Need advice on how to break up a Christian dating relationship? A famous 50s break-up song gives us this little bit of dating advice on how to break up: “Breaking up is hard to do.” No, ya think?
Whether you are a Christian single couple in a courtship or an online dating relationship, how you break up a relationship will be emotionally painful for both of you. If you are contemplating a break up of your dating relationship, considering the following dating advice may help you avoid a wrong decision while making it as easy and painless as possible.
6 Christian dating Advice Tips on How to BreakUp and Ending a Relationship
Ask the Lord for wisdom ( see James 1:5)
As a single Christian, praying for guidance and wisdom in the matter of a breakup should be the very first course of action before making any dating decisions. You will be less likely to make a mistake if you do so.
Discuss the dating break-up possibility with family and friends
God often leads through our parents’ dating advice, even if they are not Christians. Proverbs teach that there is wisdom in using a multiplicity of counselors, so also discuss the possibility of a break up with trusted Christian friends. They may very well give you some much-needed advice that helps you make a decision or puts the relationship in a completely different light. Be sure to use these valuable resources.
Be honest, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)
Never bash your dating partner personally, which will only hurt them even more and affect their self-worth for quite some time. Do you really want to do that? Instead, tenderly explain why you feel God’s leading you to end the relationship. As you do this, remember the “Golden Rule”, and how it would feel if someone was breaking up with you.
While face-to-face conversation allows for far better closure, if that is not possible, a handwritten letter is the next best thing. A typed or emailed “Dear John” letter is seen as cold and mean.
Don’t delay the inevitable
Okay, you’ve prayed over the breakup. You’ve discussed the issues with family, minister, and friends. You know what you need to do. Delaying the obvious now will not only cause more pain for both of you but will delay the healing process. By acting now, you give the Lord opportunity to begin leading both of you to the soulmates He has in mind.
Many delay breakups because they may be using the other person until “something better” comes along. Another reason for delayed breakups is that the other person is manipulating by putting the person who wants the break up on a “guilt trip” to remain in an unhealthy dating situation.
Make a clean break
Right, this is going to be hard, but you must be strong here because it is in the best interests of both to move forward. This means after the break up there should be no face-to-face meetings (if possible), no emails, telephone calls, letters, etc. While some couples may agree to remain friends, the data suggests that in over 90% of breakups, this fails miserably, and only lengthens the healing process.
Learn from the dating experience
Use this dating experience to learn from your mistakes, and build on the future. What has the Lord taught you about yourself? What has he taught you about what you need in a husband or a wife? If you’ve sexually sinned in this relationship, remember Jesus forgives and cleanses (1 John 1:9). Finally, thank Him for the bright plans He has for you (Jer. 29:11).
Dating after a breakup of a serious relationship can be a tricky experience for any single, Christian or not. Self esteem issues, rejection, and the ever lurking possibility of rebound relationships are things singles need to be cognizant of after reentering the dating world after a breakup. Dating a friend’s ex is a particularly dangerous thing that should be avoided.
Do you think you are ready for dating after a breakup? Most experts in the field suggest daters wait at least a year after they break up, whether you’re thinking about dating after a divorce or coming out of a dating relationship that lasted for more than 1 year. Consider the following questions as you ponder if you are ready for dating after a breakup.
DATING AFTER A BREAKUP TIPS
- Do you hold bitterness or an unforgiving spirit toward your ex-dating partner?
- Were you sexually active during your relationship?
- Do you have dreams of getting back with him or her?
Answering yes to any of the above means you are DEFINITELY not ready to get back into the dating market. If you feel you pass the test and are ready to date again, here are some tips:
First of all, now that you are single take some time to enjoy your freedom. Whatever you do, don’t rush to get into another relationship just because you want to be in one. You will only cause hurt feelings and broken hearts. Take some time to move on and think about what you are looking for in a relationship.
Remember to accept other people that you date for who they are. Some people look for somebody exactly like their ex and reject everyone who is different. Other people try to avoid anybody who reminds them of their ex. Just accept people for who they are and if you feel a connection, don’t be scared to enter a relationship, and do not compare people to your ex.
Don’t expect a date to end up in a long-term relationship. If you do this, you will be setting yourself up for another fall. Remember that you cannot act the same way with a new person as you did with your ex, but don’t hesitate to enjoy yourself and do the same activities that you did with your ex before the relationship became very serious.
Above all have fun. If you cannot enjoy yourself because you are still too hurt, then you should hold off on dating for a while more.
Believe it or not, instead of dating issues the topic of relationship break ups takes up most of the mail we receive at Christian Dating Service Plus! I guess the reason for this is that relationship break ups are one of the most painful experiences to endure, right up there with unrequited love.
The fact is, relationship breakups cause lots of heartbreak, even when we know it wasn’t a healthy relationship and we probably should have dumped it a while back. Why do relationship breakups cause so much pain? It’s simple. Whenever we invest our time, money, and heart into someone it turns into major disappointment if a relationship breakup occurs.
