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Rejection Hotline: Dating Advice for the Dumped

rejection hotlineA Rejection hotline often offers this bit of dating advice that we all already know: Rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with as a single person.

Getting rejected in connection with dating is absolutely the worst kind of rejection because it touches us on such a personal level. It doesn’t matter whether the rejection occurs while asking someone out on an initial date, or in the middle of a long term relationship. Rejection hurts. Period.

In fact, the “after effects” of being rejected, dumped or dissed (take your pick) by the opposite sex can linger around for years. I can still recall that lost, empty feeling I had as a teenager after my first girlfriend pushed the rejection button on our dating relationship of one week. I didn’t even get a rejection letter. Sigh.

Rejection Hotline Tips on Handling the Pain of Being Rejected

If you are a single Christian who has suffered rejection in your dating life, and has experienced accompanying depression and loneliness, be encouraged by considering the following:

Know That God Is Working It All For Your Good

You know, I hate it when people quote Bibles verses to me when I am going through a painful moment. Just shut up and be with me if you wish, but don’t get preachy until I have time to process.

Anyway, I suppose most of you already know this wonderful promise from Romans 8:28. If we love God, He really will work everything (even rejection) for our good, even if it doesn’t feel possible at the time.

By way of example, I can share stories of singles who were heartbroken because their girlfriends or boyfriends broke up with them. However, months later they were thanking God for having been rejected because had that not happened, they never would have met their present soulmates. It’s really amazing how your Lord works, so just hang in there, okay?

Understand That Everyone Experiences Rejection.

Rejection is not something just poor little you has to suffer. The rejection bug infects all of us from time to time. That’s just the way it is. If you have read the news recently, you’ll see that even outwardly beautiful and famous people like Christine Brinkley and Jennifer Aniston suffer rejection. Even our dear Saviour, Jesus, suffered rejection by others (Isaiah 53:3).

Learn From The Experience

None of us like to experience rejection. But when it does come, we should take the opportunity to take stock of what has just occured. You may never know all the whys, but let the following rejection hotline questions guide your own soul searching process:

  • Will I allow rejection to make me a bitter person or will I look for the positives in my experience to build on in the future?

  • Do I need to make any changes in my life physically, emotionally or spiritually?

  • Can I forgive the person who rejected me?

Know Where Your Self Worth Comes From

It doesn’t matter what others think of you. What a trap to base your self-esteem on that! It doesn’t even matter what you think of yourself. The real issue is that our true worth comes from what God thinks about you. The true fact is He loved you enough to die for you, and considers you very valuable (Luke 12:7).

Are you a single person who has something to share about rejection?

Christian Dating Service

36 Comments

  1. Kristi

    Being rejected doesn’t bother me. I am a christian. I have God. What else do I need? Nothing and nobody. I have God. If God doesn’t think it is right for me, he will lead me in the right direction. That is how you all should feel if anyone reading this has gone through that. Hope it helps. I am on Yahoo IM if you need to talk… ANYBODY. kristiusaf07@yahoo.com

    Also on Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/kristiscoville

  2. David Butler (Author)

    Kristi:

    What a wonderful attitude on rejection, and you are absolutely right! Kristi, we are praying for you..By the way, feel free to write an article on rejection so others can be encouraged…

    David

  3. Manders

    It’s too bad NOT everyone is at the same point you are at. I agree you don’t need anyone else but it doesn’t hurt to have friends.

  4. Bruce

    Being rejected is very painful and depressing for me.I am an older Christian divorced man, and have been getting rejected for the last 11 years. The pain never leaves, and as I see friends get their lives restored by finding mates, the pain deepens. It feels like God has shut the door on my life. I have asked Him to fill the deep “void” in my life, but nothing happens. I’ve been to two Christian counselors,and they say I just need to date, and find someone,but all I get is rejection. I don’t know what else to do at this point. Someone please help…..

  5. dave

    Rejection does come from all sources, teenage kids are good teachers. Whether an x,or a date, I go back to my identity in Christ. Romans 6 !1-14, It is more important to understand what He thinks about us and who we are rather than what others think. I have found a great web site on the exchanged life, We are new creations. exchangedlife.org. Two great books which have helped me. ” The Marvelous Exchange” by Flatten, and the “Rest of the Gospel” by Stone.
    Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comments.

  6. Velichka

    Bruce, am an older christian mother divorced with 3 kids and after 7 years of rejection I met a wonderful guy at church and we had a godly relatonship for 1 year. its over now and am hurting that’s how I found this site. trying to heal. But don’t give up hpe. God knows you and he knows that he hasn’t found the girl worthy of you yet. He will find her and you will be happy again. Even in my tears I know he will. Take heart and don’t give up. vomukuba@gmail

  7. beverly

    OMG MY BF JUST GOT REJECTED AND DUMPED ME! IM SO SAD I NEED HELP…

  8. Henry

    I have read what you said, Bruce. I am very sad to hear about being you being rejected and dumped in your dating relationship.

