Overcoming Jealousy: Jealous Dating

Jealousy

Jealousy is one of the most destructive and painful emotions in a dating relationship. A jealous dater can think and do some wacky things he or she would not normally think of doing. That’s why overcoming jealousy when it crops up is so important.

According to a North American survey of marriage counselors, 33% of all couples in marriage counseling have jealousy problems as a root issue. Since jealousy is a universal emotion, I suspect European, Asian, African, South American and Asian couples have similar dealings with jealousy.

Among Christian single couples, jealousy affects both traditional dating and courtship love relationships.

Just what does it mean to be jealous? Webster’s Dictionary rightly defines jealousy as a “fearfulness or wariness of being replaced by a rival.” In a dating or romantic relationship, this means the jealous girlfriend or jealous guy suspects there is a rival for the affection or attention of their partner. The object of the dater’s jealousy could be an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, (the most frequent complaint) or some other thing such as the person’s children, job or even the family dog. (Don’t laugh about the dog, I once had a Family Court case related to this issue)

The problem with jealousy is that there are several kinds, which can get a little confusing. For example, there is God’s jealousy (Exodus 20:5), which is always holy, just, and desirous of others’ wellbeing. Then there is human jealousy, which often ends with disasterous results. Solomon writes of this kind in Song of Songs: “Jealousy is as cruel as the grave” (Sgs 8:6).

As sinners, we all need to learn how to cope with the human kind of jealousy, whether we experience it in our own hearts, or have others being jealous of us.

Most singles are able to control acting out their jealous impulses. However for others, overcoming jealousy is almost impossible without God’s help. This form of jealousy is pathological, and could lead to the crimes of passion we often read about in the newspapers, or see in movies.

As a single Christian seeking true love in a relationship, it’s very important for your own dating safety to know some “red flag” signs of a pathologically jealous person.

Red Flags of Jealousy Out of Control

The dating or courtship partner continually accuses the other of being unfaithful when there is no basis for him or her to think this way.
The jealous person checks phone bills, emails or the cell phone directory to check the partner’s records of communication. They may even forbid their romantic partner to speak with certain members of the opposite sex.
The jealous dating partner forbids (ie: orders) the other single dater to wear certain things in public.
The person with jealousy issues may go through the personal belongings of the other party looking for “evidence” of unfaithfulness
The person with out-of-control jealousy may follow, or have one of their friends follow the other person to make sure they are being faithful. In extreme cases they may even ‘bug” the home using electronic equipment.
The jealous party will keep tabs on their date by calling them constantly throughout the day. They may give an excuse (”I just missed you”) as to why they are calling so frequently, but in fact are distrustful of them.
The jealous person may want to be with the other person 24/7, and if the other single resists, there may be a physcial or emotional outburst.
The jealous dating partner forces the other to give account of all their free time away from them.
The person with pathological jealousy may threaten to do physical harm to themselves or to their dating partner.

If you are a single Christian in any kind dating relationship where one or more of the above jealousy red flags exist, we recommend:

Lovingly communicating to your friend that they need professional help.
Consider getting out of the relationship as soon as you can to ensure your own safety. While you may be tempted to stay in an effort to change them, or because the jealous partner may make an emotional promise of change, please don’t give in.

Overcoming Jealousy

Overcoming jealousy will be easier if you understand its origin. Ask yourself: “Do my feelings have a basis in fact (the behavior of the dating partner), or are they coming from my own insecurity?”

If there is actually something the other party is doing that is inciting you to be jealous, have a heart to heart discussion with them. Often, an honest exchange of feelings will solve the problem.

Understand that your jealous behavior may actually drive away your date, the very thing you feared might happen

Admit you have a problem and seek guidance from trusted freinds who know your situation, and/or an understanding Christian counselor or minister.

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Comments

20 Responses to “Overcoming Jealousy: Jealous Dating”

martin on January 13th, 2007 10:13 pm

I have been in a relationship for six years and have serious jealousy issues. I have most of the above signs and would like help!!
thanks for the info very helpfull..
David Butler on January 27th, 2007 3:43 pm

Dear Brother:

Thanks for your open sharing. Admitting a fault is the first step toward conquering it. That takes a lot of courage and humility.
Sounds like Christian counselling may be helpful in your situation. Email us through our contact info, and we will provide resources which could help you with your jealousy dating issues.