Relationship Break Ups cause singles to grieve the loss in a number of ways:
- A relationship break up means loss of friendship
- A relationship break up involves the loss of a vision of “things that could have been”
- A relationship break up could entail loss of self esteem
Overall, no one should go through the break up of a serious relationship without help.
Are you single with dating advice to share about break ups? Feel free to comment here.
Related Posts:
Christian Dating Service
48 Comments
Tantowi
How should you handle your first relationship after a big break-up?
-Don’t compare
-Slowly but sure
-Do it differently
-Don’t make trouble
-Learn from the past
feelingflirty
Ending a relationship is never easy but the pain does go away. It goes away faster if you start dating again. You’ll find you feel better about yourself and your confidence is boosted right away.
m
what if we attend the same church?
Peter
What if we’re in the same band and attend the same church?
Hannah
Like people have written before, what if you are at the same church, club, band, whatever? Asking for a clean break completely, forever is a little impractical.
I also have no idea where you got the 90% failure rate of friendships. I would say it’s more around 50% or less, if there is some time taken at the beginning to start the healing process separately.
I would suggest you try and make a clean break and completely cut contact (as much as you can) for 1-2 months. This means personal contact between the two of you. You might want to avoid going to church or home group during this time too, but this isn’t always necessary, especially if you civily agree between the two of you that it is not necessary – you will just be civil in those situations.
After the agreed time get together, in a public space and give yourselves some closure. There might be a few questions that you might want answered, and closure is good for peace of mind. Then see if you can work on friendship from that point. If you had been together for a long time and the break up wasn’t messy they CAN become a friend. It might be a bit tricky at first, but you will adjust to them being a friend if that is something you both want. In my personal experience ALL the instances where the for desire friendship has been mutual, friendship has been achieved (it takes time! So give yourselves space and time)
Donna
What is in world is all this about being civil and “trying” to be friends after a break? Where is the love of CHRIST? Where is the AGAPE that we all strive for? If it isn’t present in a relationship, then a break is warranted. How can two walk together unless they agree? Come now people, if you are walking on eggshells or are unable to be a sister or brother in Christ to one that you once shared many of your waking hours with, what kind of a relationship did you have to begin with? It certainly wasn’t a biblical courtship. The relationships many of you speak of seem to swing more towards the carnal and not the spiritual. In biblical courtship, you weigh each other with God’s word. Not to be confused with judgment or finding faults, but you weigh them according to God’s word and His will for walk and ministry in His Kingdom.
Tricky? Since when does something that God has put together have remnants of trickery? If you are a friend to someone, there are no tricks in solidifying what God has put together.
Public space? Closure? This is all so secular? Who gave you a spirit of fear? Who gave you the need to “seek” closure? The ENEMY. Our relationships with one another should never be closed, but open to pray, one unto another. I pray for the men I have parted with and even the father of my children. I do not fear them, despise them, or wish them ill will. I love them as Christ loves me.
Be elevated in your faith and your way of thinking. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, but it is His desire for us to line ourselves up with Him and seek counsel on what to say with wisdom and on each and every step we are to make in our lives.
Isaac k. lagat
I believe if GOD has directed the breakup which would have otherwise led to marriage and it’s in accordance to his defined will, then the two can relate as friends so long as God has given them grace to do so. Breakage in courtship could be as a result of family issues, distance, culture difference and mutual agreement between the two. Thanks for this page.
David Butler Author
Thanks for the insight, Isaac. Remember, too, when the Lord closes a door on a dating relationship, it is for our protection and provision for the future.
Sandra
I was in a relationship for 4years. We have just broken up, it was very hard and painful, I am now taken a year out from dating to go back to the drawing broad and learn more about me and find out what I really want. I am also using this time to hear more from God and let the Holy Sprit guide me.
Frankie
Your advice (and the Lords guidance) was very helpful. Thank you. Your words helped me to honor God and end the relationship.
bubbles
I wonder whether anyone can advise me. I have been dating this christian guy for more than ten years and then I found out he cheated on me. He pleaded me to give our relationship another chance..my heart softend. I thought he sincerely wanted to make our relationship work, then after two year, he told me he wanted to concentrate on his career. In the meantime, in God’s grace, I found out that he still in contact with the girl he cheated on me two years ago….Can anyone tell me, how could I still take this person as friend???may be one day in God’s mercy and grace.