    Maybe God is teaching you something? Maybe He wants you to recommit to him wholeheartedly and Love him with all your heart, soul and strength?
    He wants you to Love him first, because he has been waiting eagerly to give you a Godly partner that he has designed for you?
    Maybe you need to recommit?
    Please dont quote me here.. I’m guessing this might be the case..

    you can do it, Bruce

  9. Bruce

    Yes, I have suffered rejection, but thank you all for your encouragement and admonitions. I have now wholeheartedly (that’s the key) recommitted my total life to Christ. I have been overwhelmed with joy and peace,…something I have not had for years. I now trust God for a mate, and even if I get rejected and don’t get one, I still have peace in Christ. I thought I could never arrive at this point! A miracle!! God Bless you Dave,Velichka, and Henry. I have learned that when painful circumstances are out of my control like in rejection….He is in control, and I can give ALL the baggage to Him!!

  10. Kimberly

    I need a Rejection Hotline-My husband began showing his true self being verbally and emotionally abusive a month into our marriage. After just 3 years he’s rejected me and has filed for divorce. I have suffered rejection. I’m heartbroken at his choices but respect God’s given us all a free-will choice. The good news is Jesus’ love and truth offers us restoration and healing. Many turn away when we allow Jesus’ light to shine brightly from within our hearts. They reject us and run away as the light of Christ holds us accountable for our sins. We are all sinners saved by grace but we can only be accountable for and change ourselves. I’ve come to understand God needs to be in total control of every aspect of my life for me to be fruitful and healed. My value is not found in being loved by others but in loving others as Jesus did. In forgiving and letting go of dreams, promises and vows which were broken not with bitterness but forgiveness. I hold fast to God’s awesome promise He will never leave me or forsake me. I pray you find God’s perfect peace in holding onto the fact He created you, adores you and wants the best for your life. God’s timing is not ours but is always perfect. Although you faced rejection, remember you are a priceless treasure and are deeply loved!

  11. H. Mickey Gill

    In regard to rejection hotline: Who’s kidding who here?!? Women can’t stand men, and are quick to blame every man for everything gone wrong in women’s lives.

    The sexes are so polarized in this day and age, and male bashing has replaced baseball as the national pastime. It seems now that anytime a man wants to seek female companionship, here’s what happens:

    1) He gets laughed at.
    2) He gets cursed at.
    3) He gets sued for sexual harassment.
    4) He’s automatically branded as an oppressor and sexual predator.
    5) All of the above.

    The end result appears to be that, on average, women tend to think of men as worthless at best, and horrible as usual. With all the man hating vitriol that’s out there, is it any wonder that a lot of guys have completely given up on love and romance?

    I admit this up front: I DO NOT BELIEVE that there is a soulmate out there and I’ve long since lost all hope that men and women are supposed to be on the same team.

  12. Jackie

    Rejection Hotline: Will someone please help me? I just had a break up with my boyfriend. We are both Christians and go to the same church. He broke up with me without giving me a reason. We were together for over 2 years and now he’s gone. I really don’t know what to do. Should I have hope? should I talk to him?Ii really don’t know.

  13. David

    I just ended like 5 hours ago a Christian dating relationship of 4 1/2 years…. we were both in high school when we met and now into college are apart. she goes to school across the country and tells me before she goes (2 1/2 years ago) she cant do this without me… I was going to let her go and enjoy her college experience cause I didn’t wanna grow apart and end up heartbroken and now she tells me she wants to experience the world and not worry about me in across the united states in. she tells me its not me but her. that she doesn’t know… she said she wants to to be apart and pray about it… so i have but i still believe this is the girl for me… by the way she has been my only relationship and I’ve been her only relationship as well. so is it that we just grew apart or now god wants us to grow individually? i don’t know what to do… go after the girl or just let it be… move on.

  14. Fab

    Hello Jackie and David,
    I’m sorry for your pain and I can relate. A month ago my bf told me he was going back to his ex (who wasn’t even his last gf) you can imagine how heartbroken I was. I crawled my way back to God and that is where I’ve always found strength before we broke up and now more than ever.
    My advice to you both is that, go back to the Word, find strength and encouragement in the Word. Be sincerely honest with God, He already knows your pain but you have to open your mouth and tell Him exactly how you are feeling. Submit everything you are feeling to Him. If you were meant to be with your ex-es you’ll be. It’s hard but you’ll be fine. That’s hard to believe now but trust God. I also want my ex back because I love him and I know he loves me too but he’s confused….but with God all things are possible.
    For now, work on yourself and put God first, always!

