Are you dating a married man, or just tempted to? And while we’re on the subject, do you even know the signs you’re dating a married man? The following is a sober story of Tessa, a single Christian woman who was dating a married man, and lived to tell the whole sad story:
I found your web site while searching for healing. I fell in love with a man I knew (and previously dated) in high school. I had broken up with him 25 yrs ago b/c he cheated on me (I could never prove it, but I knew in my heart) and lied a lot. So….I run into him 25 yrs later…he and I were going through (supposedly) the exact same life situation…bad marriage on the verge of divorce, unsympathetic spouse, pain, loneliness, etc. The only difference was his marriage was totally done (they had the talk, agreed on the date…as soon as she had finished her last college degree) and mine was not.
Dating this married guy started as him emailing and calling as ‘a dear old friend.’ He would tell me how much he prayed…how much he had changed. I was smitten. I believed in him 100% b/c I was desperate for the attention and the romance. I compromised everything I believed in. My marriage almost ended. Our two children were a mess, as I was in ‘heaven’ with this guy occupying almost every thought (can you say idolatry?). Things started to self destruct when that ‘odd feeling’ in my gut told me that he was a liar (like he used to be).
The date of his impending divorce came and went, and he started to get very snippy and defensive if I even so much as inquired about his wife or his divorce. The more I started to inquire, the more he started to back-track. He ended up totally throwing me under the bus. If my husband would have left me, I would now be living alone…probably without my children. Like one other women said to me, trust your gut…ask the questions…if a guy gets ticked off, then he’s not the one (he’s also probably a liar and/or a narcissist).
If a guy really is Christian, he would not lead you to commit adultery, nor justify why he does it. There is NO justifying it. And if he’s doing it with you, he’ll do it TO you. I found out in my quest for answers that this guy has a problem with pornography, has girlfriends in at least 3 states, and is looking for more (and is STILL married). And yes, his wife knows about me. I doubt their marriage will survive, but that’s up to them (and God).
I know much of this is my own fault. I erroneously thought that somehow I was helping to lead this guy to the Lord, when in fact, he was leading me into the pit of hell. On the other hand, I am so BLESSED that my husband decided to stick in there with me. We are rebuilding our marriage and it is better than ever. For people who say that when the feeling is gone, your marriage is over, I say NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. That is a lie society has told us.
And for any of you contemplating any kind of relationship of any kind with a married man, I tell you this: RUN!! That is God’s word to “…run from sexual sin.” The reason is b/c it will tear your heart and soul to pieces. Also know that God gives us His Word to protect us, not for some twisted type of control used to keep us from really enjoying life as satan would have us believe. It is not o.k. for you to be friends either. That’s how it all starts….small compromises.
We all know that there are two paths in this world–the one of light and the one of darkness. There is no middle ground. Satan likes to convince us otherwise. Read your Bible people…it’s the best weapon against ‘the great deceiver’. And PRAY PRAY PRAY. Tell the guy to look you up if and when he actually does get a divorce (and I don’t just mean filing the papers). If it’s so ‘inevitable’ and ‘upcoming’, it shouldn’t take long. Even then, I would be extremely cautious. Make sure the guy’s lines (and actions) match up with scripture….that’s the real test.
Finally, what’s so bad being by yourself? Enjoy your “singlehood”. You’re better off that way…and remember to “Seek first His Kingdom, and you will be given the desires of your heart.” That’s actually how I met my husband :). I finally had given up on dating…on finding a man myself. I gave it to God, and took a chance on a very nice man who wasn’t the “charmer” or the “bad boy” I usually dated (and was thinking I was missing out on something later on). But guess what? His heart makes him more and more attractive to me every day, and here is a man who would stay by me through anything….even adultery, and even though it took everything he had to stay. God bless him for that (I know He will!). And praise be to God for delivering me from that horrible, deceitful situation and mindset, and for giving me another chance.
7 Comments
Tanya
Just wondering if someone could give me scripture relating to me being a christian who has strayed (far) away from the Lord, and am currently in a relationship with a man who has been seperated from his wife who lives in another state, so there has been no contact whatsoever. She has fought giving him the divorce, he is the one that left.
