Dating Advice: How to Break Up

breakup

A famous 50s break up song gives us this little bit of dating advice on how to break up: “Breaking up is hard to do.” No, ya think?

Whether you are a Christian single couple in a courtship or an online dating relationship, how you break up a relationship will be emotionally painful for both of you. If you are contemplating a break up of your dating relationship, considering the following dating advice may help you avoid a wrong decision, while making it as easy and painless as possible.

6 Dating Advice Tips on Break Ups and Ending a Relationship

Ask the Lord for wisdom ( see James 1:5)

As a single Christian, praying for guidance and wisdom in the matter of a break up should be the very first course of action before making any dating decisions. You will be less likely to make a mistake if you do so.

Discuss the break up possibility with family and friends

God often leads through our parents’ dating advice, even if they are not Christians. Proverbs teaches that there is wisdom in using a multiplicity of counselors, so also discuss the possibility of a break up with trusted Christian friends. They may very well give you some much needed advice that helps you make a decision, or puts the relationship in a completely different light. Be sure to use these valuable resources.

Be honest, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)

Never bash your dating partner personally, which will only hurt them even more and affect their self worth for quite some time. Do you really want to do that? Instead, tenderly explain why you feel God’s leading you to end the relationship. As you do this, remember the “Golden Rule”, and how it would feel if someone was breaking up with you.

While face to face conversation allows for far better closure, if that is not possible, a handwritten letter is the next best thing. A typed or emailed “Dear John” letter is seen as cold and mean.

Don’t delay the inevitable

Okay, you’ve prayed over the break up. You’ve discussed the issues with family, minister and friends. You know what you need to do. Delaying the obvious now will not only cause more pain for both of you, but will delay the healing process. By acting now, you give the Lord opportunity to begin leading both of you to the soulmates He has in mind.

Many delay break ups because they may be using the other person until “something better” comes along. Another reason for delayed break ups is that the other person is manipulating by putting the person who wants the break up on a “guilt trip” to remain in an unhealthy dating situation.

Make a clean break

Right, this is going to be hard, but you must be strong here because it is in the best interests of both to move forward. This means after the break up there should be no face to face meetings (if possible), no emails, telephone calls, letters, etc. While some couples may agree to remain friends, the data suggests that in over 90% of breakups, this fails miserably, and only lengthens the healing process.

Learn from the dating experience

Use this dating experience to learn from your mistakes, and build on the future. What has the Lord taught you about yourself? What has he taught you about what you need in a husband or a wife? If you’ve sexually sinned in this relationship, remember Jesus forgives and cleanses (1John 1:9). Finally, thank Him for the bright plans He has for you (Jer. 29:11).

Are you single with dating advice to share about break ups? Feel free to comment here.

Dating Advice: When to Dump a Dating Relationship

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Comments

20 Responses to “Dating Advice: How to Break Up”

Tantowi on May 7th, 2007 1:28 pm

How should you handle your first relationship after a big break-up?
-Donâ€™t compare
-Slowly but sure
-Do it differently
-Donâ€™t make trouble
-Learn from the past
feelingflirty on July 25th, 2007 12:33 am

Ending a relationship is never easy but the pain does go away. It goes away faster if you start dating again. You’ll find you feel better about yourself and your confidence is boosted right away.
m on June 5th, 2008 10:28 am

what if we attend the same church?
Peter on July 8th, 2008 9:28 pm

What if we’re in the same band and attend the same church?
Hannah on July 16th, 2008 3:16 pm

Like people have written before, what if you are at the same church, club, band, whatever? Asking for a clean break completely, forever is a little impractical.

I also have no idea where you got the 90% failure rate of friendships. I would say it’s more around 50% or less, if there is some time taken at the beginning to start the healing process separately.

I would suggest you try and make a clean break and completely cut contact (as much as you can) for 1-2 months. This means personal contact between the two of you. You might want to avoid going to church or home group during this time too, but this isn’t always necessary, especially if you civily agree between the two of you that it is not necessary - you will just be civil in those situations.

After the agreed time get together, in a public space and give yourselves some closure. There might be a few questions that you might want answered, and closure is good for peace of mind. Then see if you can work on friendship from that point. If you had been together for a long time and the break up wasn’t messy they CAN become a friend. It might be a bit tricky at first, but you will adjust to them being a friend if that is something you both want. In my personal experience ALL the instances where the for desire friendship has been mutual, friendship has been achieved (it takes time! So give yourselves space and time)
Donna on August 6th, 2008 3:22 pm

What is in world is all this about being civil and “trying” to be friends after a break? Where is the love of CHRIST? Where is the AGAPE that we all strive for? If it isn’t present in a relationship, then a break is warranted. How can two walk together unless they agree? Come now people, if you are walking on eggshells or are unable to be a sister or brother in Christ to one that you once shared many of your waking hours with, what kind of a relationship did you have to begin with? It certainly wasn’t a biblical courtship. The relationships many of you speak of seem to swing more towards the carnal and not the spiritual. In biblical courtship, you weigh each other with God’s word. Not to be confused with judgment or finding faults, but you weigh them according to God’s word and His will for walk and ministry in His Kingdom.
Tricky? Since when does something that God has put together have remnants of trickery? If you are a friend to someone, there are no tricks in solidifying what God has put together.