  15. Jeff

    My christian girlfriend just broke up with me and I feel very alone. I know God is with me but sometimes I wonder. I know many Christians mean well when they say just get back with God, read the bible and get back into fellowship but sometimes I just feel like letting go. I know he has someone better out there for me right? Where? Do I look or just wait for it to happen? He’s got miss perfect out there for me, will he drop her on my doorstep so we can just skip the whole process of getting to know someone just to end up breaking up later? Do I have to lose that one too to learn some bigger lesson in life that I just don’t care about anymore? It was God’s will in the beginning but at the end it just wasn’t?! So many Christians say after the fact well they didn’t think that it was meant to be. So easy to say after the breakup. Let me just say if your a single man do yourself a favor, even if the girl is Christian but has a divorce and kids, don’t date her. AVOID her. You won’t be able to trust a word that comes out of her mouth because all she’s thinking of is getting married, someone to take care of her and the kids and it doesn’t matter who it is as long as he has money. I know ladies this is terrible generalization but for the most part it’s true and you know it. This type of woman is just not worth your time. This is the best advice I can give you single men-tell her from the beginning your not going to spend any money on her until a marriage if there is one. See if she sticks around after that bombshell. If she hasn’t left you I suggest before you pop the question, make sure to go with her for at least a year or two before asking her to marry, and if she’s still there get a prenup! I bet at that point she runs from you. AVOID SINGLE MOTHERS

  16. H. Mickey Gill

    I’m with you, Jeff. I would not date a single mother either. I’m single, have no alimony to worry about, no child support to worry about, and I do not want the burden (however blessed) of raising kids. No way, no how, no chance, no kidding. So, if I do not want any children of my own, I’m not about to get into ANY situation that would involve raising SOMEBODY ELSE’S KIDS!!!. There are too many horror stories along those lines.

  17. M. Lawrence

    I think the main thing in getting rejected is NOT to generalize everyone else. Don’t get lost in bitterness and resentment. As said in Hebrews, “14Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

    Don’t let a painful rejection cause you to take offense and steep yourself in bitterness and resentment. That will just separate you from God and prevent you from being in the place you need to be to have a healthy relationship. Don’t decide that all men are dogs. Don’t declare that all single women are gold-diggers, etc.. None of that attitude is of God – and you’re essentially sinning by wallowing in the bitterness. For those of you struggling with this issue, pick up a book entitled ‘The Bait of Satan’ – which talks about how becoming offended can lead you down the road to bitterness and resentment and how that can essentially deny you Christ’s forgiveness – because if you don’t forgive, then you won’t be forgiven.

    Rejection hurts. It’s humiliating (I’m going through it right now) and painful. But in the end, you’ll probably be thanking God that it happened to save you from a situation that apparently wasn’t going to work.

    Additionally – God’s Will never changes. But people have free will. I think that in cases where someone’s free will gets in the way of His will for you, God will make a way or He will give you something better. But often, we think there is nothing better – even though what we have is the equivalent of pig slop, lol. This is where trusting God to know best comes in.

  18. Katie

    I was married 29 yrs and had a mutaul divorce. Remarried a preacher 10 yrs later and he was verbally abusive and divorced after 9 months. Went through breast cancer and divorce at the same time. During my radiation treatments I met a guy from a friend and married hm 4 months later. He was a Godly man at first but changed 7 months ago. I was so happy and I thought he was. He was good to me and my family but was 10 yrs older and health not great either. He just told me he was overwhelemed by being married and did not like married life. He was single 15 yrs before me. He is retired military and does not like to be questioned about anything. If I had a difference of opinion he took it personally. I tried so hard, but he quit wanting to go to church and the money got tight and we could not travel as much, and he liked to have lots of money to blow, and I was more conservative, but these things are workable. I am receiing counseling and he moved back to Fla. Just packed up and left. He attempted to do that several times but I begged him to stay and let’s work ot with counseling. He has already changed his mailing address and gotten his things, al in the course of one week. My family and his is devastated. We all thought we were perfect for each other. I am sad and embarrassed about 3 marriages. Any advice. He says he is in no hurry to get the big D and he is supposed to start counseling next week. But I am so confused and now I am not sure if I can trust him again. What if he came back and left again. What kind of life is that?

  19. Sheri

    This is my first time on the website. I would like to comment on the two posts from February about not dating single mothers. I would encourage those two…and anyone else…to not judge people before you know them. I am a divorced single mother. I was married to an abusive man. It was very hard to get out and two years later I still have a lot of healing to do. While I would like a relationship, I’m not looking for someone to raise my child. That is my responsibility. All I care is that they treat my child with respect. I also am not looking for someone to take care of me. I support myself financially and have my own home. I don’t need a man to take care of me. I just want someone to share my life with. Anyone can think whatever they want about me for getting divorced but until you have walked in my shoes, don’t be so quick to judge me. I’ve been a Christian for a very long time and I prayed long and hard before I left and I know God still loves me!

  20. Sandy on December 19, 2009

    I have been talking to a man for 10 years now. He was formally my Pastor. I was married at the time and was going through some rough times. So I wound separating from my then husband. This Pastor appeared to be genuine in helping our marriage but him and I wound up having a love affair since 1999. He was married and was going through it with his own wife. To make a long story short, we slept together. He would come over and bring me things. Then after a while, I did not want to continue the affair. I was so ashamed and embarassed. I felt like a little of nothing and I felt sort of obligated because this pastor helped me out financially and in other areas. In 2002 he got a divorce from his wife and in 2004 I got a divorce from my husband. It has been a big heartache. I have been plaqued with guilt and condemnation. I sought forgiveness from God.

