Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment. When we speak of commitment phobia among singles, we are referring to folks who avoid commiting to long term relationships such as marriage. People who suffer from committment phobia come in all varieties. Commitment phobes (no, I didn’t make this term up!) can be both male and female, Christian and non-Christian, teens, single parents or seniors.
Commitment phobia among singles can occur for several reasons. However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. This is a sad catch-22 situation.
Afterwards, these singles loathe themselves for acting so stupidly. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Many of these singles, Christian or not, are incapable of making a commitment without therapeutic help, patience and lots of prayer.
Unfortunately, it is not just the person with commitment phobia who suffers. Many times singles looking for love get hooked in by the charm and manipulation of commitment phobic singles, who may or may not know what pain they are about to unload on the unsuspecting person.
The pain cycle of someone who gets stuck on a person with committment phobia:
- The Allurement-This is the place where manipulation and romance occurs.
- The Abandonment-Just as the single who is not afraid of commitment thinks the “relationship” is going somewhere, the commitment phobe inexplicably withdraws from the friendship. Needless to say, this leaves the other single devestatingly heartbroken, confused and feeling rejected. Can we get a few amens out there from some people who have suffered through this?
Avoiding Singles With Commitment Phobia
The best way to avoid a heartbreak with this kind of person is to spot the tell tale signs of a commitment phobic person. I guess I should be honest at this point and tell you that most singles who suffer from commitment phobia are, you guessed it, men. Anyway, here are some signs, and if you find most of them in the person you are really into…run for the hills before it’s too late:
He comes on real strong, making you think he is really smitten by your charms.
Pulls out everything but the “kitchen sink” in making you believe he is your perfect match. For example, if you like something, he will say he likes the same thing.
Indicates you are that “long lost soulmate” he has been waiting and praying for all of his life.
In the beginning he tries to spend every moment he can with you. Often, he will call you just to say what he knows you want to hear, like “I miss you.”
Talks about a life together in the future. For example, “When we have our kids I would love to live here.” This gives the impression that he is planning on staying with you forever.
He has a horrible past relationship history, but makes you believe this time it will finally work.
If you are a single Christian who has commitment phobia, but knows it is destroying your life and those around you, know that there is hope. Our recommendation is to contact a church in your local area, and ask for a counseling referral. If you don’t have a local church, New Life Ministries offers a 24 hour international counseling hotline. You can call toll free at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. If you reside in NJ contact our own ministry at Oasis-Church-NJ.com, or call us at 732-406-7821
Finally, consider helping other singles by sharing your experiences with commitment phobia.