Public space? Closure? This is all so secular? Who gave you a spirit of fear? Who gave you the need to “seek” closure? The ENEMY. Our relationships with one another should never be closed, but open to pray, one unto another. I pray for the men I have parted with and even the father of my children. I do not fear them, despise them, or wish them ill will. I love them as Christ loves me.

Be elevated in your faith and your way of thinking. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, but it is His desire for us to line ourselves up with Him and seek counsel on what to say with wisdom and on each and every step we are to make in our lives.
Isaac k. lagat on November 23rd, 2008 3:35 pm

I believe if GOD has directed the breakup which would have otherwise led to marriage and it’s in accordance to his defined will, then the two can relate as friends so long as God has given them grace to do so. Breakage in courtship could be as a result of family issues, distance, culture difference and mutual agreement between the two. Thanks for this page.
David Butler on December 6th, 2008 12:54 am

Thanks for the insight, Isaac. Remember, too, when the Lord closes a door on a dating relationship, it is for our protection and provision for the future.
Sandra on December 17th, 2008 8:25 pm

I was in a relationship for 4years. We have just broken up, it was very hard and painful, I am now taken a year out from dating to go back to the drawing broad and learn more about me and find out what I really want. I am also using this time to hear more from God and let the Holy Sprit guide me.
Frankie on January 6th, 2009 12:51 am

Your advice (and the Lords guidance) was very helpful. Thank you. Your words helped me to honor God and end the relationship.
bubbles on March 20th, 2009 12:17 pm

I wonder whether anyone can advise me. I have been dating this christian guy for more than ten years and then I found out he cheated on me. He pleaded me to give our relationship another chance..my heart softend. I thought he sincerely wanted to make our relationship work, then after two year, he told me he wanted to concentrate on his career. In the meantime, in God’s grace, I found out that he still in contact with the girl he cheated on me two years ago….Can anyone tell me, how could I still take this person as friend???may be one day in God’s mercy and grace.
Mike on March 27th, 2009 6:03 pm

Ok, after 4 years of dating my girlfriend broke up with me. I have a daughter and I think this was a big issue for her. She said she didnt want to get married and other stuff blah blah blah. We attend the same church and Sunday school class. Also we live really close to each other(right beside each other). I keeping my distant and not calling her at all. Tough love is tough. I am in pain and tyring to get over it, but I wonder if shes in the same pain, but I guess it doesnt matter. I have commited it to God, but I still get emontional over this whole sistuation. I really thought she was the one. OH! we had a healty realtionship but we wanted something different, She did not want to get married with someone that had a kid. I wanted to get married. I know I know you will say “Praise the LORD, atleast I didnt marry her”, but that does not take the pain away. Any advice out there. IM not getting any younger and I know God will give me the desires of my heard. Also, I want someone that will love me and my daughter truely. I am sad, and I want it to go away. Its been 6 weeks and I have good days and bad. If you know what I mean. It has gotten so bad that I had to get a medicine for my depression. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS DEPRESSED. Anyway, time heals and my trust is in the LORD.
RHODRICK on April 1st, 2009 12:57 pm

This site has helped me ending my fun relationship which of no doudt had no future.Eve after that i”ve had sleepless night but at the moment its all gone.
Breaking up where necessary with help us see world at another angle and makes us do imformed discisions so far we dont do it just to make our mate suffer.We should always put ourself in another person”s shoes in ordrer to justify our cause,if we feel pain there is need to digest our reasons again
Dan on April 5th, 2009 12:13 pm

I have had been dating for over a year. She is an unbeliever. Recently I realised that her thoughts and mind set will conflict with GOD. She worships idols and claims to convert to christanity after she marries. Recently my parents (they are pasters) who do not know of this relationship told me that they have good christian girl and i should marry. After good thought, I decided that my GF will take me away from god but I need god and his favour therefore opted to go ahead with marriage with the christian girl. Before this I had been praying for God to show me his will, and my GF had come home and my dad advised me in front of her that I should not roam around with her as I should know that she is an unbeliever. This is when I really came to know her true feelings about things.

I am to be blamed as I have told her christian principles but never followed it my self. I have been her first boyfriend and we have been sexually active and she claims to have had a miscarriage. I am engaged and to be married in Soon.

