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Christian Dating Guy Sounds Off

The following article is from Eric, a Christian single and one of our Christian Dating Service PLUS! readers addressing why nice Christian single guys have such a hard time finding a nice Christian girl. Respond as you wish:

Though I feel that what I have to say might be taken as offensive, especially to those of you who were given the gift of being a female, I hope to offer it as perhaps a different take on this issue. My prayer is that you will truly hear all of what I have to say first and attack it with a biblical mentality if the need arises to do so. I will try to be brief, but I fear that I cannot.

I whole-heartedly agree with the qualities listed, and I feel that, likewise, a Christian man should look for similar qualities in a girl, though in different degrees and perhaps with different emphasis. However, this has become a great frustration of mine. A little bit of background about myself first perhaps would help. I am 24 and have only dated one girl ever. However, we dated for about 7 years, and I was months away from proposing when she broke up with me. We remain friends to this day, and I would not classify our breakup as a messy one. Although some would rightfully argue that we were very young for some of those years, I would have to concede that both of us come from solid Christian families, were valedictorians of our high school, and have each always been actively involved in church and various community organizations and activities. I would offer, and I truly believe, that we were both relatively mature for our age. Furthermore, though each of us has hurt the other through the natural course of a relationship, for the most part I would have to say that we very much honored God in that relationship.

During the one and a half years since breaking up, I have learned a tremendous amount about love, relationships, forgiveness, and healing a broken heart. God has used this situation, though at times I had wished He hadn’t, to teach me strength, integrity, and how to more closely rely on Him. I have learned that true love is not about one’s own happiness, as so often our society preaches, but about sacrificing your own wants and desires for the betterment of another. This is not to say that one should become a miserable wreck, serving every want of that other person, while living in a personal misery. Contrarily, I have found that the model of true love, given to us by God Himself, is one of patient forgiveness, calm direction, and at times, confident discipline.

To get to the point: it has been my observation that a large number of Christian women want so badly to find a man embodying the characteristics listed, and yet will find all sorts of reasons to either shy away from any kind of a commitment with such a man, or will allow themselves to be pursued by men who don’t fit such standards.

It will be very hard for me to not seem arrogant to you with only the option to write you my words instead of live them in person, but please try to hear what I am really saying. In reference to the points above: 1. God is my Saviour and I strive to walk closer with Him daily, despite the pain I sometimes must go through 2. I very openly have shared my feelings with those I care deeply for 3. I have a dry sense of humor, but this girl has always said that I was good at making her laugh, for the right reasons, and we always had random acts of goofy entertainment as well as lots of healthy, God-centered romance 4. I have an amazing, well-paying job as an engineer, have very little debt, and have a God-given gift for managing finances 5. This is where I slack! Not really, so much. I played sports throughout high school and intramurals in college, but am not rippling with muscles nor do I look like Matthew McConaughey (unfortunately, right girls?!)

Furthermore, this girl to this day still says she finds me attractive, funny, and looks up to me as a spiritual leader. So my question is: What am I doing wrong?

Honestly, I love this girl so incredibly much. She is far more attractive to me in every single way than any other girl I’ve met, whether that be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I have not met a girl close to my age who shows more love and a caring heart for others and service to God than this girl. I don’t say that lightly, as I am comparing her to some amazing examples of Godly females from my family, a family that has not experienced divorce. I look chiefly to my mom (who has been married to my dad for almost 30 years) and my grandmother (who is a pastor’s wife and former missionary to Chile, and has been married for 50 years). This girl is probably very similar to many of you reading this, in that she loves to relax, have fun, read a book, laugh with friends, and pursue success in many areas of life (which she does in her career as an accountant). She is known for being such a warm, caring person to so many people. That comes not just from me, as indeed I have already given away my bias since I love her, but because a large number of Christian and non-Christian guys pursue her.

I am not so much looking for guidance or advice for my situation, as I have only to continue to pray and seek God’s will daily in my own life. Because of God’s love for me, I have gained an enormous amount of confidence in who I am, and I hope that that is conveyed in this “book” I’m writing (it’s getting to be tremendously long – I’m sorry). My hope is that you don’t write me off as cocky, but listen to what I’m about to say, as I’m trying to wrap this up.

