for me, and then when I do, I feel AWEFUL! Sexual sin is such a huge issue in my life. I dont have a boyfriend but my childrens father comes in and out of the picture. He is not a Christian, so to him this is no biggie. But what kind of example am I to him when I give into the passions of my lust??? Its like a big mess that I keep promising God I wont EVER do agin, and yet…..even when I think I am the strongest, Satan takes me down. I hate feeling like this. I hate my continual failures. Unfortunatly this morning yet another episode occured. We didnt go all out but we did go to far!! I have confessed already and I know God forgives me…..its the after-shock, as I call it, of emotions that linger for so long. So why do I still give in? I just dont get it. Thanks for your blog, especially today.

    In Him,
    Gretchin

  2. David Butler (Author)

    Dear Gretchin

    Thank you for sharing from the heart. The Lord will honor your honesty about your sexual truggles. I wish all Christian could be as real.
    And remember, He sees your heart\’s desire to follow and obey, and will give you the strength you need. You confessed your \”stuff\”, so don\’t let Satan beat you up further. You are forgiven and pure in His sight. Take cheer, and keep in touch.

  3. Brigitte

    Omigosh Gretchin, I am feeling just as you are! As a teen I was very much into the secular world.I would drink, have sex, treat myself like i was nothing but a sex object. when i was 18, i fell in love and for the first time had sex with someone because i loved them not because i wanted to be acceptable. I became pregnant and had a baby girl :) My daughters father was out of our life for a long time, all through my pregnancy and my daughters first year of life. during that time i truly dedicated myself to God. It was a long process of coming to know Him but the final step was reading Malcolm Smith’s, The Power of The Blood Covenant and I was swept off my feet by the gospel. The holy spirit made His home in me and I could sense it each day. I lived for Him, I got baptised and I dedicated my days to Him..not doing works For Him to earn something but simply being obedient out of complete love for Him. i Just wanted to make Him smile. I was literally living in Heaven and it was wonderful. My daughters father came back into our life and after a few months we fell in love again. Well, I’m back where I was before to say the least. I’ve tried so hard to not have sex or be at all intimate but I have failed miserably on occasion. Where is God in those times? I’m feeling so far from Him, so ashamed, so embarrased to come before Him. I never imagined being in this place again. Tonight was my first night i read up on Singleness and Sex as a Christian. Its great to know there’s someone out there who feels like I do. This world is so sex oriented. My boyfriend is not a Christian and everytime i cry before him about what we have just done, he doesnt get it at all and I feel so embarrased and confused. His holy spirit dwells within me, i just don’t know how to submit at those moments. I am so dissapointed in myself, i just feel like life is so hard.
    Brigitte

  4. David Butler (Author)

    Dear Brigitte:

    Thanks for your open heart sharing. My dear sister, we will be praying for your struggles, which are our struggles as well. May I humbly suggest that if you really want to live victoriously in this area of sex that you end your relationship with your non Christian boyfriend?

  5. Susan

    I just found this website. I just wanted to say that I am divorced, two failed marriages. Lately for a while now, I have been so lonely. I have been hurt a lot in the past, but at the same time-don’t want to close my heart to ever loving again. I personally have never slept around, but would never judge someone who is a christian who has. Take care those who are struggling with this.

  6. Artemisia

    Iam a divorced 33 year old christian and my whole life I have been having horrible feelings of guilt, as a tenager with masturbation, young adult fornication and after a sexless marriage I decided to stop longing and feeling guilty and live my sexual life normally for the first time. Normally for worldy standards. I am definitely not promiscuos, but I have been always had a very strong sexual drive. Now I am definitelly not interested in marriage. I dont think I will ever be, not just because of my own experience, but married life is not attractive for me at all. I have been praying and do not know what to do. I dont want to deprive myself of whatever should be normal in my life, as sex is. I am not going to get married JUST to have sex. Iam confused and my shame takes me away from God. I have been taught that if I have sex and i am not married, I wont be able to approach God, so having a boyfriend and regukar sex with him meand I am completely away form the Bible and from God. Am I looking for a loophole? A way to have God in my life and also guilt-free-sex? I dont want to life a sexless life or a Godless lif but the idea of marriage makes me lower my head and sight heavily. I need help.

