Dating after divorce for Christian single men and women is wrought with theological and emotional minefields. So before discussing dating tips for the newly divorced, let us express our simple views on what we feel the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage. A future article will discuss this in depth.
The bottom line is God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16), and desires couples to reconcile if at all possible. However, under certain circumstances where there has been unrepentant infidelity, the offended party may divorce and remarry. Of course, no one remarries without first going through a dating or courtship process.
Finally, we believe dating after divorce should never be an end in itself, but should be part of a process that leads toward a lifelong commitment to marriage. Okay, ready to talk about some dating tips?
Dating After Divorce Tips
Take it Slow
Hello? You’ve just experienced the death of a relationship that you thought would last forever. You NEED time to grieve and heal. What we teach folks in Family Divorce Court classes is that they should do their best to avoid a dating after-divorce relationship for at least one year after their divorce. Why?
Because you need to reacquaint yourself with who you are as a single person. For so long you may have thought in terms of “us”, but you are now alone. It’s a time for soul searching, taking stock of what went wrong, and seeking the Lord for a new direction in your life (Proverbs 3:5,6).
Not dating during this period of adjustment will save you from making stupid, impulsive mistakes. Remember, whether you admit it or not, you are in a vulnerable, needy state, and your self-esteem has taken a beating. You could be taken advantage of during this time, and your heart could be further broken.
Even though you may be doubting your appeal to the opposite sex at this time, getting into rebound relationships will only delay your healing process. That’s a fact. Furthermore, statistics show that the vast majority of people who date shortly after a separation and/or divorce have a difficult time remaining sexually pure, make regrettable moral choices, and tend to repeat prior relationship mistakes.
When you are finally ready to date again, you may want to consider the benefits of online dating. By starting online, you can proceed at your own pace in the safety of your own home.
Think of your children first
If you have children, the very worst thing you could inflict upon them is dating before you and they have properly healed and acclimated to a new way of life. Most kids dream about mommy and daddy getting back together again. That’s why they need time to face reality. When the time does come to introduce the children to your dating partner, this article on single parents dating and their kids may help.
Join a support group
There are many Christian singles groups specifically designed for the newly divorced, whether they have children or not. These can be a wonderful help to you and your family. Groups like DivorceCare.com meet all over the world and offer emotional and spiritual support. Here you can also meet people in your area who are struggling with similar dating issues.
If you are a single divorcee or Christian with views to share on dating after divorce, please help other singles by voicing your comments.
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14 Comments
Bill
Your statement:
“under certain circumstances where there has been unrepentant infidelity, the offended party may divorce and remarry”
raises many issues. Can you recommend further resources to explore in more depth?
Divorcee
Someone to share intimacy with is a human biological necessity. Just make sure you are already ready for it so that you will not be taken advantage of.
Divorce not final yet
Dating after divorce? I am going through the process now and i say to anyone divorcing pray for your ex and yourself so that you may both be healed yes you feel torn,distroyed,hurt,discouraged etc You have to remember God through prayer can bring you to a place of peace and restoration.I will continue to pray for my ex and others going through.Be blessed
Jossy
Actual divorce is one of the painful experience a couple can have.
Some people even killed themself because they can not live to face the circumstances that is the reason God Himself hates it because it shatters the spirit,Divides the soul and Destroys the body of the party involve.
But if happens all we can do is to get back to God,He knows where things went wrong ofcourse everything lays bare before Him including the broken marriage.I believe He knows Yea.He knows and Him alone can make it good if He desires.And He knows how to heal our brokeness.So all we need is to confide on God He can .Thnks God bless u
Myrna
Hi am separated and soon to be divorced. I have 2 wonderful kids 10 & 12years old, a boy and girl. They are struggling because they also would like us to be reunited but it is impossible. Their dad has decided he wants the single life and I’ve prayed about it but he will not change his mind. He is blind to the fact that he has torn our family apart. He has always been a self-centered person and I’ve probably known all along that this would occur but I wanted to keep my family intact. After a healing period I do want to love again and be in a loving committed relationship and show my children how remarkable and gratifying it could be and how wonderful to be able to share that with them. Unfortunately their dad has thought it would be beneficial to separate himself from them as well.