    Then in 2005, my former pastor moved out of town and we continued to talk. And when he came up to preach for a church, we still slept together up until 2008. Then I just found out that he was getting married last month. I just happened to call him and he ask me if I had received something in the mail. I said no. I prompt him to tell me what it was. It was a wedding invitation where he was getting married this month. He never let on since we have been talking the he was serious about someone else. We had been talking almost every day and he never let on.

    I was heart broken. I felt betrayed, embrassed and everything else. I truly learned my lesson but it still doen’t stop the heartache.

  21. Kevin

    I married very young and the marriage was very brief. I was also bitter with God because I had been a Christian all my life, but felt betrayed when my marriage failed. I have always been a loving and affectionate man who would go out of my way to be there for my woman, but all of the women I been involved with never seemed to appreciate or be willing to return that love.

    In 17 years since my divorce I have dated 5 women, all very briefly and mostly because I never really loved or seemed to be able to develope any love with them. Of course, after my divorce, I was following my own will and not God’s, so I understand now that I had left myself open for failure.

    There had been only one girl I had ever felt love with and that was a girl I had dated in high school. She was amazing, but I was young and stupid and had taken her for granted and we had broken up. We didn’t hate each other, just went separate ways. She married young also and had what seemed to be a good marriage and 2 children. I had seen her at high school reunions and she always seemed to be doing great. I had never forgotten how loving she was and was always happy for her that things had turned out well.

    Recently, I received an email from her, after 10 years of not being in contact or even knowing where she was. She had heard about a death in my family and had gotten my email from a friend. She was, as usual, very sweet and kind, and we began talking again. She had divorced a few years earlier, and had been dating a guy from her church for about 3 years. I was relived that she wasn’t alone and was doing well.
    I hadn’t been going to church anywhere, but knew I needed to give my heart back to God. She invited me to visit her church. The church was wonderful and I could feel my hardened heart softening. When I found her in the crowd after the service, we talked for about an hour – it was as if no time had passed between us. I began attending the church regularly. It was amazing to have my focus back on God, and I began to hear His message more clearly.
    She and I began to talk more regularly, and we immediately began to connect with each other. She told me she felt a calling to minister and that she was seeking God’s will for her. I thought this was wonderful, and was supportive of this. Our personality types are very similar – fun-loving, laughing, sociable. Her boyfriend, was the opposite – older and less social, but a good Christian. She began to confide in me that he was very unaffectionate, and that they rarely laughed together. He had grown children and didn’t have much interest in her younger children. Any talk of marriage just kept getting put off. She is very tolerant and would rather keep peace than make waves.

    We had becomre very attracted to each other, but we knew having an affair was off limits. We both felt very strongly that God may have arranged for us to come back into contact with each other to be together.
    She considered ending her relationship with her boyfriend, but knew this meant upsetting both of their families. Her boyfriend told her that she would be disobeying God – it seems that sometime before she and I began talking, that God had told them they were to be together and minister together.

    It sounded to me as if her boyfriend was trying to make her feel guilty about breaking up with him, but I wasn’t about to second-guess God. I told her that I would be her friend no matter what she decided, and that I didn’t want her to be disobedient to God either. She has chosen to be with her boyfriend, who now is suddenly interested in marriage and is being more attentive to her. I truly hope it lasts, but I feel in my heart it won’t. She asked me to trust her, but I’m very concerned that he is being manipulative of her. I have no choice but to trust God and know that He is in control, but I naturally hurt from the rejection, and even felt slighted by God.

  22. Jared

    This has been a tough topic for me in the past year or so. I had an amazing experience of coming back to the Lord, so amazing in fact I’d say it was then that I got born again and actually realized His love for me. I was on cloud 9…I worshiped God all the time and every time I saw a cross it brought tears to my eyes. I got connected in church and began ministering there as well as street witnessing and going into bars to save the lost with His Word. I was on fire… and then at work I met this girl that needed help. I pointed her to Jesus and helped her get away from partying and temptation. The friendship grew, she committed to the Lord, and it grew into a relationship. I had asked God to bring me a woman and I thought she was it. After all, I had been serving Him wholeheartedly and here was this beautiful girl, and I love helping people! She was still struggling and there was a lot of crap in the way of the relationship yet.

    I felt maybe God had better but I was holding on with good intentions. She broke it off over just a week (although we had been seeing each other unofficially for a month or so), and said she needed time to sort things out. She said we’d get back together in a few weeks or a couple months or whatever, and she still wanted to be with me, but wanted to take some time away. I said ok. It was awkward because I didn’t know where I stood. Sometimes she’d want to hug me and cuddle, and other times I wouldn’t get a return phone call. I was really nervous and finally one day I wanted to talk to her and say I’m sorry but I can’t go on like this.

