Low self-esteem in Christian singles is keeping them from finding a serious dating relationship. It’s really simple: If you don’t feel really good about yourself, you’re not going to think anyone else will either.
Sadly, problems with low self-esteem can not only affect our dating relationships but all other areas of our life, including our emotional health. Single men and women with low self-esteem suffer more depression and discouragement, loneliness, and anxiety in their lives than other people. These negative emotions feed a vicious cycle of withdrawal that only worsens low self-esteem. This makes me depressed just writing about this stuff!
To make matters worse, it seems many Christians feel confused when talking about self-esteem, somehow thinking it is “unspiritual” or self-centered to feel good about yourself. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, as long as you understand from whence your strength comes.
how to help someone with low self-esteem
What does the Bible say about low self-esteem? If you are a single Christian suffering from a poor sense of self-worth, and wondering how you fix low esteem, allowing the truth of the following points to sink into your soul will help put you on the path to recovery:
Know That God Accepts You As You Are
The beginning of healthy self-esteem and emotional well-being is self-acceptance. Being able to accept yourself starts with accepting God’s view of your worth as a person, and then gladly receiving what He has to offer.
- Do you hate who you look like? You shouldn’t because God said you were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139)
- Do you feel worthless and unlovable? God the Father says He loves you and finds you so worthwhile that He chose His son to die on your behalf, even while you were far from Him (John 3:16, Romans 5:8).
- Do you feel guilty and unclean because of how you have lived your life? God offers complete forgiveness and cleansing from all past wrongs.(1 John 1:19), and a new beginning in life (2 Cor 5:17).
Know That You Belong
Self-esteem suffers when we feel like there is no place we belong. A sense of belonging gives us a feeling that we are needed and wanted. This makes us feel good about ourselves, and loved at the same time..
God made us to experience this feeling of belonging and love through the forming of intimate relationships. The most important relationship you can have is with the Lord. Jesus’ prayer for His followers was that the same kind of wonderful relationship He had with His Father might be experienced by them too: “That they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us…” (John 17)
If you are a child of God, you belong in His family, and are dearly beloved (Col. 3:12). You are not orphans or paupers, but princes and princesses who will rule as co-heirs with Jesus. If you really believe this stuff, nothing will make you feel better.
Know That You Can Conquer Your Past
Many singles who suffer from low self-esteem have had past experiences (often in childhood) that have given them a tremendous sense of failure. This sense of “being a loser” is so agonizing that they fear taking risks in life. It is fears like these that can keep women and men single.
However, part of understanding who we are in Christ is realizing that past failures and experiences no longer have a hold on us. We now have the power to conquer our past failures and fears through Him (Romans 8:37, 2 Timothy 1:7). The question that remains is whether or not you choose to change your negative pattern of thinking and acting. That power is all yours through Christ (Phil. 4:13).
If you are a single Christian whose low self-esteem has caused your dating aspirations to suffer, covenant with yourself and the Lord to start seeing yourself through His eyes.
Are you a single person with something to share about low self-esteem?
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15 Comments
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[…] Single people who suffer from anxiety attacks know how much it can affect their dating relationships and self-esteem. I should know because I used to suffer anxiety attacks for years myself. […]
Rashema
I have suffered with low self esteem for years and did not realize it. But it always appears in my relationships with members of the opposite sex. Even when they have done things in the past that wre clearly wrong, I have always blamed myself and thought that there was something wrong with me and that is why they cheated and or emotionally abused me.
I have just developed a personal relationship with God that has transformed my thinking.
I was really upset and very depressed when I was rejected by someone that I adored after learning that he was married. I was sucidal and very depressed as I have often been when my love has been rejected.
But God spoke to me and told me that I was special in his eyes and that I had a pure heart and that I was only experiencing such hurt because he wanted me to be closer to him. Now I realize that I am special in God’s eyes and after reading and studying the bible, I learned that from Matthew in the bible, God wants us all to have a pure heart. My life is completely different and I feel so much better about myself knowing the way that God sees me. I only pray that others who suffer from low self worth will have the same experience. That is experinecing where true self esteem comes from and that is from knowing who you are in God’s eyes and continuously trying to become a better Christian and a better human being.
Tony
Know That God Accepts You As You Are – Just wanted to mention that there’s an important scripture reference that should read:
1 John 1:9
Thanks
dylan
Alright, I have a relationship wih Jesus and am in a depression.