I am troubled by this and have been asking for truths in this matter and in this relationship. It has been a very tumelteous relationship, but we continue to love one another to no end.
We are also both in recovery for alcohol, him 3 years, and me falling into 4 relapses since Aug. One which just landed me in the hospital, and 2 trips to psych ward for threating to harm myself due to my alcoholism, nothing he has done.
Can you help?
Kat
Tanya I pray for you, it’s hard I know first hand. I was in a relationship with a married man recently. I was at my lowest in life. I’m a veteran and met this person at the va hospital. I didn’t know much about him except that he was “fine”. I knew it was wrong. As time went on (5 months to be exact) I learned that he had a drinking problem, and that I was not his only “victim”. Currently I’m struggling to not respond to his text messages. I have avoided him for over a month now, making up stories that I have my period etc. Well recently something good happened in my life and he was not happy about it, he was jealous. I guess when I was at my lowest he expected me to stay that way. Currently I’m not at my lowest thanks to the Lord above who has changed my circumstances for the better and he couldn’t handle it and seriously is jealous of it. I am very afraid to break it off, because he is much bigger than I am, and he drinks. Plus he has left bouquets of flowers on my patio late at night and didn’t call before coming over. Tanya just do what am doing and pray to God to release this person from your life. A married man is poison. And I totally understand about psych ward, been there before, but that was due to what happened to me long ago in the service. Just pray and I will pray with you as well. A bad relationship will make you relapse on bad habits. Mine was weed and drinking. and whenever he came over I abused both. I was so down on myself and he knew that and he knew that I was weak and he took advantage of it. I pray that you will be released from this relationship and your drinking. I threw all my alcohol out. He still drinks…alot! He still has a family and is jealous because I’m by myself and don’t have the responsibilities he has. The best thing you can do is end it. A married man is like the worst bad habit. Worse than smoking or picking your nose, it’s an awful habit. It’s lacking emotion, and lacking intimacy even if it feels good, because they are always going to be married. They are someone else’s man. I pray that you get over this Tanya. Hugs, kat
beth
I just ended my married man situation this morning. We went together for 2 years. I loved him and still do dearly but also felt compassion for his wife. I hacked into his email account and was shocked at what I found. He is a liar like most cheaters are. Not only was he a cheater but he controlled everything I did and while I sat at home alone on Christmas, Thanksgiving, he was hamming it up with his family enjoying himself and gave me no thought. God spoke with me repeatedly about what I was doing but I thought I knew better, I did not and what finally happened was I couldn’t live with the sin anymore. My ex husband who is a wonderful man has always been there for me and was there for me all the time. He told me he didn’t care where I’d been or what I’ve done that he still loves me and that is the way God loves us too if we have a repentive heart and desire to follow after Him, He will be there to pick us up when we fall. Today is hard but I know that God is here with me and will shelter me while my heart heals.
Olivia
Thank you for this post. I just ended my relationship with an old friend who is married. I tried to make excuses for him, saying his marriage was failing and that he needed me. But the plain truth is, I needed the attention and the romance, or I thought I did. I’m hurting, all day I fight the feeling to pick up my phone and call him. I still haven’t mustered the strength to delete his contact details. All I can do is pray for grace as I begin my new walk in God’s forgiveness. I love him so much but I want to love Jesus more.
Quinetta
I thought I was alone, I have been struggling with myself I been seeing a married man, he said is wife is sick and will not recover but I can not live with the shame anymore. I love God and I know he has something better for me. I don’t want to live in sin.
Octavia
Was dating a married man, we just broke up a month back. He called it off because I couldn’t be with him at the time he wanted me, was with my boyfriend by than. He called me the following day and told me he cant do it anymore, I must go sort out my issues and than after come back to him “confused right there”, told me he was protecting himself from doin sumthing bad to the other partner I had meaning my boyfriend. My heart does not want to let him go, don’t know whether it’s the love I have for him but I just keep praying for him and a gut feeling tells me his not gone but must wait… what should I do?
Oasis Church NJ Author
Hi Octavia:
What should you do? Dating a married man is wrong. I know it’s hard, but the Lord will bless you for following His ways.