    I went to visit her at work (she had not returned my phone call that day) and she gave me a look like “omg what is he doing here”. She put on a face and said she was happy to see me but I knew something deeper was happening. She said she’d see me after work but that she’d be working late. I decided to go take a walk around the outside of the mall just to get some fresh air. It was oh, about a half an hour later, and I see her car pulling out of the parking lot. That’s weird, I thought…and she didn’t call me or anything, so after awhile I called her and no response. Her friend called me and told me to stay away from her because I creeped her out and she didn’t want me around anymore. Then they filed a complaint with the police.

    You want to talk about rejection? I invested months of my time and my entire heart into this person and she pulls the plug just like that.

    Months later I decided to email her to tell her I forgave her. She responded and said she was sorry and that she wanted to come back to church with me. I obliged. She brought her new b/f and I finally said ok, this is not even cool. I asked her to pray about finding another church because I didn’t think I was ready for this. She got offended and told me basically in so many words that I wasn’t a real Christian and that I hurt people to make myself feel better. I told her I didn’t want to hear from her again.

    Months later I felt guilty about it and said I’m sorry I told you I didn’t want you around, I hope you found a good church. And she threw it back in my face telling me that she just couldn’t understand why I’m so complicated, etc.

    ARGH!!!

    And now up to a year later, I can’t so much as find a date, and I feel horrible about myself, like I’m unattractive or that all girls think I’m weird and creepy. I feel like whenever I talk to them they’re secretly thinking “I wish this guy would get away from me”. It hurts because this was the last memory I had of a relationship and I feel like I failed miserably even though I tried so hard.

    Man. My identity in Christ is suffering on a daily basis.

    But do you all have encouragement or thoughts? If anything I hope my pain encouraged someone else that they’re not the only ones who’ve experienced full-force rejection.

  23. Maria

    Wow! The stories I have read on this site regarding rejection are very sad:-( These stories have also helped in understanding my personal struggle. My rejection comes in the form of loneliness. I have not had a “formal” male-female intimate relationship at this point in my life. This was largely due to my introvert personality, educational goals, and God’s timing.

    Coming from a large family where it was easy to get lost in the shuffle, I found myself struggling for acceptance and dealing with isolation. This, today, has impacted my perception of why it is difficult for me to have a Godly relationship. I always thought that it must be something negatively different about me because I felt “overlooked” as a child at times. The majority of my siblings are extroverts (very outgoing) but I prefer quiet time and personal space. Living in a home where everyone is “going and going” I felt left out or not considered. Therefore, one of my biggest qualities that I prefer in a Godly man is one that “will take the time to get to know me-pull it out of me”!!

    I know God’s timing is essential; in fact, it is pivotal when considering the “Will Of God” for one’s life but I do not quite know what God’s timing consists of as a believer in the area of male-female relationships. One story mentioned above discussed (in so many words) do I look or wait for someone to show up unexpectedly. I often think about it like getting a job. A believer prays for a job but should get out there and fill out job applications. Thus, I pray for a Godly man-should I go out and be in places where Christian men commune? Then one has to consider the “sovereignty of God”- He just does what He does ALONE! Can you hear my dilemma?

    This is a weird place to be in my life- text books, term papers, exams, and studying were SO MUCH EASIER. I know people are not neatly packed books and God has a MASTER plan for my life. It’s hard daily trying to keep that in mind when my desire for marriage and family occupies a lot of my thoughts.

    I hope this post blesses someone like the other posts did for me…

  24. tracy teresi

    My name is tracy. I was recently dumped by my best friend/girlfriend, my heart is brocken and I feel like I just don’t want to live anymore, she was the best thing I had. My life is very bad-sad all the time now, every time I see her it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. She was the only really-close friend I had and now I’m so lonely I just want to die, I literally have nothing to live for, my life feels empty. I’m so lonely, can anyone out there please help me? Please call me I desperately need to talk to someone-anyone (602)955-5556 please, I need help.

  25. Nik

    Hi; has anyone ever been in the situation of their lifetimes where you simply cannot be yourself when you meet someone? People meet on these false-pretenses and highly-scalable hopes and dreams that both seem to share in the first moments, but the minute I would open up the heart and soul and simply-put, complement the mutual adventure with a deeper outlook, with a poetic and Godly outreach, then the other person disappears. I simply cannot find a single soul out in this world who is actually seeking that which they say they are, because the minute things start to pick up and actually gain ground and speed on the road of the wanted path, the other person simply pulls back, hitting all four breaks at once. As if, they never would have expected to find someone who actually does and is serious about what they say they are. This is the status of my heart at this time. It’s simply heartbreaking to be able to find a rare creature of likes and dislikes and then they flee for some reason. Is this social world in the crevices of doom? Is everything now so shallow that the depth of dreams and real fascination and seriousness and glory about a romantic partnership and loving relationship are long gone? I am so lost, confused and hurt … Where are you, my One?