Since a while I suffer from lower self-esteem as well and feel embarrassed about that.
My question: How much can I DO for it.
Because either I do to much (want to do all of it) or I don’t do anything at all! So helpful answers please!!
Mary
To answer you, Dylan, my idea is that you have to give yourself permission to do “the best that you can.” It may sound cliche, but it is true. I have struggled greatly with the very thing you are talking about.
You cannot compare yourself to others and say what you do is not enough. Allow the love of God to fill your heart and recognize that you are loveable and that whatever you choose to do, it will be good enough to God if you’ve tried your best. For example, I struggle with keeping my room clean and organized. In the past, I would beat myself up for being so messy and then I when I tried to clean, I wouldn’t get very far before I lost focus and got tired and I would quit. Then I would HATE myself for being such a loser and not being able to keep clean. “You are such a slob! You can’t even clean this up!” is what I would tell myself. But what I came to realize is that I must give myself credit for the little bits I can do. If I get one load of laundry done or clear one small area, I tell myself, “Good job! Look how you made some progress today!” I didn’t get it all done, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try or do a good job. ALWAYS try to keep it positive when you say things to yourself. It is the devil who keeps us being negative and beating ourselves up. God wants to encourage us and lift us up and you need to accept encouragement from Him and yourself as real and truthful. When we are positive about our own lives, that makes us more useful to live for Him.
Ella
I get really jealous whenever my boyfriend talks about his ex, or talks to his ex (they are still good friends). If I see pictures or videos with the two of them it upsets me and I get angry with him. He’s very faithfull and he is very sweet and understanding but I fear I’m pushing him away. He is my first boyfriend and I want him to be my only, I really want to marry him. I am however, his fourth girlfriend. I really do love him and I tell him I trust him because I really try to. I’m just afraid his old feelings for her will come back. I somehow feel she’s better than me and he will fall for her again or find someone else better than me and leave me. I have had low self esteem ever since I was small. I always use to think I was ugly, especially through my teenage years. I eventually didn’t think I was that ugly, I came to accept that I was ok. I’ve always been invisible to people and I’ve liked alot of people who have never liked me back, so I thought something was wrong with me. I guess I wonder if my boyfriend will eventually see what those people saw and leave me. Also my parents recently divorced. My dad cheated on my mom! My mom in a previous marriage cheated on her husband. So both my parents cheated. I just find it hard to believe that it is so easy to cheat on someone you claim to love. I really don’t think I would ever cheat on someone but if it’s that easy then someone can cheat on me and leave me for someone else. I also was left all alone to deal with the whole issue of my parents as all my friends went on a missionary trip and I wasn’t chosen to go, I thought they thought I wasn’t good enough. I’m scared I’ll lose my boyfriend if I don’t get a grip on my feelings. I wan’t to be strong and confident and have a higher self esteem. I’m just not sure how to do that. I know all the things God has done for me and how much I mean to Him but it’s still hard. I guess it’s just a work in progress! Please pray for me!
Patricia
I also struggle with my low-self-esteem. I too feel I’m not worthy enough and when I compare myself to my friends and many other people, I feel really ugly.. And it hurts me deeply and I find it unfair why my friends look a lot better than me.. Sometimes I feel I have Jesus on my side and that it doesn’t matter how I look like.
I have a wound from the past. 🙁 I had a relationship with someone who found looks very important. Before I met him, I never paid much attention to looks, but ever since I met him and have had a relationship with him I started paying attention to looks and always compared myself with others regarding outer appearance.
I know this is the devil saying to me I’m unworthy and useless and ugly (and maybe I do look ugly to others)
Thank you for the above information here, it really helps, but please pray for me! ;;
Christine
Hi Patricia,
I’m sorry that a past relationship led you to constantly comparing yourself to others. God made everyone unique and special. By comparing ourselves to each other we don’t let ourselves shine the way God intended us to.
God looks at you and sees beauty, and beauty alone. You should not think of yourself as unworthy because it’s simply not true.
We’ll be praying for you.
Opeyemi
I have also had a past that has made me to consistently doubt my abilities and achievements.
