Let’s face it, love is complicated enough without adding attachment theory into the mix. But when you find yourself head over heels for someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style—and they’re also a devoted Christian—you’re entering a unique adventure. Don’t worry, you’ve got God on your side (and me, your trusty cheerleader). Here’s how to navigate this path with humor, patience, and a sprinkle of divine grace
What is Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment?
For the uninitiated, dismissive-avoidant attachment is like the emotional equivalent of someone swatting away hugs. These individuals value independence above all else, avoid emotional vulnerability like it’s kale at a potluck, and generally have the relational equivalent of a “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging around their hearts.
Add faith into the equation, and you’re likely dealing with someone who believes in love deeply—just not the messy, vulnerable kind that involves, you know, feelings.
Step 1: Pray Like You’re Training for a Marathon
If you’re serious about this person, the first thing you’ll need is a strong prayer game. After all, this isn’t just a romance; it’s a mission. Pray for wisdom to understand their heart, patience to endure their quirks, and a sense of humor to laugh when they pull away for the umpteenth time.
God understands. After all, we’re all a bit avoidant in our spiritual lives sometimes, right? (Looking at you, Jonah.)
Step 2: Recognize Their “Armor”
Dismissive-avoidants are like emotional knights. They wear sturdy armor forged from independence, self-reliance, and years of avoiding vulnerability. That armor isn’t about you; it’s about their past. Maybe they grew up in an environment where emotional needs weren’t met, or they learned early on that feelings are best avoided.
Understanding this will help you stop taking their behaviors personally. Think of their emotional distance as a reflex rather than rejection.
Step 3: Speak Their Language (Hint: It’s Not Overwhelming Affection)
Love languages matter, but with dismissive-avoidants, it’s often less about grand romantic gestures and more about subtle, steady actions.
Does your beloved Christian avoid hugs but appreciate acts of service? Bake them cookies and quote Proverbs 16:24: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb.” They’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness—and the cookies. (Let’s be real, who doesn’t?)
Step 4: Don’t Chase, But Don’t Vanish Either
Here’s the trickiest balance: showing you care without being clingy. Dismissive-avoidants need space to feel safe, but if you completely back off, they might assume you’re not interested.
Picture it like fishing (biblical pun intended). You’re not casting a net to drag them in; you’re dangling a line with bait (kindness, patience, humor) and waiting for them to come closer willingly. No nets, no traps, just steady encouragement.
Step 5: Know When to Press Pause
Sometimes, loving someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style will feel like trying to hug a cactus. And, friend, you’re not called to hurt yourself in the name of love. If their avoidant tendencies make the relationship feel one-sided, it’s okay to step back and reassess. Jesus didn’t say, “Love thy neighbor and let them walk all over you.”
Step 6: Build Emotional Safety
Dismissive-avoidants thrive when they feel secure, not pressured. Be consistent in your actions, clear in your communication, and willing to give them time to process their feelings. Celebrate small victories, like the moment they finally share something personal or initiate contact. Baby steps are victories in this marathon.
Step 7: Trust God’s Timing (and Plan)
Here’s the ultimate truth: you can’t fix, save, or change someone else, no matter how much you love them. That’s God’s job. Your role is to show Christ-like love—kind, patient, and unconditional—while trusting God to work in their heart.
Romans 8:28 reminds us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” That includes your relationship. Even if it doesn’t end in marriage, trust that God is shaping you both for His greater plan.
Bonus Survival Tips
- Humor Heals: If they withdraw after you say something heartfelt, imagine them as a turtle retreating into its shell. It’s a little funny, right? Laughing will keep you sane.
- Set Boundaries: You’re not a doormat or a therapist. Know your limits, and stick to them with grace.
- Don’t Forget Self-Care: Loving someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be draining. Stay grounded by investing in your own spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being.
When All Else Fails, Turn to the Greatest Love Story of All
At the end of the day, your love for a dismissive-avoidant will only thrive if you’re rooted in God’s love for you. Spend time with Him, let Him fill your cup, and trust that His love story for you will always outshine any earthly romance.
And if this relationship doesn’t work out, remember: there’s a fish fry in heaven, and the ultimate “catch” has already been promised.
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