Mike
Ok, after 4 years of dating my girlfriend broke up with me. I have a daughter and I think this was a big issue for her. She said she didnt want to get married and other stuff blah blah blah. We attend the same church and Sunday school class. Also we live really close to each other(right beside each other). I keeping my distant and not calling her at all. Tough love is tough. I am in pain and tyring to get over it, but I wonder if shes in the same pain, but I guess it doesnt matter. I have commited it to God, but I still get emontional over this whole sistuation. I really thought she was the one. OH! we had a healty realtionship but we wanted something different, She did not want to get married with someone that had a kid. I wanted to get married. I know I know you will say “Praise the LORD, atleast I didnt marry her”, but that does not take the pain away. Any advice out there. IM not getting any younger and I know God will give me the desires of my heard. Also, I want someone that will love me and my daughter truely. I am sad, and I want it to go away. Its been 6 weeks and I have good days and bad. If you know what I mean. It has gotten so bad that I had to get a medicine for my depression. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS DEPRESSED. Anyway, time heals and my trust is in the LORD.
RHODRICK
This site has helped me ending my fun relationship which of no doudt had no future.Eve after that i”ve had sleepless night but at the moment its all gone.
Breaking up where necessary with help us see world at another angle and makes us do imformed discisions so far we dont do it just to make our mate suffer.We should always put ourself in another person”s shoes in ordrer to justify our cause,if we feel pain there is need to digest our reasons again
Dan
I have had been dating for over a year. She is an unbeliever. Recently I realised that her thoughts and mind set will conflict with GOD. She worships idols and claims to convert to christanity after she marries. Recently my parents (they are pasters) who do not know of this relationship told me that they have good christian girl and i should marry. After good thought, I decided that my GF will take me away from god but I need god and his favour therefore opted to go ahead with marriage with the christian girl. Before this I had been praying for God to show me his will, and my GF had come home and my dad advised me in front of her that I should not roam around with her as I should know that she is an unbeliever. This is when I really came to know her true feelings about things.
I am to be blamed as I have told her christian principles but never followed it my self. I have been her first boyfriend and we have been sexually active and she claims to have had a miscarriage. I am engaged and to be married in Soon.
What should I do. I don’t know what to do.
mary
Well, that is a complicated situation. If you knew she didn’t have the traits why did you continue with the relationships? Pherphs of selfish reasons, which we all have ! And how do you expect to marry if you still have this load on your back? What should of happen was ending one relationship before starting a new one. You weren’t being fair knowing that you had a desire for a christain girl yet you continued by leading this girl on with the fact that you yourself was not following what you said. How does someone take you seriously if you preach one thing and you don’t walk it? Maybe if you you preached to her and showed her the way, maybe it would be a different story. Behind a strong man stands a good woman. You can’t expect her to know the Lord if you weren’t showing her. Being engaged already with another woman makes it even harder and yes very unfair! make sure you end one relationship before starting another!
squashboy
hi, i’ve been in a relationship for four months. My girlfriend is a believer and is growing stronger in her faith. I know she’ll turn out to be a terrific woman. But my biggest question is, can two people who love God not be for each other?
I have a feeling inside that perhaps that while i see her growing in her spiritual walk, that gives me joy, but we have so many other differences (such as background, personal preferences, tastes) etc.. i know those things should be trivial because they are “worldly”, but I don’t know if i should be in this relationship or not? I have the feeling of giving it a little longer but the longer i go, the more i feel that i’m not called to be with this woman.
thoughts?
kalana
Squashboy – I think I know were you’re coming from. My relationship recently ended. And from what you wrote, I believe that’s how he felt. We’ve been in a relationship for about the same amount of time you have, since December of ’08. Before we became serious, my faith was almost gone. I haven’t been to church in years and had all these excuses for not attending. He slowly brought me back. I was born and raised Catholic and he opened me to Christian fellowship and it was amazing. From the beginning there were many differences that we had, from hobbies, our beliefs, me being a single parent and much more. But what I believe he held on to was the amount of fun and joy we had when we were together. We tried to build a relationship. The more time I spent with him, the more I fell inlove. But I always had this gut feeling that I may not have been the one for him. He recently ended our relationship and it was the worst ever… For a moment I had hatred that he continued this relationship knowing he felt this way… that he couldn’t be in a relationship (that was his reason). In the back of my mind I felt that I was a bad influence to his life, that I was making him sin and that he couldn’t be a true Christian with me. He’s never admitted to it, but I left the relationship feeling that way. I’m in pain and I guess my advice is, if you already feel like she’s not the one… It is better to end things now. Before “she” get’s serious about it. I pray for guidance and that things work out for the best….
