Battling Anxiety About the Future as a Christian Single

For sure, feeling anxious is very common. That’s definitely one of the hardest parts of the single life, the uncertainty of an unknown future. As Christians we’re often told to “trust God” or “wait on God” or “trust God’s timing.” But the Bible doesn’t promise us marriage anywhere. How, exactly, are you supposed to trust God to fulfill a promise when He never made you that promise in the first place?

Personally, I don’t think there’s such a thing as “soulmates.” That idea comes from Greek philosophy and mythology, but the Bible doesn’t mention it. In 1 Corinthians 7:39 Paul even says that, if you’re a widow, you can re-marry, and you can marry whoever you want, as long as they’re a Christian.

This can be pretty difficult in a setting like church, for sure. In my experience, church folks tend to be married. Or dating. Or engaged. Pastors and church elders are, in my experience, always married. Often these people marry young. Also, they often marry someone that they met by coincidence (when they “stopped looking” as the cliché goes) and thus assume that it was all “God’s plan.” They “waited” and “learned contentment” and then got married. They figured out The Formula, apparently. Easy for them to say. You can certainly feel invisible in a setting like that. And you can suspect that these people have no idea what it’s like. And, of course, you have to brace yourself for all the platitudes and clichés about “God’s timing” and “singleness is a gift,” etc., etc. Comparison can be such a huge struggle in situations like that.

And it’s an intense desire for sure. If you desire romance, or marriage, or sex, well those are all normal. But it’s frustrating because there’s no real substitute for them when you’re single. Yes, you friends love you, but it’s not THAT kind of love. Yes, your family loves you, but it’s not THAT kind of love. And yes, Jesus loves you……but it’s not THAT kind of love. I’ve always liked how, in the Bible, there’s so many different Hebrew and Greek words for the different kinds of love. In English we, confusingly, can only over-use one.

I mean, we all want to be loved. And there’s definitely something special and unique and exclusive about romantic love and, ultimately, marriage, isn’t there? Take sex, for instance. Sex is just one part of this, but sex is also the most intimate way that anyone will ever physically love you. It’s not a “base” or “carnal” desire. God designed it. Yes, we can experience sex in sinful ways, but it’s understandable why lots of people want it. Paul even says that strong sexual desires are a valid reason to get married.

Well-meaning people will give you advice along the lines of “spend more time with God” and “focus on Jesus” and “get involved in ministry,” etc. etc. Of course, we should all be doing that anyway, whether we’re single or not. But these things don’t do anything to quench your romantic or sexual desires, now, do they? If they could, well, why would anyone bother dating or getting married?

The hard thing about all this is that the desires for these things is totally normal. An interesting thing about marriage is that God created it at the dawn of the world. It happened in the Garden of Eden, while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. So it wasn’t a lack of God being “enough” that made God give Adam a wife. He looked at Adam and said it “wasn’t good” for him to be alone. Wait! So even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.

Of course, then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. People will often tell you that you’re currently single because that’s “God’s plan.” I have my doubts about that. In Matthew 19, when Jesus talks about people who stay celibate and never marry, he mentions a few different types: people who CHOOSE to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by “other men.” So some people stay single, and it’s not because THEY chose it OR because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.

Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good.

Is it “God’s plan” that you’re currently single? Maybe. Maybe not. Just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan. What if you’re currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things “God’s plan” just because they’re currently happening?

I mean, I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. if that’s broadly accurate, it means that not every Christian will be able to find someone to marry. Is that “God’s plan”?

Often, as Christians, we can get the idea that God is a Puppetmaster who’s running every aspect of our love life. have my doubts about this, though. The Bible doesn’t say anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It even says that, if you’re single, you can marry whoever you want, as long as they’re a Christian (see 1 Corinthians 7:39)

I would definitely be proactive about this if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I don’t think these things “just happen.” I mean, what if you’re a Christian and you’re pursuing goals like a job search, or weight loss? We don’t just sit back and “wait on God” in those scenarios, do we? But when it comes to romance we can often over-spiritualize it. And, for sure, we do have to prepare. Single you will be the married you, unless you decide to make changes.

From reading 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose either marriage or singleness. But, of course, we have to bring God into it.

