“I don’t like them! I’m never going to like them!” That exchange might be what your child says and what you think after you’ve tried to introduce them to your new significant other. If you’ve already introduced them and it hasn’t gone well, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle, so this article is more for when you are considering introducing the new person at all.
is the timing Right
How long has it been since you were divorced, separated, or lost your significant other to death? Remember that just because you feel you’re ready, it doesn’t mean your child is ready. We all grieve on our own timetables. Have you given yourself and your child enough time to mourn the old arrangements? Should you even BE dating or do you just not want to be alone?
A good rule of thumb for introduction
Wait at least six months after the divorce is finalized.
Think of it like this – If you want a squirrel to take a peanut out of your hand, you don’t rush it and make it feel unsafe. It’s the same thing if you want your child to like your new significant other – don’t rush it.
Are you respecting the parent-child relationship?
You might want to get back into the dating arena ASAP, but don’t cut into your relationship with your child to do it. If your previous relationship just ended and the other adult is gone, they need the stability of knowing that you’re still there for them. A child could develop a distaste for whoever you bring home simply because you are slighting them on your time and emotions. If you have an alternating weekend child custody scenario, date on the weekends you don’t have the children with you.
Do not bring a child along on your dates early in a relationship, even if the other person also has children. You don’t know if this is going to be a real relationship yet and you don’t want them to instantly hate the other children for the same reason of being slighted and feeling jealous.
Why are you single?
Whether it is from divorce, death, or separation from the partner you were never married to, it’s important to know what happened in the last relationship and what you want to see out of your next relationship. If you’ve asked those questions and you feel that the new person fits those qualifications, it’s more likely that the introduction to your child will be successful. And until you know that, pretend you’re Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, and say “You shall not pass” to anyone who wants to meet your child!
Who is this new person?
Are they a stranger, a family friend you’ve decided to see in a new way, old relationship that you’ve rekindled, long distance relationship, or something else? Depending on the circumstances, you may need to delay to allay any of their fears or be able to possibly move up the introduction if your child already knows who they are.
And while you’re asking this question, it’s not a bad idea to check them out on the Internet by googling, checking on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media sites to see what you can find out.
You want a date lined up for Friday night, not to wind up on Dateline Friday night!
Questions to think about
- Are you and your ex amicable?
- Can you have a conversation together with your child to confirm your relationship is done and that it’s ok if each of you moves on?
- That you want each other to be happy and if that includes a new relationship, you’re each fine with that?
Sometimes it is that the child feels if they like the new significant other, they are betraying their non-custodial parent. You can both let them know that the more people that are in their lives that love them, the better off they are. Permission from both parents will lead to relaxation of tension over the issue.
And the last and most unfortunate thing to consider is that this new relationship may not work for your child.
Parent/Child dynamic. It might be for the best not to continue it. Like the Kenny Rogers’ song, The Gambler, says – you gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.
I hope this has been helpful for you!
Mike Johnson is a former New Jersey administrative specialist 4 and family court mediator. You can find him and his custody/parenting time musings on Facebook at Mediator Mike and Instagram @mediator_mike.
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