junebug
My question is what do you do when u catch your boyfriend with another girl and the only thing he can say is “it’s over and don’t call me , just leave me alone”? I am hurt bad and don’t understand how he could just walk away without ever talking to me or just having enough decency to say “i’m sorry”. Long story short he claims to be a christian and we have been in a serious relationship atleast 5 mths. My thought about it is, maybe he is embarrassed and can’t face me b’cause he has been totally tearing me apart in this relationship just pointing out my faults and what i need to change in my life. He has at the same time encouraged me to strengthen my walk with the Lord. It has totally confused me. Don’t know now if he wuz ever really concerned for me and truly wanted to help me with getting closer to God( before we started dating i had just divorced the father of my daughter for the 2nd time and i had really gotten away from church and GOD). Obviousely, this has really tore down his witness to me, and u know i know christians r human and make mistakes too but i just don’t understand how he could not apologize at the least. I MEAN HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO CRUEL? I THOUGHT U WERE SUPPOSE TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FIRST, BEFORE YOU START DATING A NEW ONE! please, some of you guys out there help me know what to do. i have been trying to not call him or nothing but i feel like thats giving him the easy way out. i think he should atleast have to face me once in for all and explain what happened so that i may have some closure. I don’t understand how u cheat on someone that you are in a sreious relationship with and then run from them never even saying anything or atleast calling to check on them after they caught u out in public red- handed. That has got to be the coldest way to ever break up with someone and how could you sleep at night if your a christian person & you lied hurting someone u supposedly cared about without ever reaching out to them? What makes a person act sooo cowardly?HELP!
Didier
June bug Im sooooo sorry about this. Romans 5:3-5 maybe some encouragement to you. I wish that I could come over and wipe up all your tears for you, but the truth is I can’t. Only God can. I came on here to whine about some petty girl problem and I began to realize there are LOTS of people hurting and that I can’t live in agnoy, but that I have to move on. God is going to do a mighty work through you if you let him, and lean on him during all of this. See where he takes you 🙂
bubbles
Dear JuneBug, I have the similar questions like you. I have asked God for Justice caused by all these so called ‘christian’ cheaters. I feel like they are as if the wolves with sheepskins. I know that as a christian I should forgive so that it will help me to get off the hook of bitterness and hatred but I find it still very difficult to forgive.
I have read a lot of books such as Philip Yancey’s book ‘ where is God when i hurts’, Holding on to your faith even when God doesnt make sense by Dr James Dobson. I am still looking for answer. Can anyone offer any insight to all of us who had hurt so badly by all these liars and cheaters?? Please??
stella nasambu
hi, i really need some good Godly advice. this guy and i had been dating for almost three years. within those three years he managed to cheat on me with a mutual aquaintance and join the navy moving almost 3,000 miles awayi i struggled with the long distance relationship and finally broke it off because i had not forgiven him and i was stil bitter. we are still broken up but i recently gave my life to christ and forgave him. we are still good friends and although he has hinted at it i dont think i want to in a relationship with him. he really hurt me and now i just want to concentrate on God and know the plan he has for my life. how do i dissuade him and other men from pursuing a relationship with me. he has a child from an earlier relationship and i dont think that i am comfortable with that. i really just want to be left alone. there have been guys who have expressed interest in me but i just dont wnat to go down that road. is God calling me to perpetual single hood. what should i do?
Kae C.
I have advice for you Stella! I commend you being mature enough to say “You know what I care about you but I can’t BE with you.” to this guy and others! Good for you! Stick to your guns! You must seek God’s direction and if you do not sense the Lord leading you in that direction, DON’T GO. It will only cause more pain in the long run.
I read a really good “Our Daily Bread” devotional that spoke about how we as people “gain knowledge” but we don’t APPLY it to our lives to become WISDOM. For wisdom is knowledge… applied. It spoke of Solomon and how he was very, very wise but toward the end of his life he did not APPLY everything he KNEW because he ended up worshipping the gods of women (or the woman) he dated.
I believe as women we are way too thirsty after men and not thirsty enough for THE LIVING WATER, Jesus.
But, same as you, Stella, I want to be left alone. It feels great being in my apartment just me and the Lord and I am wondering if THIS is what God is calling me to? A life of singleness? I am an attractive 29 year old and I do desire to have a man of God one day I just don’t hear the LORD saying he’s the one, now that I have opened my eyes and ears. Please comment….
aubree
I too know what it’s like to be hurt by the man who claims to be for God but conducts himself in a way completely opposite of what God expects all his children to live. I was online last night spilling my secrets and pains only to be confronted with the fact that I am not the only one who has suffered in this way. I was a Christian at the time i became pregnant out of wedlock and could feel God’s and my parents’ disappointment in me…i was/am disappointed in myself because i no matter how much pressure was laid on me to have sex, i knew better. But i just couldn’t stand being lonely anymore. Now i know what i am supposed to do and should have done a long time ago…”seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and allthese other things will be added.” Anyway, God bless all of you for your strength…i can only hope to gain the same level of confidence that only the love and protection of God can give. Something else we should all remember, “if God be for us, he is more than the whole world against us.” Never really gave that much thought before…guess i should now. Have a nice day
holuminthey
thank God for this website
ta.lu.brost
I just got into a relationship 2 weeks ago, knowing the guy for only a month. We are both going to the same college, living in the same residence (which consists of 25 people, so really small) and are in all the same classes. Last night he broke up with me because he said he felt that God was telling him to. He says he still likes me but is not ready for this. We are stuck together for four years at this school. He still wants to be friends, but I know it could be awkward. I don’t want it to be awkward. I know two weeks is not a lot, but we discuss everything. This was his first relationship since he was an early teenager. I have been out of a relationship for over a year now. I was wondering if anyone had any scripture, or words of advice for me.
