Fears That Keep Women And Men Single
Paradoxically, many single women and men who yearn to get married often allow fears and phobias to keep them from that very goal. Furthermore, instead of meeting the love of their lives, they end up battling feelings of loneliness and frustration.
So just what are some of the top fears single women and men face? A survey of several hundred singles revealed the following:
Top 3 Fears of Single Women and Men
Fear of Rejection
Some single women and men are scared of reaching out to singles of the opposite sex for fear of being rejected by them.
Most singles who have this kind of fear and trepidation are gentle and sweet people. Unfortunately, they often transfer their own negative feelings about themselves onto others, thinking that the person they are interested in dating feels the same way.
Everyone is a loser with this kind of fear. The other single guy or girl the fearful person is attracted to will never know it, and the single with the fear of dating will never experience what he or she is missing.
Fear of Being Vulnerable
Closely connected to the fear of rejection, some single Christians hold their feelings so close to themeselves that others can never get to truly know them. Did you ever meet someone like that? They will only let you get so close, and then they mysteriously back away. You may have had an interest in getting to know them better, but their fear of being vulnerable precludes any possibility of a meaningful relationship.
This kind of fear keeps a single person from connecting emotionally and spiritually with others. Since the ability to be vulnerable is a necessary ingredient in successful dating or marriage relationships, the person who is afraid in this area experiences many missed opportunities or shallow and short, unsatisfying relationships.
Many Christians singles who are fearful of opening up to others on a heart level come from abusive backgrounds, such as adult children of alcoholics.
Fear of Change
Many single women and men alike remain single because they fear moving out of their comfort zones by taking faith filled risks. Singles who fear change are creatures of habit, and feel safe with the “same old” ways of meeting people to date. For example, using online dating services, even if shown to be beneficial, would be a very scary experience if they never tried one before.
We all would agree that change can be a scary experience. However, single women and men who have a fear of change naturally limit themselves in the ways they can meet a mate or date.
What God Says About Fear
The Lord has an awful lot to say about fear. One of the main things that jumps out at you as you read the Scriptures is that God continually admonishes us not to fear.
For example, in a New Testament passage in Mark 5:36, Jesus encourages a father whose daughter was ill: “Don’t be fearful, just believe.” How interesting! On the one hand we have fearfulness; on the other we have belief and trust. If you really think about it, faith and fear cannot coexist. One will have to give way to the other.
Overall, if you are a single Christian woman or man struggling with fear issues that are holding you back from from meeting your soul mate, take cheer! You are definitely not alone in your fears, and there is help for you. We suggest you pray over the following suggestions:
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Talk about your fears with a reputable Christian counselor, singles group pastor or trusted friend. Oftentimes, speaking about our fears with someone else brings us back to reality and gives us hope for the future. The advice they offer could also be liberating.
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Let God’s word and Spirit soothe your heart and fears as you look up and meditate on what He says on the topic. Here are a few paraphrased verses to get you started:
Psalm 34:4: The Lord is able to deliver you from all your fears.
Isaiah 51:7: Do not fear the reproach of others or be terrified of their insults
Proverbs 29:25: Fear of men (whether they be single or not) is a snare.
Joshua 1:8: Don’t be afraid or discouraged because God is with you.
1John 4:18: God has a perfect love that casts out all fear.
Finally, if you are a single woman or man with further advice on the topic of fear and dating, please consider helping other singles by sharing your comments about fear.
Related Post:
Fear of Being Alone as a Single Christian
Excellent article and encouraging thoughts on the subject of fear with dating! These principles can also be applied in other areas of our Christian lives.
With your permission, I would like to post this article on our Singles church web site. It would be a great service to those struggling with such fear.
Thank you for the work well done!