God Bless,

-David_
DrKen James on January 30th, 2007 3:01 pm

Your comments have validity for a couple, where, one of the parties are continually jealous without substantiation, and the other partner is blameless. However, when one partner CAUSES jealousy in another intententionally, or even unintentionally, and this is openly addressed and the behaviour is still continued, a jealous reaction normal. In fact, many crimes of passion, whether subtle or serious, are due to partners purposely continuing to make their partners feel “less of a person.” This is done quite often because they, themselves are insecure in themselves and want to keep their partner wanting them. If effect, they actually cause a destructive relationship. Perhaps you should address the causing of jealousy as well, since there are always two sides of the story.
Dr K James
David Butler on January 31st, 2007 12:38 am

Dr Ken:

God Bless, annd thanks for your insight. You make an awful good point about dysfunctional dating relationship where one party causes jealousy in the other.
Andrew on February 19th, 2007 9:36 am

I have all of the symptoms of jealousy described above. Could you help with reading material on the net? Much appreciated.
Mark on March 8th, 2007 9:18 am

Hmm. These are realy helpful, and having dealt with this in my own relationship, I know just how big of an issue this can be. Of course, the guilty party was… me! Many of the items on this list reflect that old saying that “if you really love something, you’ll let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Learning to let my girlfriend go was a hard struggle for me, and still can be sometimes. A couple things I would like to say though: in response to the “forbidding to speak to other people”, there is a line, I think, between asking your date/spouse/whatever to avoid extended contact with another person and asking them not to speak to them. A number of times, I have asked my girlfriend to try and avoid certain people: NOT because I am afraid of her integrity, or of being replaced, but because those guys have shown their desire to pursue my girlfriend, and it is their integrity I do not trust. It’s the idea of “red-flagging” certain people. Also, wanting to be with the other person as much as you can does not mean you are jealous. It is important, however, that one is willing to be apart from the other person without a negative reaction. In a way, I think that you can have a certain “godly jealousy” in the sense of asking for the other person to honor you in their actions. It is being selfishly jealous that’s wrong, and can lead to such strife as we’ve seen in relationships across the world.
Andrea on July 5th, 2007 6:34 pm

I am a very jealous person!!! If I dont need professional help then hanibal lector is sane! Ha! I torture my boyfriend everyday with jelousy. I cant help it at all though because one time I even tested him. I asked him what he thought about a 3-some an I acted like I was serious about it, an he was crazy about it. So crazy that when he asked me to go get cigarettes with him he said that we could probably find some girls on the way and bring them back to the apartment! I was furious at him, but I held it in until later that night. He just turned it around and said that he was really testing me….( whatever!!!… sure ). That is why Im even more jealous now. Any advice at all?
Nathalie on September 7th, 2007 5:07 pm

hi! i have an extremely jealous feelings regarding my relationship with my bf and it was really difficult for me. I do sometimes hurt myself but not hard just like in my face..not serious but everytime i was really crying and upset..any help you could advice.. I need an advice..It was almost everyday..But messages here symbolizes me..but helpful too.
Ziori on January 13th, 2008 11:05 pm

Ive been going out with my Girlfriend for about 4 months and thiers this other guy that likes but she says she oly likes him as a friend but then she hangs out with without me and i get mad im a really jealous person what should i do ??
Mark on February 6th, 2008 2:36 pm

I have been going out with a terrific guy since July 07. I just want to overcome any jealousy issues that I may have. I love this guy and would not dare mess up the good that god has given to me.
Dog on May 15th, 2008 10:01 am