HJW
ta.lu.brost I know how you feel my boyfriend of just under a month broke uo with me last night with no wwarning and no real explination other than he couldn’t see us together in the future. I was happier than I had been in a long time in the relationship and he constantly said the nicest things to me. We had been to a movie the night before and it was great. We had so much fun together he even said this right before he broke my heart. I am so confused, and hurt, we are youth group leaders together and we go to the same church so there is no real way to avoid him I won’t be going to bible study with him anymore but I will still see him atleast twice a week. I am not mad at him just confused and hurt.
Jodi
Dear tu.lu.brost,
That does sound a little uncomfortable. The best news is that it was only two weeks. Better now than if you had gotten further into the relationship.
Even though you are in close quarters, with 25 people that may be a blessing since you will both blend into the crowd and avoid awkward moments.
If you haven’t gone too far into the relationship than maybe you will find that you can share a genuine friendship and have the benefit of already established a connection.
God Bless,
Jodi
Confused Girl
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. He is my first and I’m his first. We went through college together and have both just graduated. He’s found a job with a great company, whereas I’ve been unemployed for a full year. I was given this great opportunity of a year off work to just really discover myself. I travelled, I went places, met people, and came to realise my dreams and ambitions. He complains about my dreams stopping us from growing in a relationship together, which is true, but he doesn’t have ambition. Yes, I sound superficial. But I have struggled with sticking by him through this year while he is happy at work, and I am miserable here. I know my dreams have to be pursued overseas. I realise our goals and direction are different. We both want to be in different places and want different things. He treats me like a princess. He has invested so much in this relationship. I can tell he truly loves me. So then, how do I know if we’re compatible?
I have lived by the “dating- rules” and committed myself at a young age to this guy. I am starting to find that I really wish I had waited till I was older. Perhaps when I’ve found myself in my profession, or when I have more clarity about life and vision for a future. We’ve both grown older, our ideas have changed. We are both Christians that met in the same youth group (we go to different churches now due to family).
I’m confused about breaking it off. I know he still loves me so much, and I feel absolutely horrible for even thinking like this. I’ve convinved myself so many times to just keep giving it a go. But the longer it drags out, the more we both realise how we thik differently. I just feel terrible and don’t want to break it off because of how he feels for me.
How do I get clarity on this matter?
jane
In regard to dating advice, confused girl,
I can relate with you in so many different ways although i’m much younger still in college. I was in a relationship with this guy that i loved very much He too treated me like a princess. However, after him going through difficult situations, he didn’t feel the love in the relationship anymore. He said he did not love me anymore. And its so painful, i tried my best to salvage the relatonnship but it wasn’t gonna work. So many different things went wrong right from the start, I felt somehow similar at the start of the relationship, i forced myself to just ignore it and think that it was normal. Months later, it worsened, and he felt the same way. after struggling for a really long time, he told me he just couldn’t keep struggling with us anymore. It hurts so much and im still hurting but i know God has a better plan for me. I felt like God showed me in so many different ways that my ex boyfriend was not meant for me but i ignored it. Now its even harder. Either way( long or short relationships) they do hurt. I would advise you to take time off and pray about this. Listen to what God wants you to do. Read the bible and pray. Ask God for a sign, He is faithful. He will show you. In some relationships people have problems and sometimes different interests and only submitting to God and praying would you know how to handle it. Working through problems in dating relationships especially if God wills is very important. Working through a relationship that was never meant to be sooner or later will end anyways.. I pray that God may give you wisdom to decide.
Take care, know that you are not alone.
Robert
Hello everyone…I REALLY need you all to weigh in and help me. I had a 3.5 year relationship with an amazingly beautiful woman. As a backdrop, she had been divorced twice (1st marriage when very young) and after a bad experience with her last ex told me that she “never had intentions of marrying again..ever.” I wanted to let you know that during her struggles she was saved and I very much respected that. A couple months ago some stressors hit her life and she suddenly broke off our relationship saying that she wanted to reestablish a relationship with God. Again..I respected that side of it. It was furthered by her statement that she lost her way…fell off her path and since she had decided never to marry again, that us having sexual relations was in direct conflict with all that she had embraced with God and could no longer “offer all that I sought in a relationship.” I was hit hard and dumb founded and for the last couple months have been an absolute wreck. I have never been a deeply spiritual being but have tried very hard to understand and read more and more to get a feel for all that she said and feels. My heart is absolutely broken and so alone. Thanksgiving was so painful and now here we are at Christmas time and I am alone and remain crushed. She said that “something broke” within her and she dropped to her knees in regret. I DO believe her but I am left in the wake of this breakup and truly don’t know what to do. Please offer your thoughts and advice. *A pastor has guided me through the beginnings of this dreadful pain and felt it best to remain totally silent now and let her be alone to experience her emotions and thoughts. There has been 2 weeks of total silence and no communication of any sort…feels like two years. Was this smart of me to do as well? I ache so much* Thanks for all of your offerings here…Robert
Ivy
Robert,
It is really odd, I posted to another Robert earlier and I know how you feel. I feel very lost, empty, confused, lonely. I am crushed over my recent ex husband who after three weeks now wants to be with me. It is not fair I love him and I cry horribly once I get away from him. I am also still grieving the loss of my mother who died the day after my birthday this past July. It almost feels like I am feeling all my grief in my sleep and since Thanksgiving I can’t sleep and I break down in tears and I wonder when God is going to bring that man of God into my life. So I can share my life, my love, my fear and my sadness. I have no idea why I am even on this site or the ones i pulled up. Just that maybe by the grace of God I will be sustained.