  7. kevin

    Hi,
    I have been a Christian since 1972 when i was single at the age of 20, Im now 56 and been divorced for 9 years and not remarried yet or ever for that matter.
    I long for intimacy sexually and emotionally with a woman but i seem to be in a holding pattern of finding the elusive mate. I don’t sleep around but I masturbate off and on as any normal healthy man would.
    I desire sex before marriage and may not want marriage because in the USA we have a divorce rate higher than all other countries, so we more than likely will be divorced again possibly.
    The Christian perspective here is good, but the divorce rate is just as high in the Church as it is out there in the secular environment of life, so this tells me one: We as a people are not really listening to Gods Word and instruction on marriage, divorce or sexual matters as we think we are. So is being a Christian valid anymore?..this is where i am at ..I daily talk and pray with god, yet i feel a bit lost and disconnected most of the time from what God is actually doing in my life or not doing.
    Do i feel guilty..yes..do i get depressed..yes, do I have fun..yes..do I ask God to bring a mate..yes.
    Some what disillusioned by the christian walk.
    Kevin

  8. Melody

    In regard to sex and Christian singles, if everyone would get back to the basics of what the Bible actually tells us is right and wrong, theses situations would not be nearly as hard as they are. We wouldn’t be faced with such difficult decisions. But lets face it, that is not how the world is anymore. If you are a true Christian and truly want to do what God wants you to do, you are going to get persecuted for it. I know it hurts.

    I am a divorced mother of two, and after learning this from experience, just as many of you have, I have made a personal decision not to give in. If I stand for what is right, then God will take care of me. Look for a good Christian guy who has good Christian morals. He may be hard to find, but lowering your standards about sex, or thinking that you can “convert” your boyfriend is just going to bring you pain in the end. So hang in there, and remember when you get lonely in your search, how great it will be when you find someone who has the same convictions as you, and is right beside you in your walk with God.

  9. David Butler (Author)

    Susan, Artemisia,Kevin and Melody:

    Dear brothers and sisters, thanks so much for sharing your hearts freely on our site. The more Christian singles see how others are going through similar stuff, the more healing there will be. We are praying for each one of you, and please let us know how you are all doing.

    David
    http://oasis-church-nj.com/

  10. Jennifer

    This is the first time I’ve ever posted a comment on a blog. I feel like I’ve joined some secret society of shame or something…we all have our stories, sometimes it’s healing to hear them all, and sometimes I’d like to just become a hermit and never walk outside my door ever again. So yeah…sex…why doesn’t God care? Like so many other Christians, I wanted to save myself for marriage, and like so many others,I failed. I can remember reading all the Christian dating books like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “Passion and Purity”. I would read them so fast and with so much energy, hoping to find help and strength but then when I finished them I would throw them angrily on the floor or accross the room, sobbing hysterically from pain and dispair, feeling like a second class Christian, that there was something wrong with me, that God hated me because I wanted to know what sex was like but didn’t want to disobey Him, but couldn’t trust Him or believe that He would ever bring that person into my life. Like so many others I fell by the wayside and couldn’t do it. I was depressed, suicidal. Finally I made a bargain with the devil it seemed and thought that if I could just release myself from the horrible longing it would buy me more time for redemption than damn me to hell by suicide. Thats how aweful it was.

    I felt so relieved after I did it, and I didn’t even feel guilty like I thought I would, but that scared me to death. How could that be? And when the relationship didn’t work out, the pain was more aweful than anything I had ever experienced. I understand now why God didn’t want that for us.

    My depression after the end of that relationship was worse than anything I ever felt before. I felt so dead and so numb inside, I was so far from God because of my bitterness and grief. I went on a rampage, dating and sleeping with anything and anyone who asked me. I felt nothing, it was so unbelievably empty and unsatisfying. It just made me even more dead on the inside.

    I don’t know what to say to my brothers and sisters who struggle and fall along with me. Is my story worth anything? Will God ever come through for us with answers? Why do some people get to be married while others just suffer in bitterness and shame? Is there any hope for us? All I can say is, Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in the world. Our Lord has overcome the prince of the power of the air, and that includes the power of lust and immorality. He might bother us sometimes, but our Lord is stronger still, even stronger than lust. I truly believe that the power of lust can be broken once we understand that the power of lust and sorrow and bitterness work together, never alone. God does love us and care about us but the devil tells us otherwise. When we behold His awesome presence, we’ll look at lust and laugh at its puniness. Let’s help each other keep ourselves in the love of God! Let’s pray for each other. Our high priest knows our suffering and has overcome for us. Let’s not give up. The devil just exploits what God made to imobilize us so we can’t be or do anything that we were meant to be. Let’s just believe that God really does love us and will help us. God created us for sex to begin with. What would the devil do without God’s creation? He is just a master manipulater and a deceiver. That is all he will ever be. Amen.