Tenho muito ciúmes, preciso de ajudo, não tenho controle nas minhas atitudes e acabo magoando quem amo, como posso resolver isso, existe tratamento para o ciume? não quero ser assim, mas quando percebe, já fiz e falei o que não devia, eu sufoco a pessoa, estou perdondo ela aos poucos por minhas atitudes, e não sei como fazer pra reverter isso, me ajude, por favor…
Carlos on June 29th, 2008 7:18 am

well i am a person who gets jealous sometimes for no reason and well sometimes i ask myself why i get jealous. then i realize i got jealous for no reason. i need some on how to control this jealous dating streak. please help i need guidance
mozhgan on August 11th, 2008 2:01 pm

please send me some recommend for overcoming jealousy
spaghetti on August 13th, 2008 12:08 pm

im in a relationship now and the thing is we are far from each other, im in the philippines and he is in canada, but he visits me here, the thing is im a jealous girl,,, i trust him but im afraid that maybe he is wuth someone having an affair or having a sex with others,, i really love theu guy and i know and i feel that he love me too, we have good communication tru mail and phone but im really disturbed whenwhen im thinking bad about him,,, pls what can i do with this thing,,,, coz you know if i didnt recieve mail from him from the moment i send him message im thingking of something,, but then he knows that im disturbed,,, its hard you know,, pls do reply on this thing,, hope to hear from you, thanks,
Nathan on October 5th, 2008 3:09 pm

I have problems with jealousy and when I realized it and began to work on it my partner still thinks she is hurting my feelings when I have stopped being jealous. Therefore it still turns into a bad situation. I dont get it. I really love her and she loves me I just want her to trust when I tell her I TRUST her.
vickie on October 8th, 2008 1:01 am

I read all the signs and I never realized I was so bad please help as I love my boyfriend and I really dont want to loose him.
nicole on December 19th, 2008 12:13 am

In regard to jealous dating, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and also live together. I know I’m a very jealous person towards him. I’m always thinking he is cheating on me or lying to me on a daily basis. He is a very confident and secure person and has a lot of friends the opposite sex. But the thing is all of these other friends of his want to be more then friends. He’s only telling me to trust him but its very hard for me to do. How can I handle myself by not getting so jealous or not assuming he is always lying to me or cheating on me??
jay on February 25th, 2009 3:39 am

hi, i have a teenager(16) inamture for his age but dealing with a girlfriend and his ‘jealousy’ around her. i was searching and found this article. very nice. i will have him read it. and…a suggestion may be a way to ’send this page or article’ to an email address or ‘friend’ as alot of things i’ve seen have. thanks!
Justin on September 30th, 2009 3:41 pm

All of those things above helps, but what should I do when I actually at that stage of getting jealous, and when my emotion is taking control of me? I know that I should just calm down and pray about it, but the thing is that the jealousy is not going away. I wanted to get rid of it.
Kayla on November 6th, 2009 6:34 pm

There is a difference between jealousy, distrust, and respect issues. For those of you that feel like you have jealousy “issues” because you get upset that your partner is keeping in contact with members of the opposite sex, that may or may not be true. When you’re in a relationship, as most of us already know, our relationships with friends of the opposite sex SHOULD change. An appropriate relationship with someone who’s been a friend for a long time, never any intentions past or present with them otherwise. Just friends. Someone whom you invite to join you and your partner for lunch, someone you can double date with, someone you would feel comfortable having be a part of your wedding some day lol. But when you’re in a relationship, meeting for lunch one on one with a friend of the opposite sex, keeping in contact with ex’s, a friend whom you had any kind of romantic interest in… Those relationships are inappropriate to bring into a dating relationship with someone else. It becomes your responsibility to show your partner RESPECT by cutting ties like that and/or limiting that contact to a brief “hi, how are you?” convo when you run into them in public. Despite reasoning and excuses for why you don’t want to cut them out of your lifestyle. Especially when your partner addresses that aspect with you! It’s not “Oh, he/she’s just being Jealous!”, When a person continues contact with people who have or have had interest in them, then that person is giving their partner Every Right to feel distrustful of them.

Granted, there is inappropriate jealousy. But I’ve read a couple of the comments above. And some of those, the partner who refuses to address the concerns of their partner, it seems like they’ve made their decision. And unfortunately for them, they didn’t choose you. They probably don’t deserve you then. If they don’t know how to show you respect in your relationship, then they don’t deserve to be with you. And believe me, you CAN do better. There are thousands and I’m sure, millions of people all over the globe that know how to treat their partner with that, much-deserved respect. Go find one! Don’t let anyone tell you that there’s something wrong with you and make you feel like you have to settle or just be “ok” with how things are going. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.