  26. JP

    I am currently in the process of being rejected.

    I am a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom and have been diagnosed with PTSD. My bouts of anger, flashbacks, nightmares – it cannot be described as anything less than Satan having a foothold on an entire part of you that God must battle with over your soul, and over your life. It’s more complex than that, but for the sake of brevity, that’s the short Cliff Notes version, Christian of course.

    I was diagnosed in 2007, and when I was diagnosed, my girlfriend at the time abandoned me because she didn’t want to be around “crazy people.” As painful as this was, I tried to move on, and another relationship came, which fell apart. And another fell apart, and one more in 2009. These weren’t as much rebounds, as thinking God had put someone else in this life who would be able to “take the pain” I was randomly afflicting (not physical or emotional abuse mind you, I would never go that route. The suicidal ideations and self-harm that goes with the disorder is what I mean), the loss of worth and the days of total insanity due to sleeping and experiencing nightmares – visions of Hell, as it were, coupled in conjunction with my time in Iraq. But they always left. And following that was a suicide attempt, which either God somehow stopped by some miracle, either by police or a friend or a pastor, or whatever.

    Before you tell me that it’s because I fell away from God somehow or inherited sin, or because I’m not really a believer, I remember the Gospel of John 9:1-3. But I was still waiting for that glory to come.

    And after a while, I grew impatient and I let PTSD take over almost the entirety of my life. And I fell.

    I did have those thoughts of Nihilism that others have commented with on this thread, including “God never made anyone for me,” “never love anyone,” etc. But those thoughts, and the sins I committed when I fell, all but stopped when I met a Christian woman last year around this time, who brought me back to the Lord’s ways and beliefs, to realize God’s goodness and righteousness.

    BUT here is the clincher.

    During my path back to the Lord, committing back to the Holy Spirit, both God AND her had to contend with the disorder within me. And although out of all my relationships she has lasted the longest, the disorder has many times got the best of me – loss of self-worth, self-abusive actions, bouts of anger over simple things (she even went to a worship concert and I got angry and didn’t know why, how sinful was I?) – and although I realize God’s everlasting love…I’m afraid she has ran out of that love for me.

    She has spent the past two months pushing me away because of the way I’ve hurt her and the ways I hurt myself. She doesn’t know how hard I have tried to contain this, to fight this; because this battle is one that is taking my entirety to contend with and it will take my life. Just last night I spent wrestling with the devil yet again, visions of terror I know other soldiers and veterans are raging against each night as well. I am in counseling, I am trying to go to Church, I have delved back into the Word of God, and I am waiting for the Spirit to not only come into me, but stay and fight for me.

    Two months ago, I moved from Portland, OR to here in Illinois to be with her, leaving everything behind because for some reason God’s plan seemed to involve me here. But the flip side is, I have nobody else but her – no family nor friends yet.

    She has stopped texting me. She might as well ignore my calls. She says she is waiting for God to give her an answer on what to do with me.

    I already feel myself slipping, so close am I to suicidal action sometimes. All I can do is confess as David did in Psalms 51:10-12 – hoping to not only receive forgiveness which I know is guaranteed for a believer, but FEEL forgiven and know that life is still worth living, that people are still worth loving.

    Please pray for me. I no longer know how long I will last in the face of this rejection. Nor do I know who will win over my life anymore – God or the enemy. The cycle repeats itself all the time, and I lose hope ever more with each rejection.

  27. Bill Peterson

    To JP: I’m a vet, brother, so I have a special empathy towards you. Listen up:

    GOD says, “You are accepted in the beloved” and secondly (…and let this impact your spirit cause it will CHANGE everything for the better in your life!) The Psalmist David says, “The LORD is my shepard, I shall NOT want…” STOP RIGHT THERE!! THis IS all you need. Everything else that is written, following that short sentence, ONLY shows what GOD is able and willing to do in your life, IF you will allow HIM to be the “shepard” in your life. PTSD is NO match to the power of GOD!! In fact, I believe DAVID penned those words in the midst of his own despair. Discipline yourself, to making GOD your shepard in every area of your life. Make EVERY circumstance you now face, submit to the “Shepards” authority… and HE will gentle lead you, “besides the still waters.” Because, JP, and whomever else is reading this, GOD loves YOU and has a wonderful plan for your life. Keep the faith, brother! -bill

  28. s

    I appreciate the post, Bill. It’s so hard to keep that mindset in the face of rejection. I’ve just had my heart broken…and then walked all over. My girlfriend of three years decided that she was ready for a change, and walked away from me. I’ve never been more devastated in my entire life. I was getting ready to pop the question. I thought we had something special…something unmatched. I still think we did. There were some indications that we were growing apart, and we were both kind of tired of the current direction we were heading. The difference was, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and make it work, and well, she gave up. This happened three months ago. I just found out that she’s been seeing another guy for a few weeks now. I’m shocked that she has the emotional capacity to start a new relationship…especially after three years. I now know she must have checked out of our relationship long before she actually broke up with me. I’m just so shocked. I’m also offended, because she hasn’t been very delicate at all. She’s been flaunting her new fling all over twitter and facebook. I would never, ever be so insensitive. I know she knows how devastated I am. I know she knows that I can’t resist keeping up with her in some form or fashion. I’ve also never had a girl break up with me, and then stop all communication with me. How do you go from being best friends for three years, to nothing at all. It hurts so insanely bad. I know I deserve better, but it doesn’t make it any easier. How could she be so cold? How did she just shut out the last three years? What do I do with all of these great memories and moments that we shared? It’s overwhelming! I need some closure, but i’m scared I’ll never get it.