Robert
Hello Ivy….Even after all this time (been since mid September) I find myself still lost and broken in many, many ways. I share ALL of your emotions and some. Danielle had always been very religious/spiritual and had been saved and I am curious what your thoughts may be about what I spoke of above. It is odd but in my eyes, we were actually a stronger, more viable couple at the same time when this breakup came out of the blue. She felt that she was betraying God by not living according to His word and I understood it and said that I would “do anything” inclusive of starting from scratch to become stronger together under God. I was never given that chance and now some three plus months later there are pieces of my heart that remain crushed and broken. Ivy, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother too. I lost both parents when I was relatively young and have lacked a solid sounding board since. I feel at ease in finding this site and someone like you who feels the same pains…praying to get through it. I feel your pain here…Robert
kiki
I have been trying to break up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years for the past year now. All the times I tried, he got angry and upset with me and accused me of being mean and selfish. So over the past year, I have found myself going back to him several times. I tried to not see him and told him to stop contacting me but he still tried to call me on several occasions. Recently he was going through some personal problems and I felt sorry for him so I would see him and encourage him, pray with him. This brought us back together again and I felt guilty as I felt I should just leave the relationship once and for all. He has begged me to give him another chance and has even asked me to marry him but I said no. I find it hard to say no to him and tomorrow him and I are going to the movies. I just need advice on how to let go completely as I feel the relationship is not right. We started dating when I was at University and he was working full time. He is much older than me so when I finished uni, I found that we didnt really think the same and my thinking and priorities changed. He has been married before and has a 10 year old son. I have told him how I feel several times but he keeps saying he doesnt understand why I dont love him anymore and that I should try and try to love him again!Thanks for the advice.
manda
Hi, I need some advice, I’m not a Christian, I’ve been trying to find God for the last 7 or 8 months because my boyfriend is a Christian and is growing more and more in his faith, he wants to train to be a vicar as he thinks this is his calling. I have known him for 8 years, been together for a year and a half. We practice Christainity, we pray, read the bible and have a good christian relationship. He knows I’m not yet a Christian even though I want it, but I just don’t believe yet. I support him fully with Christainity which is why im exploring it.
He is such a loving person and we have a great relationship, but when I feel like exploring it for him. I didn’t go to Church last night and he was really upset saying that I’ll never know him and his love properly if I don’t know God. But on the other hand hes frustrated because he loves me and wants to accept me the way that I am as he wants a future with me. I want a future with hiim but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t go on as I feel like I’m living a lie because I haven’t found God and I’ve really tried.
Do I end the relationship, or do I keep going ?
Diana
lol.I’m sorry but when you really seek God,you’ll find him,trust me,I Know! Your heart just isn’t in it & you have not fully surrendered,but if I were you,& felt like you,I wouldn’t put this man through it.I would let him go,& if your love is real for this man,you would do that. When he grows in the Lord,he will do whats right & let you go so no matter what the enemy or anyone does,he will see clearly that non christians have to go!
InnerLife
KIKI: Like every and anyone else, I can’t say that I exactly understand what you are going through but I can say that I’ve been in a very similar situation and only very recently have I been able to get out of it. The truth of what is happening is your relationship is this (though brutal of a truth this might be): there is clear evidence of emotional abuse. As a man, I can sympathize with his intentions in that there is a deeply intense fear of abandonment and loneliness, coupled with the fear of confronting the pain of being hurt by someone he trusts; however, these intense emotions aren’t being handled in a godly way and are very selfish. If you do, in fact, care for him, perhaps cutting ties suddenly and so abruptly wouldn’t be healthy for either of you. Instead, what do you think of getting plugged in to a church together and getting some Bible-based Pastoral Counseling? You could be the segway for Christ to really turn a new leaf in his heart as he is introduced to the restoration, security, and peace of the Gospel. In this way, not only is the problem of your relationship solved but the issue with him as a man, as a potential husband, and as a father are refined by the cross of Christ.