What should I do. I don’t know what to do.
mary on April 19th, 2009 3:26 pm

Well, that is a complicated situation. If you knew she didn’t have the traits why did you continue with the relationships? Pherphs of selfish reasons, which we all have ! And how do you expect to marry if you still have this load on your back? What should of happen was ending one relationship before starting a new one. You weren’t being fair knowing that you had a desire for a christain girl yet you continued by leading this girl on with the fact that you yourself was not following what you said. How does someone take you seriously if you preach one thing and you don’t walk it? Maybe if you you preached to her and showed her the way, maybe it would be a different story. Behind a strong man stands a good woman. You can’t expect her to know the Lord if you weren’t showing her. Being engaged already with another woman makes it even harder and yes very unfair! make sure you end one relationship before starting another!
squashboy on May 19th, 2009 9:30 am

hi, i’ve been in a relationship for four months. My girlfriend is a believer and is growing stronger in her faith. I know she’ll turn out to be a terrific woman. But my biggest question is, can two people who love God not be for each other?

I have a feeling inside that perhaps that while i see her growing in her spiritual walk, that gives me joy, but we have so many other differences (such as background, personal preferences, tastes) etc.. i know those things should be trivial because they are “worldly”, but I don’t know if i should be in this relationship or not? I have the feeling of giving it a little longer but the longer i go, the more i feel that i’m not called to be with this woman.

thoughts?
kalana on May 28th, 2009 11:18 pm

Squashboy - I think I know were you’re coming from. My relationship recently ended. And from what you wrote, I believe that’s how he felt. We’ve been in a relationship for about the same amount of time you have, since December of ‘08. Before we became serious, my faith was almost gone. I haven’t been to church in years and had all these excuses for not attending. He slowly brought me back. I was born and raised Catholic and he opened me to Christian fellowship and it was amazing. From the beginning there were many differences that we had, from hobbies, our beliefs, me being a single parent and much more. But what I believe he held on to was the amount of fun and joy we had when we were together. We tried to build a relationship. The more time I spent with him, the more I fell inlove. But I always had this gut feeling that I may not have been the one for him. He recently ended our relationship and it was the worst ever… For a moment I had hatred that he continued this relationship knowing he felt this way… that he couldn’t be in a relationship (that was his reason). In the back of my mind I felt that I was a bad influence to his life, that I was making him sin and that he couldn’t be a true Christian with me. He’s never admitted to it, but I left the relationship feeling that way. I’m in pain and I guess my advice is, if you already feel like she’s not the one… It is better to end things now. Before “she” get’s serious about it. I pray for guidance and that things work out for the best….
junebug on June 15th, 2009 3:16 pm

My question is what do you do when u catch your boyfriend with another girl and the only thing he can say is “it’s over and don’t call me , just leave me alone”? I am hurt bad and don’t understand how he could just walk away without ever talking to me or just having enough decency to say “i’m sorry”. Long story short he claims to be a christian and we have been in a serious relationship atleast 5 mths. My thought about it is, maybe he is embarrassed and can’t face me b’cause he has been totally tearing me apart in this relationship just pointing out my faults and what i need to change in my life. He has at the same time encouraged me to strengthen my walk with the Lord. It has totally confused me. Don’t know now if he wuz ever really concerned for me and truly wanted to help me with getting closer to God( before we started dating i had just divorced the father of my daughter for the 2nd time and i had really gotten away from church and GOD). Obviousely, this has really tore down his witness to me, and u know i know christians r human and make mistakes too but i just don’t understand how he could not apologize at the least. I MEAN HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO CRUEL? I THOUGHT U WERE SUPPOSE TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FIRST, BEFORE YOU START DATING A NEW ONE! please, some of you guys out there help me know what to do. i have been trying to not call him or nothing but i feel like thats giving him the easy way out. i think he should atleast have to face me once in for all and explain what happened so that i may have some closure. I don’t understand how u cheat on someone that you are in a sreious relationship with and then run from them never even saying anything or atleast calling to check on them after they caught u out in public red- handed. That has got to be the coldest way to ever break up with someone and how could you sleep at night if your a christian person & you lied hurting someone u supposedly cared about without ever reaching out to them? What makes a person act sooo cowardly?HELP!
Didier on June 17th, 2009 7:09 pm

June bug Im sooooo sorry about this. Romans 5:3-5 maybe some encouragement to you. I wish that I could come over and wipe up all your tears for you, but the truth is I can’t. Only God can. I came on here to whine about some petty girl problem and I began to realize there are LOTS of people hurting and that I can’t live in agnoy, but that I have to move on. God is going to do a mighty work through you if you let him, and lean on him during all of this. See where he takes you
bubbles on June 18th, 2009 10:36 pm

Dear JuneBug, I have the similar questions like you. I have asked God for Justice caused by all these so called ‘christian’ cheaters. I feel like they are as if the wolves with sheepskins. I know that as a christian I should forgive so that it will help me to get off the hook of bitterness and hatred but I find it still very difficult to forgive.

I have read a lot of books such as Philip Yancey’s book ‘ where is God when i hurts’, Holding on to your faith even when God doesnt make sense by Dr James Dobson. I am still looking for answer. Can anyone offer any insight to all of us who had hurt so badly by all these liars and cheaters?? Please??