Dating a Married Man? Things You Should Know

I googled ‘christian healing after a relationship with a liar’ and your site came up. I am a christian who had been a single parent for five years. I read all the books on being single, Elisabeth Elliott, etc. I followed all the advice. Then I met this man who was ‘wonderful’. In a nutshell. I married him, moved my family across the country to be with him, and it turned out he was a manipulative, controlling liar. I ‘felt’ something was wrong, but could never put my finger on it. He had had numrous affairs on his first wife, I found him meeting with ex-girlfriends behind my back, hiding money from me, etc. He was abroad this past year and I caught him on-line dating (saying he was divorced and had only one child- we had seven between us!!).

Anyhow- listen to that voice inside. My parents loved him, my friends loved him, I was hesitant to get married, but I thought that I was just scared to get married – normally your friends can spot those losers!

Yes, these people exist. Poker faced liars who really don’t have the capacity to empathize. They play to win, they play for power, they play because they have to be pulling the wool over someone’s eyes or they don’t feel in control. Wierd- yes, make sure you run away if you meet one!!!!!

At first we were friends. I had been to his house and even met his wife a few times. Then we started to talk on the phone often. His wife started to complain about me calling so much, so he had me call him blocking my phone number. That was the first RED FLAG. Then he started complaining to me about his wife and their marriage. Suddenly, he said that they were getting a divorce. That made it okay to move our relationship forward. I never asked for proof of divorce papers filed. RED FLAG. He started to complain more and more about how she didn’t fulfill him or respect him. I wanted to make it up to him, so I started having sex with him- anywhere and everywhere, it was wild and sometimes crazy.

I had meanwhile shared my past relationship issues with him (I had been married and had children, too). In hindsight, he was feeling me out, seeing where I was vulnerable. Having been divorced already and been in bad relationships, I was prime for picking. He saw me coming and took full advantage! He knew how to reel me in, what to promise. He helped me with my kids, talking to them. He promised we would get married after the divorce. He always promised to buy me things and spend money on me and the kids, it never happened. In the beginning he promised to spend more time with me, more than the 3 or 4 hour visits every 2-3 weeks. He would stand me up so many times and always have an excuse to quiet me. RED FLAG.There was always some grand excuse, usually involving that so-called evil wife of his nd her elaborate plans to break us up (I found out that she didn’t know for a whole year that he was seeing me).

Needless to say, I waited 2 years for the so-called divorce before I got smart and left. He always had an excuse about why it was taking so long. Delay after delay. I finally asked for proof and he lied his way around that. I didn’t press it. RED FLAG. He always blamed everything on his wife, she was dragging it out for more money and fighting the settlement. Women love to hear horrible news about another woman, don’t we? I was blinded by love and greed, sticking in there believing the lies (they were so obvious and I let him explain them away when I knew better!) so that I could quit my job and work alongside him and let him take care of me. He told me about how much money he had, his fabulous job travelling all over (he never left town, I later discovered-it was a tactic to keep me from begging him to see me- to keep his wife happy he was close by), all the businesses that he owned and all of the people who worked for him were lies. I NEVER ASKED FOR PROOF! RED FLAG. He had me hating his wife, she was stopping us from being together! He told me to hang up on her if she called, that she was was crazy and ‘spying’ on him. If I would have talked to her, she would have told me (and proved, I am sure)that they were still together and that we were both being used- after she found out he was lying to her, too. She started following him to my house, he told me that she was fighting to keep him. That she was crazy. I didn’t realize that she finally knew that he was cheating with me and going home to her. I would have understood where she was coming from and sent him packing. But he told me she was the enemy. I believed it although it didn’t sound like the woman I had met. RED FLAG. If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true! It would have saved me a lot of grief. He made her out to be horrible and that he hated her, when in fact it was a ploy to keep me from talking to her. RED FLAG.

After I wasted 2 years of my life being faithful and waiting for him, I discovered it was all a lie! He was living with his wife the whole time! They went out every weekend and he started spending less and less time with me after she put pressure on him to leave me. He was telling me how much he hated her and how she didn’t live there and how much he loved me when in fact, he was going to bed with her every night! I knew better, I let him talk me out of what I saw and heard and knew in my gut to be true; I heard her voice in the background when talking to him, she would call me from their home phone, I couldn’t go to his house or call him on the home phone because of so-called surveilance or phone tapping. I couldn’t meet his family just yet, but they liked me. I met some of his friends who were in on what he was doing. I am sure they all had a laugh when they discussed how he was able to hang on to two stupid women for so long. The signs about how to spot a cheating man were all there, I had been down this road before…. But I let him talk me out of reality.