  29. Robert

    There are a lot of truths on here. The main thing to concern yourself with is what God thinks of you, not what others think of you. Also, to forgive in order to be forgiven. Also, remember that all of us fall short of God because we have all sinned. The important thing to remember is that life on this earth is extremely short and to walk with God takes precedence above all else.

  30. Rachel

    I am currently dealing with the after effects of a break-up…It was a brief relationship but we connected in a that i never did with any man. I have been single for a bout 2 yrs, 32 and have a son who’s dad passed away 2007 – in the 2 years i dedicated my life to God and these were the best times of my life becuase God restored me in ways i cannot begin to imagine – I met this guy and he was amazed at how well my life has turned out, how grounded i was and how a good mother i was to my son…the problem was although Cristian he had issues with alcohol and just his identity.He’s from another church and they seem very religious – we had issues especially concerning the drinking and what he got up to after drinking..but he managed to turn it around saying that he cannot stand the fighting and that he’s going back to his ex from his church because time is running out and blah blah blah…I ended up feeling like I’m the one who ruined the relationship but deep down i know if he hadn’t done the things he did – we would be ok, different churches or not! I am hurt, and feel like the time i spent seeking God and believing Him for a Godly connection was wasted on this man.
    He came one dawn at about 2:30 when his girl wasn’t there, drunk and said i’ve hurt him and that he;s never loved anyone like he has loved me. That afternoon the girl came back and he acted like he never set foot at my house.
    I was so hurt and cinfused but i realise that that’s what the devil tries to do – he has painted this gloomy pic that i’d lost something of very great value and i am not going to cry over him, if he loved me in the first place he wouldn’t do this to me. I pray for strength to carry on and to stand firm trusting God for a godly man who will love and care for me…It is not easy though

  31. Jen

    I just went through a breakup yesterday after dating a guy for almost a year. I’ve been divorced for five years, and this guy is the second guy I’ve been serious about in that time. We broke up New Year’s Eve, and I had hoped we could work things out. Distance, lack of time together and other demands just wouldn’t allow our relationship to grow and mature. If I was lucky I would see him once a week, and we talked on the phone every day. He also has a teenaged daughter going off to college in the fall, so he always felt like a part time boyfriend/part time dad.
    What hurts the most is me…I tried to hold on and make the relationship work. I think I tried so hard b/c I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to be alone. I am 40, I have no children, and I think I put marriage too high on a pedestal due to my parents splitting up and my own divorce later in my life. I seem to have this false idea that marriage will solve it all….nope.
    I just hurt because he broke it off both times….the second time I knew it would happen. I was even starting to wonder if I was in God’s will but I didn’t have the courage to break it off. So would I have just stayed with him so I could be with someone? I don’t hate him. I miss him. It just seems impossible….for me to have a healthy relationship. It makes me want to give up. I know the Lord is close to me, and He’s holding my broken heart.
    My prayer is for my heart to heal and that I would learn what God wants me to learn. I want to trust Him to restore me. I just want the desire to be married to be gone.

  32. Jared

    After posting in August, I just have to say that we have to remember that this world is a broken world, full of broken people, with broken histories and a sin nature to boot.

    People hurt people. Plain and simple. Sometimes they mean to, sometimes they don’t. We’ve all been rejected and we’ve also all rejected people, possibly from out of our own rejection we do this, and the cycle continues. The only thing that can stop the rejection cycle is the mind of Christ and the peace of God that smothers the fires of animosity.

    Marriage is a tough issue. I went online to plentyoffish.com (wonderful site if you can find the right person) and have been dating my girlfriend since August of last year. I’ll say it like this :

    I always dreamed I’d meet a godly girl in Bible study that stole my heart and took my breath away from her beauty and godliness. Someone that just made my heart race looking at her. And that somehow we’d start dating and live happily ever after. But it doesn’t always work that way. Life is more dynamic than ‘happily ever after’. Because even if you do date that person that takes your breath away, chances are there’s something in their life that they will bomb you with later, such as a family history, an emotional crevice that prevents them from being close to you, or an STD.

    The girl I am dating now I didn’t meet at Bible study, but she loves God and is committed to doing the right thing. She fouls up and sometimes she cusses or gets angry – but then I thought, “so do I”. The girl I am dating now is not the girl that takes my breath away every time I see her, but in those moments we share together, there’s no one else I’d rather be with. She’s not stunning like the girl of my dreams, she doesn’t have the physical features that I always wanted, but then I think, “I’m not a 10 either”.

