Sexual Feelings of Christian Single Women

The following article, Sexual Feelings of Christian Single Women, was written by a single Christian woman who is also a mental health professional. The writer thought it important that single Christian men, in their fight against lust and quest for sexual purity in dating relationships, understand how the sexual feelings of Christian single women work:

I just want to say to all the Christian men who think single Christian women don’t think as much about sex as you do - we do. We just romanticize and emotionalize it a bit more. Romance novels are an emotional stimulus that has an end result similar to porn; so do Cosmo and Glamor magazines. This is because emotional and intellectual connection are generally more of what turn women on.

As a woman who was sexually abused in her own home at a very young age, I have struggled a lot with sexual impurity and guilt that my mind fantasizes about my current Christian boyfriend. Long before I met my boyfriend, I went to counseling for years (because of the abuse) and now am a mental health professional. Yet, I know from my professional background that in spite of all my healing, there are just some changes in my brain and my chemistry from childhood that just make me a more sexual person than I otherwise would have been.

I was tired of the guilt and just spoke to my boyfriend about my sexual feelings fantasies and he told me he has similar fantasies. We prayed together that God would help us remain in control of ourselves and our sexual urges because we want to save sex for marriage. We also set up rules for ourselves that would keep us from getting into situations that would give us means and opportunity (because the motive - temptation - is there). Everyone’s different, so details of this are micromanagement, but I think every couple that is dating exclusively (especially Christian couples) should have a sex talk, and share what their insights are as far as setting up fences long before the cliff as not to tip toe until over the edge.

When a Christian single girl learns over time to trust a man that is willing to work with her for the sake of putting Christ first in the relationship (e.g., above sexual feelings and impulses), she is much more free to experience herself and her man as who they fully are, relaxing and knowing that he does not intend to pressure her into sex, either directly or just by exploring her with his hands in ways that tempt her.

For Christian single women, when we deeply connect with a man on other levels (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) we feel a strong need (our own yearning) and obligation (to please) to reciprocate, sexually. Our temptation is to use sex to get more love (remember how much we women romanticize) from a man and validate the love we are already feeling from him. As leaders, Christian men can reassure us of their love, commitment, and devotion that will not fade when we choose not to go all the way during temptation. That is, the world tells we women if we don’t have sex with a man, we’ll lose him to someone else who will, or that we owe men sex in return for pursuing us and sweeping us off our feet. It’s a crock (if the men are decent and worth being with anyway), but some of it sinks in now and then.

A Christian man who puts Christ and participating in Christian service/ministry might see dating as an opportunity to show a woman that he is willing to devote himself to her like Christ did to the church. This perspective might come from knowing that Christ gave to the church more (= to love, devotion, romantic pursuit from a man to a woman) before expecting the church to understand how to receive and give back to Him (= to sexually giving from a woman to a man) and it was all in the context of the deepest of commitments (= to marriage).

God bless all you men who care enough about your relationships with women and with Christ to read this feminine perspective. I hope I have helped you see a little more into what women need and that you can be the best men God intended you to be.

Related Articles:

Looking to Find a Christian Wife
Sex Life of Christian Singles

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Comments

8 Responses to “Sexual Feelings of Christian Single Women”

Kamille on February 12th, 2008 1:52 am

I can definitely relate to and agree with this story on sexual feelings. As a Christian single woman I recently broke up with my boyfriend for the 80th time and it’s because I was not sure about God’s will for our relationship. So now I am in a place where I just want to know God’s will for my life in this area, and I told him we should just be friends. I know that putting God first is the most important thing I can do and maybe this is a test so that He can teach me to lean on him for the answers in my life instead of my own understanding. I welcome any wise replies.
Cell on December 11th, 2008 3:18 pm

I feel like you as well.. hopefully you’ve been able to fix the problem since Feb. I am recently with a guy who I am also not sure of. We have broken up several times too. He is a really nice guy and loves the Lord. He has also proven to me that he loves me and respects me alot. We’ve been in many situations of almost being completely intimate and he’s respected me 100% but I do feel quilty when we fore play. I know we should wait unto we are married but it is really hard. Especially I that I have not had sex yet. If you get this comment please feel free to write to me. God BLess
Menow on December 17th, 2008 2:48 am

First let me respond to you Cell on Sexual Feelings of Single Women…..
All things are possible through God. When he comes into your life and takes control he will remove all those sexual desires from your heart. Now that you are on the right road don’t let Satan turn you around by letting your earthly desires cause you spiritual pain.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and when we started dating we were having sex. In just a year God has changed that for me. I have always wanted to do what was right but it was Hard. So i prayed and i prayed and i just let God have his way in my life. Since he came in, he has removed all sexual desires from me. I thought it was just amazing to see how he works. It is something when someone tells you about his works, but when you can see it firsthand it really makes a difference.

