Many fears keep women and men single and alone. Did you know that fear of being alone and single throughout life is one of the greatest fears of Christian single women and men? Paradoxically, many single women and men who yearn to get married often allow fears and phobias to keep them from entering into a relationship. Furthermore, instead of meeting the love of their lives, they end up battling feelings of loneliness and frustration.
So just what are some of the top fears single women and men face? A survey of several hundred singles revealed the following:
Top 3 Fears of Single Women and Men
Fear of Rejection
Some single women and men are scared of reaching out to singles of the opposite sex for fear of being rejected by them.
Most singles who have this kind of fear and trepidation are gentle and sweet people. Unfortunately, they often transfer their own negative feelings about themselves onto others, thinking that the person they are interested in dating feels the same way.
Everyone is a loser with this kind of fear. The other single guy or girl the fearful person is attracted to will never know it, and the single with the fear of dating will never experience what he or she is missing.
Fear of Being Vulnerable
Closely connected to the fear of rejection, some single Christians hold their feelings so close to themeselves that others can never get to truly know them. Did you ever meet someone like that? They will only let you get so close, and then they mysteriously back away. You may have had an interest in getting to know them better, but their fear of being vulnerable precludes any possibility of a meaningful relationship.
This kind of fear keeps a single person from connecting emotionally and spiritually with others. Since the ability to be vulnerable is a necessary ingredient in successful dating or marriage relationships, the person who is afraid in this area experiences many missed opportunities or shallow and short, unsatisfying relationships.
Many Christians singles who are fearful of opening up to others on a heart level come from abusive backgrounds, such as adult children of alcoholics.
Fear of Change
Many single women and men alike remain single because they fear moving out of their comfort zones by taking faith filled risks. Singles who fear change are creatures of habit, and feel safe with the “same old” ways of meeting people to date. For example, using online dating services, even if shown to be beneficial, would be a very scary experience if they never tried one before.
We all would agree that change can be a scary experience. However, single women and men who have a fear of change naturally limit themselves in the ways they can meet a mate or date.
What God Says About Fear
The Lord has an awful lot to say about fear. One of the main things that jumps out at you as you read the Scriptures is that God continually admonishes us not to fear.
For example, in a New Testament passage in Mark 5:36, Jesus encourages a father whose daughter was ill: “Don’t be fearful, just believe.” How interesting! On the one hand we have fearfulness; on the other we have belief and trust. If you really think about it, faith and fear cannot coexist. One will have to give way to the other.
Overall, if you are a single Christian woman or man struggling with fear issues that are holding you back from from meeting your soul mate, take cheer! You are definitely not alone in your fears, and there is help for you. We suggest you pray over the following suggestions:
Talk about your fears with a reputable Christian counselor, singles group pastor or trusted friend. Oftentimes, speaking about our fears with someone else brings us back to reality and gives us hope for the future. The advice they offer could also be liberating.
Let God’s word and Spirit soothe your heart and fears as you look up and meditate on what He says on the topic. Here are a few paraphrased verses to get you started:
Psalm 34:4: The Lord is able to deliver you from all your fears.
Isaiah 51:7: Do not fear the reproach of others or be terrified of their insults
Proverbs 29:25: Fear of men (whether they be single or not) is a snare.
Joshua 1:8: Don’t be afraid or discouraged because God is with you.
1John 4:18: God has a perfect love that casts out all fear.
Finally, if you are a single woman or man with further advice on the topic of fear and dating, please consider helping other singles by sharing your comments about fear.
Christian Daters Who Turn Their Dates Into Idols
Fear of Being Alone as a Single Christian
Christian Dating Service
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39 Comments
Ina McLemore
Excellent article and encouraging thoughts on the subject of fear with dating! These principles can also be applied in other areas of our Christian lives.
With your permission, I would like to post this article on our Singles church web site. It would be a great service to those struggling with such fear.
Thank you for the work well done!
Ina McLemore
David Butler Author
Thank You, Ina, for the encouraging words. You may use this Christian singles article. Please keep in touch
Marc Stevens
In these days of members the ‘pick and choose’ Christian with their values not much different from the rest of the world, I would suggest ‘fears’ of deceiption by someone or ‘temptation.’ That first in-person meeting leaves a lot of impressions, if she looks and acts like some seen on “Blind Date” or “Elimindate.” I find an old piece of advice to still be important: ‘If you want to sell (soft drinks, fruit juice, coffee, etc;) don’t advertise hard liquors.’ Author Elizabeth Elliot in her book ‘Passion and Purity’ still has some excellent ideas even if they’re from her 50-years ago courting with her missionary husband Jim. Thanks for your helpful website.