He is a sociopath/psychopath I have come to learn after reasearching. He lied every time we talked, because he was still with her. He told me about being home alone and cooking alone and going out with his buddy’s while I stayed home and waited for him to call. I could hear the music in the background. He was living a full social life with his wife while I sat at home with my kids stupidly. He crushed my spirit. I don’t want to date for a while. My instincts are not good at all. I heard that his wife eventuakky left him and that he was already dealing with a few other women that he was dealing with all along! Women, we need to rise up, smarten up and trust our instincts! Men will do what we let them do to us!

i am a christian and i know that my husband is cheating. and feels he has the right to do it. he is in the military and those kind of men don’t really care. it hurts so much and i want the Lord to teach me what to do and to continue to love him. what can i do

From a single guy’s perspective (36yo), one who has been doing the online dating thing for a while now: I think this is an issue women really need to be aware of with online dating and spotting a married man. You do need to take time, lots of time, to get to know someone. The advice given here is good, but it worries me personally (in a joking way, almost) because…

1. My last name is Smith. No, really it is!
2. Showing a woman my “house” would do very little to impress her. I live in a 1-bed apartment with no furniture (sofa, table, bed, etc). I sleep on the floor because it is comfortable. No, I’m not a cheap bum. I am rarely at home, so why waste money on stuff I will never use?
3. Because I am rarely home, I do not have a “home phone” – just a mobile phone.
4. If I post a photo, I get few responses (I’m bald and overweight). No photo in my profile means better chances of women actually taking the time to know me as a person.
5. My immediate family lives on the other side of the country. I have few friends where I live, since I just moved here.
According to the advice given in the column, there is 90% chance that I am really a married man! This is not good. :O

I met this “classic” man online and asked ALL those questions he didn’t want to answer. I asked him at least three times if he was married. For four months I gave him the benefit of the doubt even though everything inside of me was telling me the real truth. I did not want to be assumptive or pushy because of the online venue, but for my own feelings, I should have listened to my instincts. He was great looking, sweet, interesting, humorous, gentlemanly, all the things we women hope for. After the most basic of information was denied me I went to greater lengths than asking for his driver’s license to discover the truth about him. I eventually terminated the relationship, but not soon enough. I wasn’t being unintelligent, just stupidly hopeful. I wonder if I have any responsibility to expose his extramarital pursuits to his wife. I want to warn others to save them this heartache. If you see any of these classic signs, listen to your instincts and for heaven’s sake, don’t stifle the Holy Spirit. I did, and for that I suffer. Good luck Fred.

OMG! In regard to how to spot a dating a married man, I went through the EXACT thing that Carrie above did, it was too good to be true, but when I was at his house, a few things had me investigating. So luckily his sister and I had a mutual friend and he was able to get the scoop so that is how I found out. But I’m 23 and he is 29, how someone could be so cruel to not just me but their wife, and he even had me out in public. That makes me look like a town slut.

Wow! i just ended a relationship with a man I believe to be married too. I had gone through one of those dating websites and encountered one of the warning signs, which at the time didn’t seem like a warning sign, no photo posted. I just figured he’s not a gorgeous model and may not be confident about his picture. Boy was I wrong. After looking back I realize all our dates were just a few hours long, during the week and not on the weekends and he had no intergrity and would cancel plans last minute. He would claim to be in love with me from our first date, which was a red flag, but I just took it to be a compliment, however luckily I have good friends around me to help me compare stories and his odd behavior with constant texting and limited or dwindling phone calls. I even had a friend have her cop husband run a background check, however he wasn’t able to check marital status. In the end , this guy was all talk and had no integrity, no common courtesy and a bonafide liar. What amazed me was he lied right to my face 2x I had asked him about all the pertinent detail upfront, “How old are you? Are you or have you ever been married? Do you have kids?” He lied about his age and lied about having ANY kids!! He said No!! He claimed his Uncle he lived with had 2 kids. One of the other signs was deteriorating communication. I dumped his sorry butt, he wasn’t giving me the courtesy, respect or honesty I made known at the start of our short relationship. And the clincher is he professed about going to Church every Sunday and being a Christian. Well the Lord, showed me I made the right decision, because just last night, my voicemail had recording this guys conversation with his small children for 2 minutes ( I think one of his kids hit redial on his phone and as a result my voicemail pickup the activity and the kids’ calling ” dadddy, daddy”) So Sick. Sorry for the lenghty rant, however I hope my comments like the others posted on here will help other women ( or men too) become better aware of some signs to look out for. I’m just thankful to God our short relationship was exactly that and hadn’t reached the next level. God Bless and good luck single people in your search for love.

