Why So Many Christian Women Are Single:

“While marriage is a blessing, it is not the ultimate goal of life—God is.” Well, yeah, I know that. I’m pretty sure every Christian single person knows that. I know it’s not meant that way, but this usually comes off as condescending and patronizing. “Remember single folks, your number one priority is your relationship with God”. Oh, really? Wow. I didn’t know that! What’s your number one priority as a married person? Oh, right….. your relationship with God. Hahaha!

Well, yeah, sure you can become “consumed” with looking for a spouse in unhealthy ways, but if you’re 25 or older and still single, you should probably put some serious effort into it. It’s not going to “just happen.” It might seem to work out that way for some people. And those people will give you the “advice” of just “wait on God” and “be content” and all that. But God never promised us marriage. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise that He never made to you?

I appreciate the point that some people might be single simply because there’s no eligible partners around.

Often, as Christians, we over-spiritualize these things, and assume that God is the one keeping us single. And, apparently, He’s doing this because we’re “not ready.” Or He’s trying to “teach” us something. Or He wants us to “frow closer to Him.” Or He’s trying to teach us “contentment.” On and on the platitudes go. Of course, we can’t know this for sure, at the end of the day.

An interesting thing about marriage is that God created it at the dawn of the world. It happened in the Garden of Eden, while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. So it wasn’t a lack of God being “enough” that made God give Adam a wife. He looked at Adam and said it “wasn’t good” for him to be alone. Wait! So even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.

Of course, then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. People will often tell you that you’re currently single because that’s “God’s plan.” I have my doubts about that. In Matthew 19, when Jesus talks about people who stay celibate and never marry, he mentions a few different types: people who CHOOSE to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by “other men.” So some people stay single, and it’s not because THEY chose it OR because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.

Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good.

Is it “God’s plan” that you’re currently single? Maybe. Maybe not. Just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan. What if you’re currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things “God’s plan” just because they’re currently happening?

I mean, I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. if that’s broadly accurate, it means that not every Christian will be able to find someone to marry. Is that “God’s plan”?

Often, as Christians, we can get the idea that God is a Puppetmaster who’s running every aspect of our love life. have my doubts about this, though. The Bible doesn’t say anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It even says that, if you’re single, you can marry whoever you want, as long as they’re a Christian (see 1 Corinthians 7:39)

I would definitely be proactive about this if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I don’t think these things “just happen.” I mean, what if you’re a Christian and you’re pursuing goals like a job search, or weight loss? We don’t just sit back and “wait on God” in those scenarios, do we? But when it comes to romance we can often over-spiritualize it. And, for sure, we do have to prepare. Single you will be the married you, unless you decide to make changes.

From reading 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose either marriage or singleness. But, of course, we have to bring God into it.

Apparently, for the first few thousand years of human history, it was “God’s plan” for young people to be joined in arranged marriages in their late teens. Then God changed his mind to around 18 or so, with close involvement and vetting from each other’s parents. Then He changed it to be more inclusive of other races and social classes. Then, in the modern age, God decided to change it for many people to the late twenties and early thirties, with little involvement from parents, at least initially. What is going on?

Another strange point about the belief that God ordains people to be single or married: According to many Christians God will introduce you to “The One” at “the right time.” To make things even more confusing, we send a mixed message of how if you do everything right (like don’t have sex) as a single, God will reward you with a happy marriage with the “soulmate” He prepared just for you. So you don’t “earn” it, but you do “earn” it, but it’s all in His timing….or something.

And then we wonder why so many Christian singles are confused, hurt, bitter, unmarried, or struggle with marriage. The Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It’s not even hinted at.

I think we sometimes have bad motives for leaving situations in “God’s hands.” For example, we’re scared to make the first move, we don’t like dealing with rejection, we don’t like dealing with our own insecurities or shortcomings, or we don’t like dealing with our fears. And, of course, as Christians we often just over-spiritualize everything. That’s how we get to places where we think things like “It’ll happen when God wills it.” Of course, none of this stuff is helpful if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I mean, if we’re on a job search, we don’t approach it that way, now, do we? Or goals like, say, weight loss.

Sometimes we have to act. But sometimes we believe that acting is a sign of weak faith. But isn’t it IN acting that our faith is proven? I mean, God’s will is mostly done by God’s people. So we need to do it with God. But we still need to do it. Hahaha.