My main prayer and hope in writing this is that many of you Christian girls will hear me when I say that Christian guys, and guys in general, have in large part not measured up to the kind of men you are looking for and need. Frankly, most guys, including myself, have a large tendency to be what you might and probably have called jerks. I would certainly venture my opinion that, in general, there are far more girls with a Christ-centered mentality and a gentle spirit than there are guys with the same. Consequently, many women are hurt, broken-hearted, and want to give up, and they often do, settling for guys they know they don’t want, but are trying anything to get rid of the pain of loneliness. Believe me, I VERY MUCH understand the pain of loneliness. (I failed to mention that this past year, I went to 23 weddings, 8 of which I was in – all close friends. I no longer have a single friend, they’re all married. I know what loneliness feels like – I so badly want to be married!)

HOWEVER it has become quite frustrating to me to find so many good, Christian men – guys with character in all the right places, continue to be rejected or passed over by Christian women who claim to be looking for the very qualities that these men possess, those embodied by the above list. I have seen time after time, guys I have met through various church-related and other functions try so hard to rid their own feeling of loneliness and resentment due to years of pain, only to find a Christian girl, even go on a few dates with her, only to find that she suddenly won’t respond, or won’t offer any sort of reason why she’s not interested or unwilling to give effort back. All the while, I hear countless places and see countless sites such as this one that tell me how there are so many girls looking for that man of Godly character.

I sincerely hope that I don’t cause offense, rather that I help each of you, whether you are a Christian girl or a Christian guy, or even not a Christian, to examine your own life and make sure that you are truly walking with a God who loves us, the same God who, in the human form as Jesus freely loved even the weirdest and outcast of society. Or perhaps to put it in perspective, Jesus, along with His and our heavenly Father, loved(s) even those people who perhaps aren’t as outgoing, or some might say “confident”, as those around them. Yet they still might have a truly wonderful heart if only one were willing to get past that.

Wow this was long! But I hope that it provides some in-depth thought and discussion, and perhaps even some self-reflection.

In Christ.

Eric

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3 Comments

  1. Eric,
    This lady is playing hard to forget.
    You are burning calories mourning her loss. What ever is in your heart is displayed on your face. You can’t help it, it just comes out.
    Now is the time to get yourself some peace. If she was the right lady for you, God would have made it so. She could not stop herself.

    Put on a new face and get back into the race. It is possible for you to miss the real lady God has in mind for you because of the attraction distraction. Get it!

    Make some changes. A new hair cut. In fact never get the same hair cut twice in a row. Change your style of dress. Move it up a notch. Get a new black suit and great shirts. Look around for inspiration, the web, TV. It is all about the shirt.

    What I’m saying is repackage yourself. Get exposure at other churches in your surrounding area.

    When you land a date, never talk about your past. Only talk about today and where you would like to be in the future. Talk about what you see on the horizen. Let the past be mystery.
    Mysteries are intriguing, aren’t they.

    Above all be a man of character.

    Now do something for me Eric. Visit my website indiucky.com and give me some feedback. I need Christion men to give me honest reactions to the content and look and feel. The topic: What every boy needs to know about being a man – God approved.

  2. What Mike said, with one exception. Speaking as a girl, a guy who won’t talk about his past may cause questions to arise. Was he an ex-con? (I’m taking this to the extreme, but you see my point) Most parents of a girl will want to know about their future son-in-law’s past, if they get to the engagement stage.
    Hope this helps!

  3. Eric,

    I read your post and can’t help but ask, “why?” If I were you, I would have DEMANDED a reason for why she would not date you anymore? I mean seven years? That’s a lot of time and commitment. Why did things take so long? I’ve never been in a relationship, but if I was and I knew that I was with the man God wanted for me and that I loved, I could not wait seven years to marry him. I think that’s when people can easily fall into sexual temptation and when most non-Christians probably just decide to move in together. I feel bad for you, but I also am wondering WHY she gave up on the relationship? I’m not saying you have to tell me “why”, but give it some thought and reason out with yourself as to who let the relationship go and why did it happen this way?

    Sincere and Single,

    Holly

    P.S. You have a lot of great Godly qualities and muscles are over-rated! I’d prefer a man more on the “beefy” side to a gym rat!

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