Hi my name is Cady and I am on staff at Oasis church which hosts this site.

I wanted to write a note to the ladies out there who have found themselves in this situation which one writer rightfully described as “sick,” being that this is the way it felt for you, and I am SO sorry. I know that feeling!

First of all, it may help you to google the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” NPD, or Narcissism. It will comfort you to see that there is actually a name for it, and that it really is he who has the problem, and not you. On that note, please find it in your heart to say a prayer for his poor wife, especially now that you’ve made it to the other side of this disaster, and are starting to see things a little more clearly.

Secondly, you may wonder, what is that “sick” feeling that you feel that is so horrible? Consider the fact that you were so generous in going along with his lie. You let yourself believe the very best about this person. Maybe you even knew or suspected he was married, but thought it must be so horrible for him in his marriage that he really needed you. Whatever the case, you now have to face that it was all a lie. As a Christian you know who is the father of lies. It may help you to see that your life is so important to God that the devil was really working over-time on you! As you process through the painful feelings (and please allow yourself to cry over this incredibly disappointing situation), also use this time to increase your self-awareness.

Ask yourself why it is you allowed yourself to go along with this. Were you really totally innocent? Did you perhaps make an idol out of the idea of having a relationship, or possibly getting married (as I often have)? Did you allow yourself to lose your first love (Rev. 2:4)? If any of this was true for you, this moment may symbolize not just the ending of something which seemed so wonderful, but the beginning of a new you, with a new sense of awareness, and a new dedication to God, where you are even closer than before this guy came into your life. Remember “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.(Rom. :28)”

Let me also say that if you feel some anger towards God, this is okay too. Let yourself feel that, and express it to God. He can handle it. He made you and knows you intimately. The Bible says He loved us “while we were yet sinners.” This expression toward God of sorrow and disappointment will likely also help you to draw closer to God in the long run, as He takes a part not only in your mind, but in your emotions also. And He promised to give you wisdom and understanding if you ask Him for it (Js. 1:5).

In addition to all this, it is my hope and prayer for you that you also have some wonderful Christian friends you can turn to. This can be incredibly helpful. If not, thank you for putting your trust in this site, so that we can help you.

Please let me know if I can help further. I will soon have my own email address attached to this site. Until then I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

love in Christ,
Cadyb

I came here to find answers after 2 years of being in a relationship that has gone nowhere. I met this guy online, well actually he found me. He lives cross country and after a few months of talking on the phone, he had me come visit him in January 2007. He lives in Texas, he had me stay in a motel not in, but near his town. His excuse was his house was a mess, he was fixing it up or something like that. He knew all the right things to say and do to seduce me. He said he wanted to be with me again as I did him, so I traveled down to Texas to be with him. We’ve not seen each other since, but he keeps calling me and telling me how much he still loves me and wants to be with me FOREVER, to HANG IN THERE. He tells me how complicated his life is, that he has an EX-WIFE, and when he get’s things straightened out then we will together. I’ve been hanging in there for almost 3 years now, and nothing has changed. The worst part about it is this man has been conning me out of money and favors. I have a feeling that there is no ex-wife, that she is still his wife and that he has no intentions of getting a divorce. Most likely he has other girlfriends across the country that he is decaying their minds with the same set of lies, and taking their money too. I feel sick to my stomach that my money most likely is being used to buy his wife guilt presents. There are monsters out there that are much bigger than any rat could ever be, and sad to say, I ran across one!

wow.

i didnt know people who date married men actually feel guilty about it. i lost my husband to a fellow churchmate. My husband, the other woman and myself all come from deeply christian backgrounds – or so i thought, but she still ignored the fact that they were breaking up a family and went on to marry him. it hurt a lot especially as they went on to prosper and my child and i are struggling, still with Gods grace i have forgiven totally and am moving on. has anyone experienced something like this?

Totally understand. Hazel, yes, I am glad some women who date married men feel guilt.

Great article but remember rewarded behavior is repeated.

There are ALOT of church-going women out there who justify a mans behavior and continue to date/spend time with/do things with/and apprently even sleep with him. The reality is they DONT CARE the man they’re pursuing or being pursued by is deceptive– which is why men keep it up.