Ina McLemore
Thank You, Ina, for the encouraging words. You may use this Christian singles article. Please keep in touch
In these days of members the ‘pick and choose’ Christian with their values not much different from the rest of the world, I would suggest ‘fears’ of deceiption by someone or ‘temptation.’ That first in-person meeting leaves a lot of impressions, if she looks and acts like some seen on “Blind Date” or “Elimindate.” I find an old piece of advice to still be important: ‘If you want to sell (soft drinks, fruit juice, coffee, etc;) don’t advertise hard liquors.’ Author Elizabeth Elliot in her book ‘Passion and Purity’ still has some excellent ideas even if they’re from her 50-years ago courting with her missionary husband Jim. Thanks for your helpful website.
Marc…Thanks for the insightful post..
Hey…it was really educational reading facts about fear, indeed i do have a feeling that most (if not all) couples before finally settling, face this challenge (from either of one them). I would really love to hear from married couples what practical steps they took to bypass this impediment.
That’s all well and good, I suppose. But, as Scripture says, it’s not good for man to be alone. But is it also good for a man to pay alimony through the nose, get kicked out of his house and not be allowed to see his kids? Is this the lesser of the evils. Somehow, I’m just not convinced that the risk is worth the reward.
Mickey:
As a person who works in Family Court, I understand your fear feelings. But remember, if God be for you, who can be against you? If He is the center of a relationship, there is a much greater chance of success. Hang in there guys…and girls.
David
Hi David.
Thanks for the quick response. Here’s another question: with all that’s going on in the world, does God really worry all that much about whether or not someone stays single for life?
Regards,
Mickey
To answer Mickey’s question: God is bothered if you are bothered. Psalm 138:8 tells us that He will perfect that which concerns us. Let us stop believing that God “has better things/more important things to think about” how can this be right when David had to ask “what is man that you are so concerned about him” in Psalm 8 (paraphrased)? God cares and wants to be concerned about every minute aspect of your life. He is keen to see your dreams and desires come to pass which is why His word says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” Proverbs 13:12 and that “He will give you the secret desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 Marriage is of God and whereas yes I do think that some are called to a life of singleness they are few and there are some who choose to stay single for the sake of the Gospel and again they are few but God will respect that decision and I personally don’t believe you can decide to do that if God didn’t give you the strength and grace to do it anyway. I think a lot of problems that we are seeing in society (I live in the UK) are because of people’s singleness. People do as they wish because they are not accountable to anyone, children suffer because there is no family unit. God ordained marriage as the bedrock of society and so yes I do think that people’s singleness is something He is concerned about, single people are suffering crippling loneliness and being tempted sore because they don’t have their marriage partners in the Church so yes I think God is not pleased with this. It is hard to serve God when your heart is weighed down by loneliness and I think more ministers of the Gospel need to drop this “singless = holiness” act and get with the programme. Why should I serve God single and alone? Why can’t I be with someone? GOD saw Adam was alone, Adam never mentioned it so surely it means something to God? Marriage is not a one size fits all cure but I have the right to be with someone I love and who loves me…I mean dang even Christ has a wife (Ephesians 5:23)! As an aside…I don’t believe God worries about things though because He is God and if He worries it means He doesn’t have an answer and if He doesn’t have an answer we are all screwed!
What does a male do who is hiv positive,who has come out of the homosexual lifestyle,and yet knows in his heart it is not good for man too be alone,and yet fears,the prospect of going through even beginning too share with a lady all that! where does one begin? And not have too go back were he came from!
Roger
It seems to me that the sexes are so polarized in this day and age, and that male bashing has replaced baseball as the national pastime. It seems now that anytime a man wants to seek female companionship:
1) He gets laughed at.
2) He gets cursed at.
3) He gets sued for sexual harassment.
4) He’s automatically branded as an oppressor and sexual predator.
5) All of the above.
The end result appears to be that, on average, women tend to think of men as worthless at best, and horrible as usual.
With all the man hating vitriol that’s out there, I’ve long since given up hope that there’s a special someone out there.
It might not be good for man to be alone, but it appears to be the lesser of two evils in light of the anti male atmosphere that’s out there.
I’m new here but I would definitely agree with Mickey that women blame men for all the bad things they experience. I suspect this enables them to play the victim and cry about how persecuted they are. I don’t worry at all about the drop in marriage and birth rates and highly doubt there’s such a thing as a christian date.