David Butler Author
Marc…Thanks for the insightful post..
Paul
Hey…it was really educational reading facts about fear, indeed i do have a feeling that most (if not all) couples before finally settling, face this challenge (from either of one them). I would really love to hear from married couples what practical steps they took to bypass this impediment.
H, Mickey Gill
That’s all well and good, I suppose. But, as Scripture says, it’s not good for man to be alone. But is it also good for a man to pay alimony through the nose, get kicked out of his house and not be allowed to see his kids? Is this the lesser of the evils. Somehow, I’m just not convinced that the risk is worth the reward.
David Butler Author
Mickey:
As a person who works in Family Court, I understand your fear feelings. But remember, if God be for you, who can be against you? If He is the center of a relationship, there is a much greater chance of success. Hang in there guys…and girls.
David
H, Mickey Gill
Hi David.
Thanks for the quick response. Here’s another question: with all that’s going on in the world, does God really worry all that much about whether or not someone stays single for life?
Regards,
Mickey
roger
What does a male do who is hiv positive,who has come out of the homosexual lifestyle,and yet knows in his heart it is not good for man too be alone,and yet fears,the prospect of going through even beginning too share with a lady all that! where does one begin? And not have too go back were he came from!
Roger
H, Mickey Gill
It seems to me that the sexes are so polarized in this day and age, and that male bashing has replaced baseball as the national pastime. It seems now that anytime a man wants to seek female companionship:
1) He gets laughed at.
2) He gets cursed at.
3) He gets sued for sexual harassment.
4) He’s automatically branded as an oppressor and sexual predator.
5) All of the above.
The end result appears to be that, on average, women tend to think of men as worthless at best, and horrible as usual.
With all the man hating vitriol that’s out there, I’ve long since given up hope that there’s a special someone out there.
It might not be good for man to be alone, but it appears to be the lesser of two evils in light of the anti male atmosphere that’s out there.
Ben
I’m new here but I would definitely agree with Mickey that women blame men for all the bad things they experience. I suspect this enables them to play the victim and cry about how persecuted they are. I don’t worry at all about the drop in marriage and birth rates and highly doubt there’s such a thing as a christian date.
Jennifer S.
I can speak for everyone when I say the reason for my fears was because I didn’t take the time to know myself while I was in these unhealthy relationships.
Donna
Dear Friends in Christ
The situations you refer to are difficult and painful. It can be difficult to accept the path God has for us especially when we want it to include marriage and children. Many years ago a very dear sister in the Lord shared this idea with. me. It changed my view of singleness by changing my perspective. Are we not blessed to be surrounded be people who love us enough to speak truth in love? Here goes: We can never know the mind of God. Yes we may glimpse from time to time what his plans are. However we do know that our God knows us from the moment of conception better than we know ourselves. Therefore we can not truly know the pain, suffering, and anguish God has spared us from by not answering our prayer for a marriage partner.
We often say God knows best but do we believe it? I can tell you that over the years I have heard my share of horror stories and I have been thankful that God has spared me.
Blessings
Donna
David
Dear singles, thanks so much for the real sharing that goes on here, May the lord bless you all as you seek to overcome your fears as a single girl or guy.
H. Mickey Gill
Question: If someone makes a conscious decision not to get into a dating or marriage relationship, can one really say it’s fear? I’m asking because, as I’ve recently mentioned, I’ve given up the fight to find that special someone because I’m not convinced that the reward is worth all the aggravation that comes with it. Thus, I humbly ask again: is this really fear?