beaner
Regarding dating after divorce, I wasn’t expecting to be ever in this situation. But I am. Life does go on. One thing has help me, is not to feel sorry for myself. Trust in the promises of God. He doesn’t leave you. He knows the hurt and pain that goes along with divorce. Take time to heal. Don’t give up. There someone out there you will want to live the rest of his/her life with you. We are made for marriage and we need intimate companionship which bring fulfillment to the life we live. Hope this little note give you comfort and encouragement. blessings
Edith Noriega
I am also divorced and think these things happen for a reason. I was a non-believer and was married to one. After 10 yrs of marriage our marriage failed because of Adultery on his part. After the divorce my life felt empty like there was no hope nothing to live for. Until one day my sister invited me to Church she was a Christian before I was. So I thought sure I will go this time and I won’t go back well needless to say I never stopped going to Church from that day on and I’ve been saved by the Grace of God and now I am a Christian it took 37 yrs for me to get saved I realized God has a plan for us and makes us go through trials and tribulations for a reason and he also put it in my heart it I wouldn’t of gotten a divorce I would have never gotten saved. So I say to you I would much rather loose a husband then loose my salvation a man can’t get you saved, but our LORD JESUS CHRIST can. I thank the LORD everyday for making me go through what I went through so I can finally get to know him on a more personal level and let me tell you the LORD has been faithful. Remember Vengeance is mine the LORD says it sure is ask my ex-husband he has shown me and has been so faithful in his words. So I encourage you to think of all the hard times you are going through and just remember GOD has something better for you in your life. So I thank the LORD for saving me from my sins and for being such a merciful father with us his sinning children. Thank you JESUS for being my LORD and SAVIOR. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
wendy
Dear friends! Thank you so much for sharing! It has inspired me to share my experience, too. When I, as a Christian had todivorce 4 and a half years ago from my christian ex husband, I was totally devastated. He left me in a very cruel and traumatic manner, which I resented. But still I loved him, so I prayed for us to get together. That never happened. After my extreme grief, I felt dead, so even suicide didn’t make sense. I was already dead inside. During all this pain God never left me. Some people did and there was a lot to forgive. The forgiving process started very soon, otherwise I would have tried to avenge. The pain was so extreme, that I could not think properly. So God took me inti His arms of love, and told me: “You will forgive him today”, so I did. This was a few weeks after he mooved from what was supposed to be our home. And ever since I have prayed for him. Blessings, restitution, love, godlyness, everything. It healed me more then I could have dreamed of. It was like a huge baggage going off with every little prayer. For years I was scared for relationships. Some days I just kept saying “I forgive. I forgive” and I named everything I forgave him for. Now after all these years, I still do that, when I remember something that hurts me, but it’s very seldom now.
My advice to you: FORGIVE. It will set you free and God will take care of the rest. I am dating a very sweet man now, but I do not pretend to even kiss him for a long time. My heart is very awaken and wise up, since I do want the man God has for me. His way is perfect (even though neither my husband to be, nor I am). God can use perfectly imperfect people, restitute, heal and lead into a good marriage!
It has taken me so many years to finally begint o date, because I thought I was not supposed to. Even though my ex husband wanted me back after 6 months, I could not trust him anymore. My forgiveness wasn’t finished at all by then. So I clearly let him know that it was too late. Specifically I saw his character was still shalow, so I felt unsafe with him.
After years, wat made me open up for christian dating was reading I Corinthians 7. The whole passage about marriage or singlehood (=not marriage, as in ministry for the Lord). There are so many persons in this passage: men, ladies, husbands, wives, and “virgins”. In prayer I felt, that the healing process the Lord had started in me, was producing the state of “virginity” in my life. So, as a virgin I may marry. I want to and I believe I will, in Christ!
By the way, isn’t it interesting that the words of marriage in Ephesians 5: 22-33 are right before the chapter of Spiritual warfare? This is no coincidence, I believe. The evil one is delibeartely destroying marriages and the best way of stopping it is by marrying the one God has for us! Seek FIRST His Kingdom! (Not your hormones, not your lust, not your self, not your ego, not your instinct, not your will, not your plan, not your own idea).
In Christ alone,
Sister Wendy of God´s grace
Katy
Thank-you for sharing your experiences.
I am in the process if divorce, after my husband left me for another woman 16 months ago. He tried to blame my faith as a reason for him leaving – I am Christian and was raised in a very loving Christian family – he is very much an athiest.
We were married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children. Our marriage was a civil ceremony and I have never been comfortable with not being married in church and in the eyes of God. All through our marraige I prayed hard that he would see the light, and would find faith. Though this hasn’t happened, I still pray for him.
Recently I met a man at our church and we have developed a relationship over the past few months. My children already knew him as we have many mutual friends at church, and this has made bringing him in to our family life much easier. It is wonderfu to share closeness again, but especially so with someone who shares my faith. I firmly believe tht God has a divine plan for us all, we may fight it and think we know beter, but everything works for good in the end.
We both have reservations about me still being ‘married’ in the view of the state, but as we didn’t have a church wedding I have never felt married in the eyes of God. I have discussed this at length with family members and they all feel that this is a good and beneficial relationship for me to enter into.
There is a minefield of biblical advice for divorcees – as a wife betrayed by daultery I am free to remarry, but there is little advice to guide those still maried but seperated. All I know is that my current relationship makes me and my children very happy – and I hope the Lord can rejoice in the happiness of his children after such a period of sadness.
John Stoll
It was interesting to read the encouraging words from those previous submissions and was still concerned by some.
I have been married and divorced twice. The first time I married at 19, she had a son already and we then had one together, we were married for about 19 yrs. In less than a year after the divorce I met and married my second wife which lasted 8 yrs, without children. I was probably more devastated by the second one than by the first one. I have been single for about 8 yrs. now. For the first half or more of this time I felt so alone and almost desperate to remarry, but now could accept to live the rest of my life by myself (with my dog and horse of course).
