Hey friend, let’s have a heart-to-heart about something that can be a little tricky when it comes to love: losing yourself. As a Christian single woman, I know how easy it can be to put someone else’s needs and wants before your own when you’re excited about a relationship. But what happens when you wake up one day and realize you’re not sure who you are anymore?
If you’ve ever found yourself bending over backward to please someone, always putting them first, or constantly sacrificing your own desires, you might be abandoning yourself in the relationship. And trust me, that’s not the healthiest place to be. Let’s unpack this together, from a Christian perspective, because relationships should be built on mutual respect and love—not losing who God created you to be.
What Does “Abandoning Yourself” Mean?
Abandoning yourself in a relationship means giving up or neglecting your own needs, desires, and identity for the sake of the other person. Maybe it happens slowly—first, you skip your favorite Bible study to spend more time with them, then you start agreeing with their opinions even when they don’t align with your own, and before you know it, your whole life revolves around them.
It’s not wrong to make compromises in a relationship—actually, that’s a beautiful part of love. But abandoning yourself goes beyond that. It’s when you lose sight of who you are, what you believe, and what you need because you’ve placed your identity in the relationship rather than in Christ.
Why Does This Happen?
Let’s be real: the desire to be loved and accepted is powerful. God designed us to be relational beings, so it’s natural to want connection. But sometimes, in our longing to be loved, we start to believe that we need to be someone else to keep that love.
It can happen for so many reasons. Maybe you’ve been hurt before, and you’re scared of losing someone again. Or maybe you think that being “easygoing” and never expressing your needs will make the relationship smoother. You could also be following cultural ideas of what love looks like, where self-sacrifice is romanticized in an unhealthy way.
As Christian women, we can sometimes feel like we’re called to self-sacrifice in relationships because we’re supposed to be kind, patient, and giving. And while those are beautiful fruits of the Spirit, there’s a big difference between loving others well and abandoning yourself.
The Danger of Losing Yourself
Here’s the thing: when you abandon yourself in a relationship, you’re not just letting go of your own preferences. You’re neglecting the person God created you to be. And He made you on purpose, for a purpose!
Think of it this way—God gave you your unique passions, desires, and strengths for a reason. When you let those go, you’re missing out on the full life He has planned for you. Plus, abandoning yourself can lead to resentment, burnout, and even a sense of hopelessness.
And let’s not forget that in a healthy relationship, both people should be contributing to the growth and well-being of the other. It should be a partnership where you are each helping the other become more of the person God has called them to be. If one person is giving up everything and the other is just taking, that’s not love—that’s imbalance.
Signs You’re Abandoning Yourself in a Relationship
Maybe you’re starting to wonder if you’ve been abandoning yourself in past relationships or maybe even now. Here are some signs that it might be happening:
- You’re constantly worried about their happiness over your own. Do you find yourself anxious about keeping them happy, even if it means sacrificing your own peace? That could be a red flag.
- You no longer pursue your passions or hobbies. Maybe you’ve given up the things that bring you joy because they’re not interested or don’t care about them.
- You stop spending time with friends and family. If you’ve pulled away from your community to focus entirely on the relationship, you might be losing yourself.
- You rarely express your opinions. Are you biting your tongue or nodding along to avoid conflict, even when you disagree?
- You feel drained, not uplifted. A healthy relationship should feel like a source of encouragement, not something that wears you out.
- You’ve stopped going to God. When we make a relationship the center of our life, we can accidentally replace God with that person. If your prayer life is suffering because you’re focused on your partner, it might be time to reevaluate.
What Does the Bible Say?
God’s Word gives us so much wisdom about how we should view ourselves and relationships. One verse that comes to mind is Psalm 139:14, which says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God made you wonderfully. You are valuable, just as you are, and no relationship should make you feel like you need to become less than the person He created you to be.
Another passage that helps is Romans 12:2, which talks about not conforming to the pattern of this world, but being transformed by the renewing of your mind. The world might tell you that losing yourself in love is normal, but God’s way is different. He wants you to be transformed in His love, not shaped by someone else’s approval.
Ephesians 5:21 speaks about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Submission is a two-way street, and it’s not about losing yourself but about mutual love and respect. If you’re in a relationship where one person is doing all the submitting, that’s not biblical.
How to Reclaim Yourself
If you’ve found yourself abandoned in a relationship, it’s not too late to come back. Here’s how you can start reclaiming who you are:
- Reconnect with God. Your identity should be rooted in Him, not in your partner. Spend time in prayer, ask Him to show you who He created you to be, and rediscover your purpose.
- Set Boundaries. It’s okay to say no sometimes. It’s okay to express your needs and desires. Start setting healthy boundaries that allow you to maintain your sense of self.
- Pursue Your Passions. Don’t give up on the things that bring you joy. Whether it’s a hobby, a ministry, or a dream, lean into those passions. God placed them on your heart for a reason.
- Talk to Your Partner. If you’re in a relationship, have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. A loving partner will want to support you in becoming the best version of yourself, not hold you back.
- Seek Wise Counsel. Sometimes it helps to talk to a mentor or counselor who can offer a fresh perspective and guide you through this process.
Final Thoughts
Abandoning yourself in a relationship might feel like love in the moment, but true love doesn’t require you to lose yourself. God made you with purpose, and any relationship worth having will help you grow into that purpose, not pull you away from it.
If you’ve been feeling lost, know that God sees you. He knows your heart and your struggles, and He’s there to help you reclaim your identity. Keep your eyes on Him, and trust that He’ll guide you toward relationships that reflect His love—without losing yourself along the way.
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