    She’s not a girl that I carry on my arm around the mall and think to myself, yeah…everybody’s gonna think this is so awesome, I have a hot girlfriend. But then I think, “how vain is that? would God want me thinking that?” And I also think, “would a girl ever do that with me? probably not. I’m not a 10.”

    Sometimes people meet the person of their dreams and live happily ever after. Some people also invested in the dot com boom and were fortunate to have an explosion of income. The rain falls on the just and unjust. You may meet the person of your dreams, or maybe God will rearrange your heart and mind to follow what HE has for you.

    What I know now, is that the person that I am with is a fantastic human being with a beautiful soul. We talk about EVERYTHING and there are NO secrets. NONE. Absolutely zero. We are so comfortable with each other we make other people uncomfortable. And when we fight we always resolve it quickly and meet halfway. Those are the things I believe a relationship are supposed to be built on.

    BTW, I bought her an engagement ring yesterday. 🙂

    But to those who are struggling, I feel for you. I’ve waited a long long time to find somebody, and you will find that person too. Just don’t set your standards TOO high, or you’ll miss the silver lining in the clouds while you’re looking at the moon. And try dating sites – you may have to date a dozen jerks or so before you finally end up finding one that doesn’t live with their mom or isn’t more interested in their friends.

    Keep your head up, and onward Christian soldiers!

  33. Tamera

    I too just had my heart broken. I have been dating this guy for five months of my life. It started out great with him persueing me in every aspect. He became very distant and always in a irritated state when he was around me. I found out he was texting and having internet relationships with other girls. Who know he was probably seeing other people as well in our city. The bottom line is I was married for 9 yrs and now divorced with two kids. I am sad this happend. I know reaching out to The Lord will renew my strength in Him. All for His glory. He is close to the broken hearted and the crushed in spirit. He is my inspiration to face tomorrow. If I can face each moment of not calling him or texting the guy or answering his calls. Then, you can as well. My prayers are with you. God Bless

  34. Hayley

    How terribly judgemental on a Christian site to make such bitter and generalizing comments about single mothers . I met a guy online and travelled three thousand miles to see him over in the States (I am from the UK) I am a single mother, hardworking and raise my children alone. My boyfriend has just decided to remove his status from a very well known social network with no notice or discussion about it. I was due to fly back there in twelve days, can get no refund on my ticket and am in limbo. My boyfriend was psyche affective , at times very selfish but I offered infinate patience, understanding and support..There must be a greater reason why this has happened but I feel today as if I have been punched in the throat. I hope life improves for everybody who’s comments I have read. I am saddened by some of the responses..God bless

  35. H. Mickey Gill

    Hayley:

    Why is not wanting to raise someone else’s kids bitter, judgmental & generalizing? I admit this up front: I do not want any kids of my own!!! That has never been a responsibility I wanted, so I completely avoided it. I’ve got enough problems to deal with without being a parent on top of it. I’m at least honest about it.

    I’ll say it again: since I never wanted kids of my own, it would be absolutely suicidal for me to get myself mixed up with someone else’s kids. This is my personal choice. WHAT’S JUDGMENTAL ABOUT THAT???

    Your comments just betrayed your own bias against men who don’t want kids.

  36. Rachael

    SOW THE SEED OF LOVE!
    And the LORD shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath…(Deuteronomy 28:13). Some people get frustrated whenever they feel unloved or unappreciated by others. This is because they depend on others to make them happy, and when they meet people who don’t seem to care for them, they feel crushed. That’s not God’s dream for any believer. Instead of waiting for people to care for you, He wants you to be the one to care for others. That’s the way to think; don’t wait for people to care for you. Rather, live life from the standpoint of a blesser, and look out for people
    that need to be loved, blessed and cared for. You need to see yourself as God’s outstretched hand to bless your world. God said to Abraham: “And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you [with abundant increase of favours] and make your name famous and
    distinguished, and you will be a blessing [dispensing good to others]” (Genesis 12:2 AMP). You’re the seed of Abraham, and you’ve been called to dispense good to others. When you learn to see yourself this way, your happiness and joy won’t be dependent on others, but will naturally effuse from with you: “But the fruit of the
    Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness,
    goodness, faith” (Galatians 5:22).
    Be willing to show to others the same love you desire to
    receive. If you show love, you’ll receive love. The Bible says, “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Galatians 6:7). If you sow the seed of love in abundance, you’ll surely reap a harvest of love from others in greater measure. The beautiful thing about it is, when you sow love in abundance, you won’t only receive love from those to whom you expressed love, but also from people you never knew before.
    PRAYER
    Dear Father, thank you for expressing your love through
    me to my world today. I function from a position of advantage today, refusing to be dependent on others for
    love and fulfillment, but freely dispensing the love of God
    that’s shed abroad in my heart, in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

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