  11. geertje

    How courageous to share your story. I do believe we need to be honest more and pray more for each other! I do know that’s not always the answer. Am struggling with a depression myself as I do not know if I can marry my boyfriend who is a divorced christian. No matter what others say: I need to find peace myself and that is what is so hard, as I can’t seem to come to peace with the fact that we need to stay close to what God says litterally in the bible, while He also forgives. As my boyfriends ex-wife is still free and a christian, it seems like they would need to reconsile, but after 12 years that seems impossible and not what my boyfriend wants ofcourse. He wants to move on and believes in Gods new chance for him. Why can I not believe that? I want to follow the line of the Kingdom, but isn’t that also freedom and joy?
    I don’t want to ever give up believing, but need more of Gods spirit I guess to be strong in this and wise. Gotta make a decision soon as it doens’t help both of us. We don’t seem to be able to move on.

  12. Dayspring

    All of you singles need to wake up and realize that the problem is not your healthy, God given sex drive. The problem is, you have not followed God’s express will in getting married (and staying married) in a timely manner. John, if you want to have sex with your Christian girlfriend, why not marry her? She’s probably just waiting for you to ask. You have no right to treat her in the way you have. You are asking for the rights of husband without the responsibility.
    Grow up and accept your role as husband, stop trying to repress your desires (well, maybe just long enough to get married, like a month or two!) I don’t understand why so many singles wait for years for “God’s Will” for their life, or maybe Ms. America or Mr. Universe to come into their life and be “the one.”
    God said in the beginning “It is not good that man should be alone.”
    Yes, I am married, and I love it, but I am hurting for a friend that is still single at 32, with no current male prospects in sight. I believe that there are not enough Christian men actively searching for a wife in the way God intended. Being single is easier, they must think.
    For those singles that are having a tough time with purity, you might try a different, more chapperoned approach. Also, consider that it should take only a couple or a few months to know if you are dating someone that is a comparable marriage partner. If they are not, move on. If they are, ask for a committment. None of those 3 year engagements (what is that for?). Use wisdom and time to you advantage. Don’n ask for trouble.

    I know you are struggling to find peace. Please know there is nothing wrong with the way God designed you. If you are “gifted” to be single, you will be happy with celabacy. If you are not content with that, you are called to marriage.

    God bless

  13. kimberly

    I want to start by saying I’m not judging you because I too as a Christian have struggles. I have someone that lives with me and he is not saved and recently I had sex with him and it broke my heart to do that because I knew instantly that I had sinned against God. But I remembered that God said there is no sin unforgiven but blasphemy against the word of God, but also (im para phrasing) be not habitual in your sinning. Have a sincere heart and ask him to keep you and deliver you from that lusting. I pray you and all saints will be blessed and live by God’s commandments. That way we wont need this web site.

  14. Sparks

    Hey, I think every human being some time i our life is faced with sexual ” confusion”. My advice to u all is to continue to seek the face of God. And conserate urselves before him. He is able. Jus desire it

  15. James

    Am blogging in 4 the first time. A christian. I am a habitual masturbator. When am done, it is when i feel guilt. Please help me.

  16. Audrey

    Brigitte,
    Wow! You and I could have a lengthy conversation. Our stories are quite similar. I was a back-slidden Christian, and got pregnant at age 19 to a 24 year-old man I was deeply in love with. As it turned out, the feelings were not mutual. He didn’t speak to me or my daughter more than a handful of times for the first four years of her life. I was angry, bittern, and unforgiving, until he asked for forgiveness around her fourth birthday. After a failed marriage, and having him in my life, we redeveloped an intimate relationship. I excused the sex in nearly every way I could. The number one excuse was that he was the father of my child, and we’ve already been together sexually, so it wasn’t much of an ordeal. What I should’ve been focusing on was not escaping sexual temptation, but escaping a relationship in which I was unequally yoked. He had been back in my daughters life for over a year. He and I were dating for about 5 months, and he abandoned us again. He hasn’t spoken to either of us in about 2 months now. I was so devastated, and heartbroken for my daughter as well. Not to mention, she has two older sisters who were very much involved in her life. The situation is a mess, but isn’t God beautiful?! He rushed to my rescue once again, and healed my broken heart. He helped me realize that I need a man of God. He loves us too much to allow us to stay where we’re at spiritually. He wants us to grow. He also wants us to make the decision to follow him before he even intervenes. If it is your true desire to be with the father of your child (which I understand, and can relate to) I ask that you seek first the one who will always be faithful to you. He understands the desires of your heart. Pray for the salvation of the one you love, and for the reunion of your family. I will pray that you’ll have peace and strength throughout it all.

  17. Jon Marquis

    While I do appreciate your help for this pervasive and uncomfortable subject, there is a quote herein that needs to be addressed. The quote by Kathy Troccoli says there is absolutely nothing that God will not forgive — but that is not Biblical. Jesus is quoted as saying that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is unforgivable. I know it’s not related to the subject of masturbation, but by including it, it detracts from the credibility of what you’re saying simply because it’s not true — one of those association things. While I don’t get tangled up in it, others may not be as adept at separating this one untrue statement with the other truths you have written.