As for yourself, remember this: “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10-1 NIV) In other words, I think this entire experience can be used to counsel others, prepare yourself for the man God has ordained for you to marry (or perhaps this is indeed the man but God is still working on him, through you, to prepare him not only to be a Christ-like husband but a better father as well), and lastly, I think this experience can be used to reveal how God’s grace in Jesus Christ is so amazing, especially in the midst of our human weaknesses and failures — having said that, I think the Biblical way of loving is not to love the individual, but to seek to love Christ through that individual. C.S. Lewis says that the command to love our neighbors like ourselves isn’t to unconditionally love others; instead, it means to love others the same way we love ourselves in that we often hate and despise what we do but in the end, we still love ourselves enough to care and attend to ourselves. So, in some sense, the only way to truly love someone is to allow Christ’s love in us to overflow onto that person and let that person encounter the love of Christ through our words, deeds, and actions.
I hope this didn’t come off as pretentious — I really do sympathize with you as my heart was recently ripped to its inner core and the bones of my spirit crushed by a woman who claimed to be a Christian but was everything but as I only recently discovered she had abused me emotionally and psychologically for the last year of our relationship (one of four total years) while lying to me about a great deal of her commitment and loyalty to me. But recently I conjured enough bravery to end the relationship as best I could knowing that the wife who awaits me in God’s plan and the mother of my someday children would want me to protect her heart and get as far away from her as possible. All in all, God bless and “Do not be anxious [or worried or discouraged] about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving [and joy from reflecting on God’s grace through Christ], present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)
InnerLife
ROBERT: I’m sure by now your heart has healed by hopefully it hasn’t simply buried the feelings beneath a heap of distractions and momentary reliefs. Even though you might consider yourself to be not very spiritual, that doesn’t discount the fact that, according to the Bible, you are indeed spiritual — very spiritual. And therefore, even now, I’m sure there is still a linger of pain from your experiences but hopefully you will find that the only solution to renew your heart and bring peace to your mind is something spiritual — or someone spiritual, rather, who died on the cross to not make your and my life easy and without pain, but to make our painful and difficult life a life of hope and purpose, knowing that the pains of this life are not contributions to a meaningless existence but evidence that there is indeed a God-shaped hole in the center of our beings. God bless and I do hope you’ve found healing in the arms of the Lord and in the shadow of His wings.
Lost Guy
Hi, I am currently in a relationship where we’ve talked about not wanting to break up. We’ve been dating for about 4 months now and I truly do like the girl alot. However, she mentions part of her feels God is asking her to move back home (3 hrs drive away) after she finishes school in 5 months. I am extablished where I am and cannot move as I just bought a house. I really do like this girl and we have a great time together, however, there is definitely a strain in our relationship lately due to her confusion. We’ve had the conversation and have decided not to break up. My question is, can anyone give me advice to pray properly without being self-seeking? Don’t get me wrong, I would love to continue our relationship if God is willing for us to, however, I don’t want to be against God’s will if she truly feels its his will for her to move home. Any advice on what to do?
Robert
INNER LIFE: It is Robert again and I sooooo wish I felt better about losing Danielle…8 months ago now. She was married very young, and then later in life but was divorced again. I made mistakes in our relationship, as did she, but in September 09′ when she said that the “breakup was best because she was a Christian who wandered away from God” and in that, she said that she “would never marry again,” thus our intimacies outside of marriage could not exist. I have been heart broken since and cannot seem to get over her or this whole situation. I can ‘understand’ that she sought to regain a relationship with God but I too was willing to walk any path at any speed because of the love in my heart for her. Here it is April and I still am dreadfully lost. If I try to express emotions of “missing her” and being so hurt she begs me to stop saying that and said “that is something I cannot help you with. This break was for the best Robert.” What to do…workouts in the gym..write, read and yet you come home alone to face the night and mornings without someone you love dearly. No Inner Life..I am NOT so fine these days and so want to feel better. *By the way I have very much turned to spiritual/religious writings and read many many words about others going through this. I get it but tell that to the immense hole and darkness in my heart* Thanks for your warm, kind words…Robert
RollÝ
I just discovered my fiance’s unfaithfulness, suspicious calls, text messages and evidence that he’s sleeping around.I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Please help…
gheekay
I bought a manual called save a breakup system from http://www.saveabreakup.com and I gotta admit it helped me a lot, this manual teaches you tricks how to get your ex back, how to heal a broken heart, and how to breakup if you want to..I love it and it works great.