Grace
Mickey, the only thing a person who decides for or against marriage should fear would be the one on one time they would lose in the presence of God alone. Marriage requires that you give a lot of self less time to one another. As a married woman now, I was against marriage at the time I was asked out (for the second time) by my husband, who was a friend in my church. I thought he was too good for me, which is why I ultimately rejected him a couple years before. When he asked again, I jumped at the chance. However, I was deeply loving my alone time with God and knew it would suffer if I pursued a relationship, especially when I had ended a long term relationship just 6 months prior. I was right. Within a few months (after we spent around four months developing a deeper friendship), I was head over heals for my husband, and we were married within the year. Over time, during our courtship and into our first year of marriage, I prayed less, read less, talked less, listened a whole lot less, danced and sang less in God’s presence. It was hard living away from God, but it wasn’t long before the Holy Spirit moved in me, and I started to get back on track. I’m still working on it, like always, but one thing I would like to say is that without marriage, I would have a different kind of relationship with my Father today. I can remember feeling God’s presence so much more than I ever imagined as my new husband and I committed our lives to one another, and choose everyday, no matter what, to love eachother through all the mess life brings. We are closer to eachother and with our Creator, especially when we let Christ be at the center of our lives. I don’t doubt the magnificant growth that can be achieved in a single person’s life, but as mentioned above, there are those that desire marriage. God does know the deepest desires of our heart, and just because they aren’t immediately answered, and we seem to be continually rejected, doesn’t mean that God has said “No” to our request. He is just saying “No” for now. God’s plans are more than our brains can handle, so I preferred to thank Him for his blessings, thank Him that I didn’t have to worry about such worrisome things, like finding a mate, and rest in the peace He brought me while I waited. Oh, and on that note, you don’t have to “fight” to find someone, you only have to wait for God’s go ahead to pursue the relationship. That was such a struggle for me early on and was all I could think about… If you felt the need to fight to find someone, I wonder if you could so easily give up having a blessed and holy marriage when you are still questioning after years of searching. Yes marriage can be aggravating and at times, I have felt like I can’t do it, but it is one of the best gifts God has given me and since I made a commitment to God to love and honor my husband, there is no fear of divorce, courts, lawyers, alimony, and families breaking apart for my husband or me. And if you think we are an exception, you aren’t being honest with yourself. Look around at some of the long lasting marriages in your church, in your life. It can be done. There are still godly single women and men ready for or close to being ready for marriage. If you desire, you will know when you are ready for God’s blessing, and I don’t doubt when that day comes you will be beaming from ear to ear just thinking about how God worked to get you and your future spouse together at last.
H. Mickey Gill
Grace:
I appreciate your point. However, as I’ve seen over the past 25 years, male bashing is the current popular sport. So, if one takes the position that all that is out there is the enemy camp (especially with the pervasive “all men are dogs” mentality out there), it then becomes extremely difficult (if not otherwise impossible) to believe that men and women are on the same team anymore, and that there is someone for everyone. So, being single for life to me seems to be the lesser of the evils.
H. Mickey Gill
Here’s something I find interesting: it seems that every time a women suggests she doesn’t trust men, she’s considered a heroine because she’s sticking up for herself. But, God Forbid, if a man says that he doesn’t trust women, he’s AUTOMATICALLY branded a MISOGYNIST!!! Does anyone else see this dynamic?
alisha
hey guys..
it was really great to read your thoughts and questions on the subject. im a 21 yr old female who has just gotten out of a 5 year relationship (broke up a year ago). i moved to get away from it and have become closer to the lord. except latley i have found myself lost and confused. I feel very strongly about saving my sexuality till marraige and normaly have very strong morals. i have found it really hard to meet guys and may come across very fussy, but in a humble way. i met this guy and found myself very attracted to him. i didnt realise how much of an effect my previous relationship had on me, as i started to get really scared about opening myself up to a new guy. i would drink alcohol to calm my nerves before dates or just visits. then i was starting to invite him round to stay. thank goodness he said no but i feel comletely embarrassed and shocked that i have come to this point. i really like this guy and would love a chance to show hia what im really like. but how do i let him in?? i shut down.. i would love some advice or encouragment. even prayers. as im completley on my own in this country and havnt made some strong friends yet. thanks
k
hey Alisha, I’m very scared of opening up to any man too, after many disappointing and hurtful relationships (I’m over 30). I’m praying for you, as I know how painful and scary this is. The only thing that helps me right now is to actively deepen my relationship with God by reading the Bible as much as I can, looking for sermons about the topic, praying etc. I try to rely on the Lord as much as I can in all aspects of my life, as I hope that through complete trust in Him (wanting the best for me) I can (maybe) risk a little and date someone. I feel kind of safer this way, although I’m still far from being cool about letting a man into my life… Yet I so desire to having a blessed, deep relationship with a good, decent man.
Hope it all turns out for the better for you and for me too!
Jack
As a divorced, Christian male in his late 40’s I think that what many people forget is that our world is much more complex than say 20 years ago!! In addition to this,marriage is not viewed in as high regard as it once was and I think since a divorce is so easy to obtain people take what what looks like the easy way out!! However, the damage that is done to families is really sad and lasts for years. Divorce hurts you spiritually, financially, socially and in many other ways!!! After much prayer and self-evaluation after my divorce I have elected to remain single for the time being anyway!! My prayer is that you stay close to the Lord and find that special person He has for you to marry if you are considering marriage!! God bless you!!!
ira
thanks a lot for the article…i’m a little bit shocked because the 3 main points about ‘fears’ it’s really describe me well…what i’m thinking, felling and i’m really2 act like that…until now i’m so afraid going date with someone…hiks! Jesus loves u all!!!