Now my bf, on the other hand is not on the same spiritual level that i am on. that is causing a major problem in our relationship. He says that he understands but he still continues to ask me for sex. just two weeks ago i told him that i didn’t want to be with him anymore because i was tired of telling thim the same thing over and over and over. He begged and pleaded and said that he understood and i gave him another chance and he is already getting back on my bad side. But i am being strong for ME!
So much for him………………!
I want you to really pray and ask God for strength so that you can overcome this sex thing. Take it one step at a time and believe in The Lord and yourself. You CAN DO IT!!!
HE tells us in the word that he will give us our heart desires, so if your heart desires to wait for sex until marriage, pray for it and watch him work.
Okwee on December 26th, 2008 9:12 am

This is a great article especially coming from a lady. Am a guy and most of the time we think its only the guys who fantasize about sex in the relationship. What ladies dont know is that guys are also inundated with severe guilt once they have sex otuside marriage. Regret sets in and they begin avoiding the girl. God has called us all to purity. If you value something, you will protect it and take good care of it. Some time back i always used to look at women from a sexual perspective. Then i read a book called “Gift Wrapped by God”(..which incidentally is written for single ladies). This completely changed my perspective of women. The woman/or man close to your heart is Gods gift to you. A precious gift that will last a lifetime. Dont ruin the party before time. God bless you all.
Charles on December 26th, 2008 10:28 am

Hi Menow….

Say, I’d like to offer some input on this discussion…..

In regard to sexual feelings, I think that the idea that we are just to pray that sexual desire should go away is not quite the biblical approach. The bible has two solutions….. One: Marriage. That’s the first thing it recommends for sexual temptation, and many of the catechisms list “undue delay of marriage” as a sin against the seventh commandment.
Second: Mortification. Mortification implies not that the desire just goes away. I might as well pray that the desire for food will go away, and if your desire has truly gone away, then there is perhaps something physically malfunctioning, because God made that part of us, and He made it to work. But mortification implies that I still have the desire, and so have to PUT IT TO DEATH…. that is… completely deny it. “If ye, through the Spirit, do mortify the deeds of the flesh ye shall live”. Also…. I totally understand about failing in this area. Back in 2003 I failed in this area on three occasions during a months time. But there are many verses which speak of how we will not inherit the kingdom of God if we live in fornication, (ICor.6:9, Eph.5:5-7, Gal.5:17-21, etc), and I came to the point where I had to apply this to myself, and tell myself… “Charles, if you are going to live in this sin, then I must call in question the safety of my spiritual state”. It was shortly after that that God gave me true repentance, which I have walked in ever since, despite having pushed some of the borders of chastity in times of weakness. But even that eventually went by the way-side.
Rather than think that we can get our desires to go away, I am proposing that the bible solution is to have to constantly put them to death… to be yielded to the Holy Spirit who gives us life and power to DIE, and say NO to sin, as impossible as that can seem in ourselves. I hope this is a blessing to the believers here.
Charles
SistahM on January 2nd, 2009 7:35 am

Sex is a gift from God and is for marriage. Yes, single folks have sexual desires, and here is a way to deal with them;Thank God for showing you that you have desires for a mate that He will introduce you to,, but as Him to quiet them down or put them to sleep until you are married. These desires will wake up from time to time but you can overcome them with the same request, and by keeping your focus on God. This is bringing the flesh under subjection. Don’t pray for the desire to die or be killed off…why would you want to kill a gift from God? What do you think will happen when you get married and you have no real desire for your mate? Can you say NOTHING? Thank You God for the sexual feelings that let me know that I have feelings and desires for my mate, and am desired by him (whenever he comes into my life). In Jesus name i pray. Amen
Mike hucul on August 15th, 2009 5:55 pm

Hi my name is Mike and I’m grateful for this article. I’m so glad that a female was able to shed some light on this topic, that can be for the sake of being a “christian” be so misunderstood and misrepresented.

I too was abused as a child and the bio chemical reaction my body and mind has when it comes to sex is amazingly different. It tries to bring balance to the trauma I suffered through the sexual experience. All the intense feelings God created for me to have are used to try and heal me also.

I also believe its important to discuss these particulars when getting involved in a relationship. I think it’s important to stress that I would prefer to not have sex before marriage. This tends to take the pressure off the. Thanks,

God bless
Mike
esme on September 5th, 2009 3:09 pm

Seriously, I don’t mean to sound like a hater but this is ridiclulous. When are we christians going to tell the truth about the issues with sex. Yes I know that the word states you are to wait until marriage befor sex. 90% of people have had sex before marriage. 90%!. This senseless preaching about holding out is waste of time. We need ton be teaching our kids that it is okay to marry at 21 if you have a chance to. I not saying that you should marry anyone but don’t wait for the “perfect” scenario. It ain’t going to happen. Sex is a natural thing and the desires we have are real. Just don’t hold yourself to the point where you are doing perverted things. It will come out!