The following article, Sexual Feelings of Christian Single Women, was written by a single Christian woman who is also a mental health professional. The writer thought it important that single Christian men, in their fight against lust and quest for sexual purity in dating relationships, understand how the sexual feelings of Christian single women work:
I just want to say to all the Christian men who think single Christian women don’t think as much about sex as you do – we do. We just romanticize and emotionalize it a bit more. Romance novels are an emotional stimulus that has an end result similar to porn; so do Cosmo and Glamor magazines. This is because emotional and intellectual connection are generally more of what turn women on.
As a woman who was sexually abused in her own home at a very young age, I have struggled a lot with sexual impurity and guilt that my mind fantasizes about my current Christian boyfriend. Long before I met my boyfriend, I went to counseling for years (because of the abuse) and now am a mental health professional. Yet, I know from my professional background that in spite of all my healing, there are just some changes in my brain and my chemistry from childhood that just make me a more sexual person than I otherwise would have been.
I was tired of the guilt and just spoke to my boyfriend about my sexual feelings fantasies and he told me he has similar fantasies. We prayed together that God would help us remain in control of ourselves and our sexual urges because we want to save sex for marriage. We also set up rules for ourselves that would keep us from getting into situations that would give us means and opportunity (because the motive – temptation – is there). Everyone’s different, so details of this are micromanagement, but I think every couple that is dating exclusively (especially Christian couples) should have a sex talk, and share what their insights are as far as setting up fences long before the cliff as not to tip toe until over the edge.
When a Christian single girl learns over time to trust a man that is willing to work with her for the sake of putting Christ first in the relationship (e.g., above sexual feelings and impulses), she is much more free to experience herself and her man as who they fully are, relaxing and knowing that he does not intend to pressure her into sex, either directly or just by exploring her with his hands in ways that tempt her.
For Christian single women, when we deeply connect with a man on other levels (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) we feel a strong need (our own yearning) and obligation (to please) to reciprocate, sexually. Our temptation is to use sex to get more love (remember how much we women romanticize) from a man and validate the love we are already feeling from him. As leaders, Christian men can reassure us of their love, commitment, and devotion that will not fade when we choose not to go all the way during temptation. That is, the world tells we women if we don’t have sex with a man, we’ll lose him to someone else who will, or that we owe men sex in return for pursuing us and sweeping us off our feet. It’s a crock (if the men are decent and worth being with anyway), but some of it sinks in now and then.
A Christian man who puts Christ and participating in Christian service/ministry might see dating as an opportunity to show a woman that he is willing to devote himself to her like Christ did to the church. This perspective might come from knowing that Christ gave to the church more (= to love, devotion, romantic pursuit from a man to a woman) before expecting the church to understand how to receive and give back to Him (= to sexually giving from a woman to a man) and it was all in the context of the deepest of commitments (= to marriage).
God bless all you men who care enough about your relationships with women and with Christ to read this feminine perspective. I hope I have helped you see a little more into what women need and that you can be the best men God intended you to be.