Johnny Bravo
I think women have a fear of me. People tell me I am very handsome and intimidating. I am sorry but God made me this way. I divorced when I was 32 from a very unfaithful woman. I am now 49. I have really tried to understand what I am supposed to do in a relationship with a woman. I have taken many classes on love and relationships. I have yet to get to use what I have learned. I am not going to a nightclub or escort service to try and get a date. And I am tired of church hopping trying to find a mate. I have made up my mind that I will be single from no on and all I can say is, you ladies have lost out on a quality man.
Nikki
I do believe I am in fear as I have been burned many times. My faith is little to none in fulfilling my dreams of being a wife and mother. I go through periods of just giving up to trying again. I have had more opportunities than I think most have had. I believe my problem is that the lines are blurry between being naive and having faith.
Junebug
I am curently dealing with a deep sadness at a very hopeful prospect not working out. We met once after meeting and (hear me girls) I discovered my makeup all yucky and greasy and runny afterwards! a first impression I will probably never get back =( . Whats more sad is how my enthusiastic dive to take excellent care of myself in order to be at my best is automatically out the window. Why is that? Do I need a man to motivate me to look my very best? How aweful a reality check! Does anyone have any words to help me through this? Also I was reading the epistles and find that there is very obvious instruction from Paul to remain as we are when God calls us; that those who are married will not only have trouble in this life (yet who doesnt really…) and most importantly that their concern will be for their husband an so not exclusively toward God. He even goes on to say that he makes this a rule in his churches!
Sripture ref: 1 Corinthians 7:1, 8. 17, 28 (NIV)
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.
28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
These are bold requests and yet I have NEVER heard them preached in services, ever! Any feedback? I am a very devoted Christian and am struggling with the very real possibility that He might not intend for me to be married– (more saddness…)
Any help to offer?
Scott
If a woman would just give a man a sign that she is interested,
the man might well approach her.There are still nice, sincere,
Christian men out there. A lot of single women do not seem to
be very friendly. With some women, it seems like that they
have their friends and that is all they want.
H. Mickey Gill
Scott: I couldn’t agree more with your point that a lot of single women are not very friendly. I would aslo throw in the terms UNAPPROACHABLE & HOSTILE!!! In light of the upcoming COMMERCIAL FRAUD KNOWN AS VALENTINE’S DAY, in which it is the wife/girlfriend’s day and God help the husband/boyfriend who screws up on that day, I have to ask: whatever happened to the noton that men and women were supposed to be helpmeets to each other?
Ariel Dawson
Hey,
It seems to me we are missing the BIGNESS of our God people! Ok so the idea that a lot of people are putting forward is that that women are men hating crazies or something. Generalising much? Would that be like saying all men are just lazy wuss’s now-a-days? It’s ridiculous to blame an entire sex for your current season of lifeand bitterness. Maybe God needs to work in you more before you can be a husband or wife because its is the second most important relationship you will have next to the one you have with God, and if you are in a place were you cant trust and accept where God has you then why would He move you onto the next season of life? And if God wants you to be vunrable and bare your heart and soul to someone …then do it! I think a LOT more faith in out God is needed here people. I’m single …im young… and iv’e been abused and im scared too but do you know what …It’s more important to me to become like christ then anything else… if that means being single or married then ill let God change and mold me into the person he created me to be.
I hope you all can look beyond your wants and needs and see the cross…thats what its all about. For those of who you try to save your life will lose it and those who hate there life will receive eternal life. (para-phrase).
Ariel
H. Mickey Gill
Ariel:
As to the notion that women tend to bash men at best, and hate them at worst, let me point you to the following:
1) There was a recent best selling book called “Are Men Necessary?”
2) There was a recent article in the Chronicle of Higher Education called “Who Needs Men?”
3) And probably the biggest insult of all, there is a website called http://www.heartlessbitchesinternational.com, It is allegedly satire, but the anti male hostility is not only encouraged, but CELEBRATED!!!
So, with male bashing being the current currency du jour, I defy you (or anyone else for that matter) to tell me why I should believe that men and women are still helpmeets for each other.
k.s.l.l.
I have to say that reading all of this is very saddening. Yes, I have been hurt too and yes I am scared too of being hurt the way I was before; however, I have taken the time to get to know me well and what it was about me that allowed me to get hurt. Sometimes it’s who we are that allows it and sometimes we are just plain deceived or last but not least we make wrong decisions, ignore the signs therefore we suffer the consequences.
I am now ready to date. I’ve met a wonderful man, but I am also scared that he will hurt me. I’ve let him know very slowly what I’ve experienced, that I have a hard time trusting anyone these days and ask that he is honest. I have let him know that I appreciate him for who he is and that if he picks up the vibe that I am scared, it’s because I am but for good reason. I told him I enjoy being with him even though it scares me a bit.