Karin
I don’t know what’s harder, doing the breaking up or being broken up with. this is the second time i’ve broken up with an unbeliever; you think I’d know better than to date one in the first place. he said he believed in God, Jesus, heaven and hell, but he didn’t understand salvation. romantic feelings developed and after a month and a half, a little of the difference started to hit me. he was pissed about something and he kept saying “God damnit!” which killed me every time he said it, until i got really pissed he kept on. of course he doesn’t understand, it’s just a word to him. but that’s a huge difference. I told him i don’t use your mom’s name as a curse word! he got mad. anyways, it’s over, and i feel like such a jackhole for letting it go beyond friends in the first place. he hates me and i didn’t do the cause any justice, i just hope i did not do any irreconcilable damage. if he wants to start going to church he should go on his own.
Grace
Well,l need your advise guys.l am a young christain girl still in university but l got into a relationship with a non believer,not totally a non believer but hes not so serious about christainity he prays at home so he says.Well my problem lies here,the guy is three years younger than me and l dont feel very comfortable and besides he is not wat l was praying for.he is so much into me i.e he loves me but l dont lyc the fact that he drinks, he young and nt so christain.he doesnt want to breaj up.l told him l got into this relationship without consulting therefore l want out and if its Gods will we will get back but hes refusing.hes saying that GOD WILL show us as we go along…help..what should l do.its been a year now.
Gideon
There is no easy way to have a break up especially for born again christians. You should not stay in unhealthy relationship that is harmful to you spiritually or any other way.
Even as difficult as it is to hurt the other person through a break up, seek after God’s will first.
As long as he/she is a non-believer, the bible is clear that we should not be unequally yolked with them.
Pray for wisdom when you find yourself in such a situation.
olusegun
hello sir/ma,
i need a godly advice about present situation in my courtship..the very first time my fiance visited us infact it was a wonderful expirience for her.Bt on second visit,as a female she woke up early to takecare of the house and she was sweeping the outside floor she begged to help her get a parker which i did.minutes later when we’re about going my mum now have to ironically pointed it that she dose’nt have the right to send me an erand and ever since then she kept these word within her and she it look likes a betrayer before.now send me a text that whenever she tries to see us together she’s alwaz7 afra4d of my mum.please what can i do?
Jesus
Reading all these comments is so funny. Only after leaving the church and the controlling religion that cursed my life have I been able to see how stupid I was believing all this fairy tale nonsense. Plenty of good messages in the bible no argument there, but humanity’s progress is being held back by those with religious faith. Tis post will obviously offend all of you but with certain futility I ask you all to consider the reality of your beliefs (oh wait your god put in a handy clause where he punishes you if you question him, and don’t make the I have faith and respect argument cus I’m not coming back to read the responses)
ObedientServant86
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one in the situation where it is absolutely crucial to keep God first before any other relationship. My situation is a bit confusing and frustrating…I was supposed to be married this August…I saw God’s favor pouring down on all the things I wished my wedding could be and it was just too good to be true. My fiance, recently ex-fiance, became a Christian approx 2 yrs ago. He’s a great guy! I call him a turtle because he is so hard to get out of hiding. We both came from cruel backgrounds as I was a stripper and he was a drug dealer. I had always known God but 2 yrs ago God showed me how jealous He was for me and in turn I completely transformed…AMEN! My ex at the time didn’t like the changes I made-no sex, no partying, no sleeping in the same bed….and he felt we were room mates instead so we broke it off…the past summer we were both single and he in turn started to come with slow progression to church. He has been amazingly blessed by God and he knows that but he is so stubborn that he can’t get over the selfishness in his life. Anyways, we got back together because he was making improvements on his character and God was speaking to me at the time so I felt like the right thing to do was to get back with him. I did, we didn’t live together, we were celibate for a good majority of the time, and we went through pre-marital counseling through our church. Then J hit rock bottom, no money, no apartment, no job and he felt alone and said he lost faith. He started drinking wine every night before bed and smoking weed again and also looking at pornography. I intended to fight for him…but my gut instinct said to let him go. I am so sad and confused as well as excited because I’m excited to see what my Father in Heaven has in store for me. We are still friends at the moment since the breakup is so fresh. I have been growing and learning, yearning to connect with God on a deeper level, and J is stuck in between a rock where he won’t budge. I don’t want to try to fix him anymore because I’m learning that is no longer my responsibility…I just know he is sooo close and I long for the passion and fire that burns in me to continue thriving in him. This sucks, especially when, as a Christian, we are so passionate to share and love and feel loved, and yet we push people away by our passion instead. God bless to all of you.
Darin
So why does the writer not speak of praying diligently for God’s will before starting the relationship therefor “brokenness” will be a lot less likely.
God is not going to lead you out of a relationship He lead you in to.
It’s incredible to see ‘Christians” who speak of ending relationships as they clearly don’t understand what a bitter heart does and the spiritual bondage a bitter and unforgiving heart brings along with a heart of indifference.
God doesn’t have a different set of relationship applications for dating. Does not the ministry of reconciliation apply to dating relationships?
It’s critical that this so called “mistake” of dating the wrong person never happens in the first place. In fact, the act of “dating” is a worldly act that only teaches us how to end relationships and thus how to divorce when we do eventually marry.