Knowing when to define the relationship, especially in a Christian dating relationship, is huge. There’s nothing more annoying in the dating process than not knowing where you stand with someone. You’re stuck there wondering where this is going and if the other person is even thinking about it. If you’ve ever wanted to ask someone, “What are we?” this is for you. I’m going to share exactly what to do and not to do when you’re ready to define the relationship.
This is a question that comes up more than any other question I get at Oasis-Singles.com Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a month or two, maybe more, and you’re getting to that point where you’re asking yourself, “What are we? Are we in a relationship? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? What is this?” This can be a really tricky moment in early-stage dating. Sometimes it happens seamlessly, but a lot of times, it’s pretty clunky. That is why I’m here to help you finesse these clunky parts.
What Is Defining the Relationship?
Defining the relationship (DTR) is the moment where you explicitly say, “We are a couple,” or “We are in a relationship,” or “We are doing the monogamy thing,” or whatever it is that you’re aiming for. The key here is that it’s a conversation between you and the person you’re dating so that you’re on the same page about your relationship, where you’re currently at, and where it’s heading.
The actual definition, like what you’re calling your relationship, can be various things. You can say, “Okay, we’re a couple now.” You can say, “Okay, I’m calling you my boyfriend now, and I’m your girlfriend,” or partner now, or whatever. You’re literally just stating what the relationship is.
Exclusive vs. Defining the Relationship
This comes up a lot too, and let me clear it up. Some people have said to me that exclusivity and defining a relationship are the same thing, but I disagree. Exclusivity is a stage in early dating when you’re not seeing anyone else. But it feels too soon to start using labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner. Even if you don’t date multiple people, this is definitely something good to briefly discuss with someone you’re dating if you want to keep seeing them and focus on that relationship.
Exclusivity is a natural step towards defining the relationship. Yes, you can skip over this conversation completely and just go to defining it, but if you’re pursuing a monogamous relationship, then exclusivity has to happen at one point or another.
Before You Have the DTR Conversation
Before you have this conversation, I think it’s really important to ask yourself, “What does defining the relationship mean to me?” Does it mean that you’ll start using labels? Do you discuss what’s expected at this next step? Do you start talking about the short-term future, like a few months out? Does this mean you’ll introduce them to your family? You don’t have to make this moment so intense, but I think having a sense of your own expectations and desires before having this conversation will help you communicate what you want and need more clearly when the time comes.
How Do You Know Who to Define the Relationship With?
This is not something you do with someone you don’t see a future with or don’t enjoy hanging out with. It’s also not realistic or ideal to define the relationship with someone you’ve only met three times. I don’t love putting numbers on these things, but the average DTR moment typically happens after ten to fifteen dates with someone, which is about six to ten weeks, depending on how often you see them. But again, these aren’t strict rules or timeframes.
When you’re at the point of defining the relationship with someone, hopefully, you’ve spent enough time with them to know these things:
- Your dating goals are aligned.
- You enjoy spending time with them.
- You feel comfortable around them and trust them.
- You like them as a person.
- You feel like the relationship has room to grow.
- You’re attracted to them.
- You have stuff in common.
Aligning with Scripture
The Bible offers wisdom that can guide us in defining our relationships. Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” This verse underscores the importance of mutual agreement and understanding in a relationship. Ephesians 4:2-3 encourages us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Defining the relationship helps create unity and clarity.
How to Start the DTR Conversation
This is probably the most nerve-wracking part of this process. Here are some more effective approaches that align with better and clearer communication:
- Say What You Want: You can say something like, “Hey, I really enjoyed getting to know you and spending time together. I think I’m ready to go to the next step, meaning I’d love to start calling you my boyfriend.” After you say that, stop talking and let them respond. You’re not being needy; you’re just saying what you want.
- Check-In: Another approach is saying, “Hey, I’d love to check in about how things are going with us. I’ve been feeling really happy getting to know you, and I want to take our connection to the next step. What do you think?” This opens up a conversation without pressure.
- Have the Conversation in Person: These conversations should be in person, not over text. If you can’t meet in person, do it over the phone or FaceTime, but not via text.
What If They’re Not Ready?
If defining the relationship comes up and either you or they aren’t ready, it’s not the end of the world. Give yourself a mental deadline for how long you’ll wait, and revisit the conversation in the following weeks. Ask them what they need or what’s holding them back from being ready and assess if you want to stick around while they figure it out.
Avoiding Situationships
Avoid prolonged ambiguity where one person wants to move forward and the other isn’t sure. This is how situationships are born. Ephesians 4:15 advises us to “speak the truth in love.” Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
What If They Get Scared Off?
If you bring up the DTR conversation and they shut down or pull back, they’re probably not on the same page. While this might suck, it’s also a blessing. The right person will be excited to get into a relationship with you.
Defining the Relationship in Christian Context
Remember, defining the relationship is an important step. Proverbs 3:5-6 encourages us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Trust God’s timing and guidance in your relationship journey.
Conclusion of When to Define the Relationship
Defining the relationship can be a tricky and scary moment, but it’s essential for clarity and growth. Don’t rush into this; get to know them first. And when you’re ready, say what you want instead of asking, “What are we?” You’ve got this!
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