This doesn’t mean I can’t trust him. I am sharing with him my honest feelings so he knows that it will take time for me to slowly lower my wall and guard but while doing so, I will enjoy him.
He is grateful that we can be ourselves and comfortable and he is respectful of my feelings. I don’t think that just because we have been hurt means that we can’t ever trust again, but it does mean that we have to heal and allow ourselves to be vulnerable again or we will be forever single. I am learning to deal with these emotional walls in the process since they are coming out more clearly after taking a two year break to heal. Hurt takes time to heal. Be patient with yourself and Be patient with God.
As long as you take the effort to heal and become vulnerable appropriately, you will that you can become close to someone and have a healthy loving relationship.
Tanya
I`ve been so hurt and let down by men who have betrayed and been untruthful that I`d rather be single…and i celebrate this!!! 🙂
Shaw
Mickey, I am sorry you feel that way and see women as mentioned. It is difficult to know what the “world” has to say about men and what actual Christian women have to say. If you are seeking to find a Christian then reading secular documents will usually give you a bad view of women, relationships, marriage and so on. Since the view of real feminism has been tainted, some women have the “I can do it all on my own. I do not need a man.” mentality and that is not the thinking God desires for His people.
T
I noticed that no one responded to Roger, who, on March 23,
2008 wrote as follows: What does a male do who is hiv positive,who
has come out of the homosexual lifestyle,and yet knows in his heart
it is not good for man too be alone,and yet fears,the prospect of
going through even beginning too share with a lady all that! where
does one begin? And not have too go back were he came from! His
post caught my attention because just yesterday, as I sat moping
about my own singleness, it occurred to me that everyone who is not
married faces the problem of having desires that cannot be
legitimately met within the will of god unless some major change
takes place in his or her life. For the single heterosexual
Christian, it is extremely frustrating because one hungers for the
touch of a mate, but, for the time being, there is no such person
available. Having read recently that homosexual desires are not
easily removed and that many persons who sincerely turn from the
lifestyle still do not find the opposite sex attractive and still
desire relations with a person of the same sex, I was disturbed by
the fact that such desires will always be at odds with God’s will
and therefore the frustration of the born again homosexual must be
a million times greater than that of the single heterosexual
Christian, who, at the very least, can look forward to a Christian
marriage, however far away it may seem at the time. I honestly do
not know how to answer my brother (and I suspect that this is why
others refrained from commenting on the post), but my heart goes
out to him. His frustration is compounded by his HIV positive
status which he feels (with some justification, I believe) would
deter women from becoming involved with him. Perhaps we should pray
that God will give some special woman the grace to meet him where
he is and that he may find the courage to trust God with his past
as well as his future.
franko
it is very hard for me to meet a good woman today. i consider myself an average good looking straight man that wants to meet the right woman and have a wonderful relationship with her. i was married twice and have been a very good husband at the time. i go out a lot but i seem to meet all the very nasty ones. i see it happening to other men as well. these women must have been so very badly abused with the men that they were with at the time. there are also so many lesbians now more than ever before which adds to the problem as well. if i had a choice between having a lot of money or meeting the right woman for me i rather have the woman in my life because money will not cure loneliness.
W. Story
I would like to ask how someone who has a small # of friends and can’t see them very often can healthily deal with this loneliness without snapping? I am starting to get cabin fever and since I have limited transportation options and am currently being forced by my lack of college and family funds to live at home, I have few terribly original things I can do to entertain myself (I also don’t have the $$$ for a car and gas and insurance of my own). I can only do so much with a “positive outlook” or “trust in God” and I have a pretty good amount of patience usually.
H. Mickey Gill
You have women today who give an aura of being unaproachable, and wear their hatred of men like a badge of honor. Thus, you have the now current culture that men are nothing but irresponsible, liquor-swilling frat boys who can’t do anything right.
Where do I find God’s design in all this politically correct misandry?
dave
If women do the approaching ( since it is going to be THEIR choice anyway), maybe men will have more value in this. I hope so.
Andrea
Wow. I am 48, and have NEVER been in a relationship, or dated much (or had sex). And, after reading the comments on this page, I NEVER want to. How discouraging!
Onalenna Thobega
Thank you so much. This was informative. Living fearlessly is something I’ve recently embarked on. Means I’m open to taking risks just to see what’s on the other side of my fear.. and in so doing I’m always reminded of that scripture that says “I’ll have no fear of bad news” .meaning I’m open to whatever outcome & it helps me to face my fears with boldness.