During my university days, I never dated anyone and till now I have not. I can even say that I have never had a boyfriend before which is as a result of the denomination that I used to attend which discouraged the dating game. Now that I am ready to get married I am yet to meet anyone who I believe is Gods will for me and so I get so worried and anxious with thoughts like will you ever get married plaguing me. But very recently the spirit ministered to me that I need to develop a healthy self worth or else I would get hurt when I get into a relationship.
Thank you for your article it has really helped a lot. I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully created and that God has someone special for me.
May God bless you
BLESSING
During school days i was a shy prson but when i started growing up i was detrmined to fight shyness and i was doing real good. But, it suddendly happen when i went back to my country (afica) after leaving in the uk for some years that i started to smell. I guess it must have been the africa weather. I did not notice it myself but it was the people around me. During my 2 weeks stay i was full of embarrassment because people kept covering their nose. i also became sad and low,i guess i was depressed.
That became the beginning of my low selfseteem. Now after coming back to the UK, i was spending more time in the bathroom and took more care when it comes to taking care of myself. But because of my sensitivity which developed back in africa, whenever i get close to people sy on the bus i ALWAYS i mean ALWAYS checking for some sot of reactions. Its like buying a gorgeous dress and walking into a room and lookig for reactions. Sometime people sort of try not to breathe where i am and sometimes theres nothing. If i get a bad reaction like covering noses, i just need one person out of 10 people to react to my smell, that is enough to give me a bad day. suddenly that happy girl and smiley girl would rush into the toilet and cry.
I guess my problem is looking out for reactions to whatevr i do. I am a christian , i have prayed and i know GOD loves me but if there is any bodo that is going through what im going thru or has gone thru it, i employ them to reply me. I seriously need help and its more of controlling my thought rather than what is happening exernally. God bless u.
greg
It’s your own fault if you have low self esteem. Your self esteem comes from helping others. Focus on God. Don’t go counter to what he says i.e. hooking up with unbelievers. He’s trying to speak to you in your loneliness.
Sharon
I wish more pastors would educate their congregations in including singles. Part of the reason why it’s so rough to be a single over 35 is b/c you’re basically making the choice to be alone. Unless you belong to a singles group, for the most part you are not included in social events. For instance, couples and families are always inviting one another over for dinner — but a couple will rarely include a single in that mix… it’s just not “normal.” But family gatherings are fun, homemade food that you don’t have to cook yourself is yummy, and the sense of belonging that you feel from being included is priceless. I miss that!
terri
i’m single have been for 4yrs..left a 20 yr relationship of abuse.. recovering addict..been cleen for 4 yrs.. lonely. depressed. anxiety.fell like i will never find a good companion. not enterested..in sex..just want someone to do things and then maybe ..have relationship..i have only known abusive relationships…scared. i’am a christian..not full blown but i do talk to GOD every day.. so does anyone want to be my friend..50 yrs old.. and another thing a BIG fear of DIEING ALONE…
Jason
I too suffer from this, and really at this point……over forty, never married, no kids, no gf, a virgin and not or even “get to know you date” since Bill Clinton was president. I kinds had to shrug it off. I have Christ, and my faith. I do not need to be married, or have children to have eternal life with Him. That does comfort me, and it took awhile to get there.
It is not easy, or fair so to speak. All I can do now is pray.
Yes, it still hurts at times when I think about what I am missing out on, and those discouraging thoughts about my appearance, and everything else that is wrong with me.
I was born to serve, and I continue to pray.
I love my church, and the people there, but sometimes an unintentional harmless comment can tear at my heart; for example, in adult Sunday school class one beautiful Sunday (which is 90% women 10% men, and I am the only single one) and the topic came up about “men in church and the ratio of women to men in the church today” every single woman there had to vent that “there are no REAL, Godly men in church” and I just wanted to jump outta my seat and yell “RIGHT HERE!” I didn’t though. It comes down to looks as well, even with some Christian sisters. I pray, and focus on my committees, and fellowship.
I had to accept and learn that I am in church for His glory and his worship. Not my needs.
I do sleep better when I think about it in this way.
Amy
I just wanted to tell you I feel the same way all the CHristian dating websites and all of that in my opinion males only look at what is on the outside not what is in the heart. I was married for 19 yrs and have 4 amazing children so I have been through marriage just a very rough divorce and trying to get back in the dating scene is difficult. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless!!!
Amy