I have researched the Biblical answer to re-marriage after divorce and felt that one should not re-marry. Yet there is still something that says it could be right. I have prayed for many things during this last 8 yrs, let me reunite with #2, let me find someone new that is right, let me accept living alone, to let your (god’s) will be done within me, and help me to be able to fully forgive all necessary, even myself.
I have dated some, not all Christian, but regardless they all seem to want to advance too fast into a full fledged relationship. Something 24/7, something between the sheets, something more than should happen prior to taking it slow enough to know the other and see if it is truly in God’s plan. Needless to say The one’s I have dated have been merely quick relationships, mainly because I want something solid and not superficial. I am not saying it is their fault for I know that is unimportant, or maybe I am just a big old chicken. Also knowing I want something solid I am still the one having a hard time controlling my hormones or worldly nature or whatever you want to call it. In the end I end the situation either prior to or after because of guilt or realizing that this is not a relationship in favor of a solid Christian marriage.
What I am learning is that I need to have faith in God, God will provide (if it is His will), pray, but most of all control the lust when first meeting, be completely honest (at least as honest as we are capable) as to wanting a slow moving, Christian based relationship, dependant first on God, and then marriage prior to any carnal activity. I may have to be alone the rest of my life because I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. 🙂
Advice: Prior to divorce make certain that it is not reconcilable, honestly try to salvage the relationship, if impossible then learn to be forgiving to all (self included). Take all things to God in prayer and listen quietly for direction. Seek solace in the Word and Truth in His love and leadership. Seek earthly help with a trusted and Christian based person if necessary (be aware of those that may lead you astray! Always test advice given with the Word within the Bible). Definitely give yourself ample time for recovery (there is no set time frame here, a year for some and maybe twenty). Get over your loss through natural greiving backed with honest prayer, find out who you are and understand why you are special in the sight of the Lord. Don’t allow your desperation to rule when you start to date again and when you do stop to listen, watch, and learn about the new partner (objectively) prior to going the next step or distance. Lot’s of wolves in sheep clothing out there.
I had the chance to reconcile with my first ex, prior to engaging with another, and on second thought maybe I should have given her another chance. The Bible says we are to reconcile with them if they repent (understand what this means too, they are not only sorry and are wanting to reconcile but that they are truly willing to stop the previous behavior). Should I have then? Quite possibly, but I was given a strength within then that I hadn’t had previously with her and told her very gently and firmly, no). Perhaps God had filled me with this strength, if so then I need not think about this any further. (Remember Pray and then listen)
The second marriage I sought God’s word with great difficulty prior and during the dating process. This is not a good time to do this, chances are you will do as I did, pervert the message to your advantage, and loose sight of the Truth that tries to shine forth. She was based in her church’s faith and I was a recovering Christian (?) or at least I wanted to be in the right but was blinded by her youth, beauty, charisthma, and energy. I experienced a wife in her that I hadn’t had in the first round, but ultimately ended in similar fashion.
I am a slow learner, or so it would seem, so is this God’s way of teaching me what to expect in the right relationship? Or is it His way of saving me from myself? I still am not too ceertain as to the complete and accurate answer.
As Christians we should never find ourselves in divorce, we should never find ourselves dealing with worldly issues within the dating scene, we should always be sure of what God wants us to do and what He wants for us. Right? Wished it were truly that simple, eh? Just remember He wants us to seek a relationship with Him. That in Him alone we can be fully satisfied. He is forgiving and loving. We still have to remember that we are sinners by nature and must always remember to be mindful of the problems we cause ourselves because of this. Repent, forgive yourself as He has done, and strive to do His will.
He wants us to come to Him, have faith in Him, He is a selfish God, and that He truly loves us. We merely have to seek Him, love Him, fear Him, trust Him, and go to Him in prayer because He will do the rest.
May you find blessing in your new life and cherish and seek what is truly important a relationship with God.
Karen b
I am curently in the process of divorce. My 4 children& I have learned to forgive. We r enjoying life again. They currently keeping a relationship with their dad. I still luv my ex but have moved on. I wish the best for him. God was there all the time. I
charles
Sometimes Dating after divorce it seems like the end of everything, but then this has brought me straight to the Cross!
My prayers go out to anyone who may be experiencing a terrible heartbreak in thier life.
Cindy
Hi I have been divorced for almost five years and I am looking for a handsome white male in my age and maybe a little bit older but still a gentleman , who knows how to treat a lady. I like to go out for dinner and I like white roses,and the gentleman must dress accordingly , in order to please me. First impressions are lasting ones. He must not be critical of me in any way shape or form . Thank you for your time.
Charles W.
Dating after divorce is hard Healing from a broken heart isn’t easy at all. With my divorce (another) still in process and failed (so far)reconcilliation efforts, sometimes the future doesn’t look so bright. But, this trajedy has also brought me straight to the Cross! And attending church half-hearted member for several years I found out the hard way what the Lord wants from those who call His name, ALL of me/you, not just the left-overs from our busy, self-centered lives!
I trust Him!