  18. ATawny

    WOW!! I thought I was the only one on earth who did this! I felt like it anyway…… being of the world and having sex with your bf/gf is a normal thing BUT then you get saved and WOAH! its So NOT good and a sin and UGH! frustrating at times to not want it :(

    But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
    -Romans 7:17-20

  19. Cath

    Ugh!! I’m 30, been a christian for almost 10 years, have seen my friends getting married and having children one after the other…Every christian guy I’ve liked has fallen in love with someone else…now, I’m dating someone who is not a christian (yet) and am so frustrated!! I want a godly man but they all go after someone else! I get a lot of male attention but never from real godly men. I want to wait for marriage but my boyfriend is pretty tempting to me and I need to remind him and myself quite often that I want to wait until I’m married to have sex and that I won’t marry someone who is not a christian. He lives right above from me, we see each other everyday… I’ve been praying so hard for him to get saved, he’s been asking question about my faith and I keep wondering why things don’t go faster!! I’m so tired of watching everyone get married and start a family but not me… I’m so happy for them but wonder why not me?? When WILL it be MY turn???? I hate this situation!! The godly men I’ve wanted are all with someone else and the one man I want who wants me in return is not a christian…so frustrating!!!

  20. Amy

    I’m married but I consider myself single. Weve been married 45 years and hadn’t lived really together for 45 years. The day after our wedding he informed me he hated sex with me, thought it was disgusting, smelly,messy, had no meaning, was pointless, and way to much work, plus it the most horrible thing to do to a human body. Needless to say I have no family, no real husband to care for me or about me. We are only house mates he lives in the basement and I upstairs. I’ve been trying for years to figure out what happened and why. I work at a church and I’ve approached our pastor to talk to him. They talk for hours but he avoids all question related to our marriage. He hasn’t talked to me personally in years, he has nothing to do with me. I just wish before I die that my questions would answered

  21. Lachelle

    i knw this forum is old but i looked it up just to see what it had to say. I’m 34 yrs old and have compromised the whole 34 years only to still be single and childless. I wonder if I would have waited on God would I be married with children by now. My advice would be to wait on the Lord. It can save you time, pain and the stress that comes from being with the wrong one. To wait on the Lord doesnt mean sit and wait. It means to go on with your daily life, doing the things that gives Him pleasure. I’m sure as you’re walking out the walk you will run into that mate God designed just for you. I’m sure the wait will be worth it b/c I know its not always easy to resist, but imagine yourself finally in a healthy, happy relationship and anyone who expects you to compromise is most likely not the one.

  22. Eliza

    Hi ,i was waiting for a Christian .i wanted to fall in love ,marry and have children who will be blessed with gods love .somewhere i failed .. lost track .along came a guy not a Christian who fell in love with me .proposed to me .i fell for him .i kissed him .i went out with him .never had penetrative sex .but this is not what i wanted .he is caring and loving .i never had anyone loving me when all my friends had someone .i guess that’s why i felt the need to have someone .i think of breaking up with him . I know we both don have any future .he won’t convert .nor can he take me to his parents house neither can i .i will only see him for a year .cause this is my last year in college .after this we both will go our separate ways and we both know this .the thing is i don wanna commit any more sins so the only way is to breakup with him .but. Its gonna be so hard for me to do that …and i know he does love me .pls help me i don know what to do …

  23. tracy

    REAL TALK:
    I am currently not having sex and i am a Chrustian single female, and it is NOT EASY!!!! All because, i’ve been married before. it is really easy to say DON’T HAVE SEX than done. Everyday it is a challenge its almost like walking on flaming hot coal, because that heat constantly reminds me of the sin!! In fact, how can you tell someone whose been married for 5, 10, 15 , 20 or even 30 years and now the marriage ends and now your sexual desires has to DIE and has to be cut off. WOW!!! I don’t have the answers… but I do know that prayer changes things. I’m just venting because I know that there are millions of single Christian men and women in the world that are feeling the same way, burning with desire to love and have a healthy sex life in christ

  24. Esi

    Hi, I’m 19 and I masturbate. I started watching pornography last year just after I thought I could congratulate myself on going a long time without sexual sin. I really hate myself for it… All of it. I’ve decided so many times that I really can’t be worth much to God. I’m useless, very unreliable to Him. One day, I’m happy and filled with praise for Him, the next day, I can’t hear the Holy Spirit urging me to flee from temptation. I hate that I keep failing God but I’m really thankful that I found this page and I’ll be praying for all of us.

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