You mention that “God’s timing is not always our timing.” And that “many Christian women are not single because something is wrong—but because: God is preparing them, God is preparing someone else, [or] God is aligning circumstances.”

Well, sure, maybe. But, again, I’m not sure how much God really involves Himself in these things. I think we have the freedom to marry, the freedom to choose to marry, and the freedom to choose who to marry. From what we can read in the Bible, I don’t know how much God really involves Himself in these things. A lot of people are convinced that God orchestrated their marriages, but what evidence do they have? In my experience, these people are often people who met each other by coincidence (when they “stopped looking” as the cliché goes), dated for a period, and then got married at 21. They then, of course, conclude that this was all God’s Plan. Sure. Easy for them to say.

You might not be single because it’s “God’s plan.” It could just be bad luck, or bad worldly circumstances. Or even bad life choices.

You also mention the “idol of marriage.” When you’re a Christian single and you openly express your desire for marriage, well-meaning people will often warn you about “idolatry.”

This can be kinda annoying or condescending, to be honest. it seems like every time singles express the desire, somebody will throw out the old “idolatry” warning. Or when someone writes or preaches about marriage to singles, they start with the caveat that wanting marriage is good “as long as you don’t make an idol out of it,” or something like that. I wonder how many Christians keep quiet about this desire, or minimize it, because they don’t want to hear these sorts of things.

You CAN, however, desire a romance/marriage/sex badly without making it an “idol,” though. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about people who “burn with passion,” but he doesn’t accuse them of idolatry. He encourages them to marry.

I wonder if this has any negative consequences. Can the desire for marriage really become an idol? Yeah, sure, technically, probably. But I think people can blow that notion out of proportion. It might cause some people to be tepid in their approach to marriage, and make them afraid that any amount of thinking or acting on their desire might be somehow sinful. Both, of course, have the unfortunate consequence of making marriage even less likely to happen. Isn’t that ironic?

In the Bible, when verses talk about “idols,” they’re almost always talking about physical idols, from other pagan religions. And, sure, some people can be unreasonable and put marriage and romance up on an impossible pedestal. But I don’t think most people do that; they simply have a strong desire, and they can’t help it. In Timothy 4:1-5, interestingly, Paul talks about demonic doctrines, and one of them he lists is “men who forbid marriage.” If Paul wrote the book of Hebrews, he also said that marriage something that should be honored.

Paul also wrote that “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). I think it’s unlikely that a godly desire for a biblical marriage would become a real idol. And biblical marriage seems to be the antidote to much of the real idolatry — “sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed” — that we see in the world.

Also, look at some biblical examples of parenthood. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. These women had strong and passionate desires for good things that God designed, and openly expressed their pain when these things didn’t come to pass. Nowhere in the Bible are these people criticized or condemned for “idolatry.”

People mean well when they warn singles about turning their desires into “idolatry,” but I think they can overdo it sometimes.

“1 Corinthians 7:32-34 highlights how singleness can allow for undivided devotion to the Lord.” This is a common interpretation of this passage, though I do wonder about it. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you AREN’T distracted by the desire for marriage, then maybe you have the gift of singleness. of course, in English, “distracting” has a negative connotation. So we often bring that into play when teaching this passage. But it seems more like Paul might merely making the elementary observation that marriage, or the search for marriage, can place more demands on your time and attention than the genuinely contented single life. Of course, not everyone IS genuinely content with being single. And Paul concedes that.

“The world says: ‘You are incomplete until you find someone.’ But the Bible says: ‘You are already complete in Christ.’ ”

This is something else you hear a lot as Christian single, but it’s not terribly helpful. I don’t want to experience romance/marriage/sex because “the world” somehow brainwashed me into wanting those things. These things are, for many people (perhaps most) just a normal part of being human. Marriage is a genuinely good thing. There’s certainly something special and unique about it that, understandably, lots of people want to experience. Interestingly enough, a lot of research (almost all secular) indicates that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then!

Yes, marriage has its challenges. But there’s enjoyable and good things about marriage, too. Enjoyable and good things that, if you’re single, you simply miss out on. That’s certainly hard, and should be acknowledged.

“When the time is right, God is fully capable of bringing the right person into your life.” Well, sure He is. Will He actually do it, though? God doesn’t promise us marriage anywhere. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise that He never made to you. I wouldn’t be too passive about this, especially if you’re over 25 or so.