Apparently, for the first few thousand years of human history, it was “God’s plan” for young people to be joined in arranged marriages in their late teens. Then God changed his mind to around 18 or so, with close involvement and vetting from each other’s parents. Then He changed it to be more inclusive of other races and social classes. Then, in the modern age, God decided to change it for many people to the late twenties and early thirties, with little involvement from parents, at least initially. What is going on?

Another strange point about the belief that God ordains people to be single or married: According to many Christians God will introduce you to “The One” at “the right time.” To make things even more confusing, we send a mixed message of how if you do everything right (like don’t have sex) as a single, God will reward you with a happy marriage with the “soulmate” He prepared just for you. So you don’t “earn” it, but you do “earn” it, but it’s all in His timing….or something.

And then we wonder why so many Christian singles are confused, hurt, bitter, unmarried, or struggle with marriage. The Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It’s not even hinted at.

I think we sometimes have bad motives for leaving situations in “God’s hands.” For example, we’re scared to make the first move, we don’t like dealing with rejection, we don’t like dealing with our own insecurities or shortcomings, or we don’t like dealing with our fears. And, of course, as Christians we often just over-spiritualize everything. That’s how we get to places where we think things like “It’ll happen when God wills it.” Of course, none of this stuff is helpful if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I mean, if we’re on a job search, we don’t approach it that way, now, do we? Or goals like, say, weight loss.

Sometimes we have to act. But sometimes we believe that acting is a sign of weak faith. But isn’t it IN acting that our faith is proven?

I mean, God’s will is mostly done by God’s people. So we need to do it with God. But we still need to do it. Hahaha.

Also, regarding these verses, I think we often adopt a mentality that results in us being passive and basically waiting for God to do everything for us. Apparently, that’s The Good Christian Thing To Do, and if you take any action to make anything happen, that’s a bad thing, because it proves that you “lack faith” or something. But, again, God doesn’t promise us romance or marriage. How can we trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to us?

“Your season of singleness is not a mistake or a holding pattern. God is actively writing your story for His glory and your good.” Sure, maybe. But I wouldn’t be too passive about this. Look at what Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 7. He says here that if you’re single and not content with it……then maybe you should get married! Isn’t that interesting?

Paul says a lot of interesting things in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ?? not that GOD wishes it. He says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.

You also mention Jeremiah 29:11. I get that this verse is popular, but it was not originally addressed to us. It was addressed to the exiles in Babylon. God had promised to bring Israel back; therefore, the exiles could be assured that they had “hope and a future.” This promise wasn’t made to all nations at the time, but only to Israel. God promised that the nation of Israel would be restored, but very few of the exiles actually lived to see the fulfillment of that prophecy seventy years later. Most of them, in fact, died without seeing the future that God had planned. Likewise, the future and hope we have in Christ are not a guarantee that things will go well in this life. For most believers (throughout history and in the world today), the world is a hard and dangerous place. The promise outlined in Romans 8:28 is specifically that, even though believers will face all sorts of dangers and persecutions in this life (trouble, hardship, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, sword—see verse 35), Christ will never abandon them. Perhaps unwanted singleness can be counted among these struggles as well. Sure, there’s “worse things” than being single. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s genuinely hard and painful for many.

You also mention Mathew 6:34. This is true as well, but I wouldn’t use this to discourage planning and prudent management of your resources and time; neither does Jesus here endorse a hedonistic, YOLO lifestyle devoid of consideration for the future. Yes, we can battle against worry, But we can still make plans and take action, when it comes to our romantic dreams, or many other practical aspects of life.

It’s normal to have anxiety about an unknown future when you’re single. We can’t help the way these things make us feel. But we can always control our decisions and actions. And we often have to take action to make these dreams come true.

You also mention that “singleness actually gives you unique freedom to serve God without distraction.” You refer here to 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you AREN’T distracted by the desire for marriage, then MAYBE you have the gift of singleness. And, of course, in English, “distracting” has a negative connotation. But it seems more like Paul might merely making the elementary observation that marriage, or the search for marriage, can place more demands on your time and attention than the contented single life (if you can honestly live such a life)

It’s OK to desire marriage, and it’s OK to take action to try to make marriage happen.