The biggest reason women justify bad behavior? They want a MAN more than they want God. They want to feel needed and important, money spent on them, to feel they’re better then someone else. That’s why some even keep it up, knowing! They figure his wife must just be a bad person who deserves what she gets….right? If you have an “inkling” there’s a problem, and don’t “run from sin” its because you don’t want to. YOU ARE NOT A VICTEM! When we refuse to really examine a situation its usually because we’re benefiting from it somehow (All his affection, time, money, we’re so much better then that bad bad woman, etc). PRIDE & SELFISHNESS. PERIOD!

I was married for 19 years to a Narcissist. After we’d been dating for 2 months, I was “the One” and he proposed. I was the greatest thing and wonderful. His family seemed perfect and never seemed to have any conflict…..2 MAJOR Warning signs.

It was never a good marriage. I dealt with pornography, deceit, mental, physical and emotional abuse, unethical business behavior and constant critisism. After we had our son..it got worse! I actually thought at one point, I was crazy, while everyone thought he was a wonderful loving husband-not so. 9 years into the marriage he began attending “singles” groups at CCV a mega church in Glendale, AZ, dating to “find that right woman”. He’s good looking, charasmatic, fun & charming.

We were always involved in youth ministry together and all of his friends are “ministers” -ALL told him he wasn’t doing anything wrong to separate, date and later divorce, because “God wanted him to be happy after all”, we were separated and I wasn’t a good wife. I became the “reason” for his behavior. Matthew 7:22-24 (ESV) On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

After moving to a small NE Arizona town, he proceeded to date several “christian” (small “c”) women. Each time he would tell them I was bi-polar, violent or crazy, his parents backed him up. EVERY ONE of the women knew he was separated (WHICH MEANS MARRIED!!) had no problem spending time alone with him or going out with him or bringing him home to spend time with their KIDS!…they didn’t call it dating, just going to a dance or dinner or watching a movie with him. They felt since they were “just friends” it was okay…. “rescuing” him from a terrible wife and lonliness. Besides he’s spending money on them.

Now he and his then mistress now openly girlfriend/fiance lead worship, teach the youth, spend weekends & vacations together and are the “pillars” of their church and seem to have the perfect relationship. They appear to be prospering and so does the pastor of his church who KNEW what was going on! His “christian” parents live with him, knew he was dating her while married and pay all his bills. All his money is dedicated to lavishing on the mistress/fiance and himself.

So you ladies out there who are looking for Mr Right. Be bold. Put God first. Stop making excuses when your radar goes off! Sin is NOT an accident! Rather the result of us taking our eyes off God and justifying not the guys behavior, but rather OUR OWN!

A woman’s heart should be buried so deeply in Christ that any man that wants her must go through HIM To get to it. …Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your path straight….

It saddens me to find this website and find that so many of us have been tricked by men claiming to be single and Christian. I met a guy online. He claimed he was Christian, divorced and had 2 kids. He was generous, and I thought honest and sweet. It turns out he lied about everything, he was still married and had given me a fake name. We dated for almost 3 months, and he claimed to be in love with me, and want to marry me and have children with me. Looking back warning signs were: he never took me to his place, paid only in cash, freaked out when I wanted to meet his friends or have him meet mine, freaked out when I asked where he lived, and worked. At first I thought it was early I didn;t want to be pushy but after 2 months I started being pushy about wanting to make sure he was who he said he was and needing to see some ID, he kept putting me off until finally he confessed. I wish I had been pushier sooner it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Anyone reading this learn from my mistake put yourself and your heart first. If there are warning signs don’t be afraid to ask to see proof, if a guy has nothing to hide and really cares about you he will not hesitate to bring you into his life.

Hi I am a Christian also my spouse has been cheating for twenty five years his name is Dave and I can assure all you ladies they never change they get worse. My husband is 59 years old and still acting like a immature teenager.

You all deserve better than worrying when will I get that disease from his partner or her other ones. If I knew years ago I was going to be with pathological liar I would have run in the other direction. I have used the best years of my life in misery not a fun place to be.

I see others traveling, smiling, and living life to the fullest. All I have ever had is debt from his spending on his flings and doing without ladies. Paying all the time and no enjoyment. Run Run run if you still can. There is someone who will treat you better than a degraded individual under there regime. Hope, Faith love understanding what your needs are will help you to make a better choice.