Online Christian Dating or Courtship?

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Recently, a pastor friend of mine explained why he is not only against online Christian dating, but also the concept of dating in general. While he did not come out and say that dating is unbiblical (there are some Christians who feel this way), he argued that it cheapens the courtship process and encourages single Christians to enter casual relationships that are here today and gone tomorrow.

The pastor started out by rightly reminding me that dating is a relatively new phenomenon of the last hundred years or so. Before that time, singles were said to court one another. Courtship was not a casual thing to do on a Friday night, but a serious process whereby the families of the single gal and single guy decide whether or not marriage should be the end result. Romance and personal choice took a back seat to practicality: Is he able to support her? Does she cook, sew well and love children? Do the families make a good fit?

Overall, my friend feels the courtship system is much more advantageous than the present system of dating:

• Courtship will save singles from entering casual relationships where sexual impurity and heartache can occur.
• Since courtship is more or less supervised by the families, singles have less a chance to make wrong, harmful and impulsive decisions.
• Courtship encourages commitment to one person, which carries over into the Christian marriage relationship.

Dating and Courtship is Not an Either/Or Proposition

I had several responses for my pastor friend. The first sentences came out this way: Get real! While the idea of an old-fashioned courtship has some virtue in it, how many twenty-something or thirty-something Christian singles would buy into such a system? How many Christian families would be willing to make a courtship covenant? A solution must be realistic if it is to be the norm.”

Secondly, Christian dating does not have to devolve into the  sex sin relationships that we see in the world. Christian dating services fill a need that many families and churches are not meeting. So why condemn all forms of dating just because the world abuses it?

I have one dear friend who met her fiance though an online Christian matchmaking site. Their two year long distance dating relationship has been anything but casual, but a conscious process leading toward marriage. Before committing in person they had spent over six months just communicating on a heart level via e-mail. Afterwards, they both met each other’s families, who approved of the relationship. Each party also enlisted the help of their respective pastors and friends to help them through the engagement process. I am happy to say that my friend is getting married this coming June (and I am singing in the wedding).
Here we have an example of a single Christian couple who used an online Christian dating service, but incorporated elements of the courtship process by seeking advice from their families and churches.

The lesson here? Dating and Courtship does not have to be an either/or proposition for Christian singles. It’s possible to combine the best of both. So what are your thoughts about online Christian dating and courtship? Do you take an either/or stand on the issue?

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Where Christian Singles Meet Other Singles

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Ever wonder where Christian Singles meet other single Christians for dating and/or courting relationships? I know some lonely Christian single guys in one of the small groups I lead who sure do. A typical question in our support group goes along these lines: “So how do I go about meeting a nice Christian girl?”

Since we we were curious ourselves (aren’t you guys?), we decided to do some research on the Internet. What we found was quite interesting. For example, In 2003 American Demographics surveyed over 1500 engaged couples to find out how they found each other. Here are the results:

Top Ways Singles Meet

Friends/Relatives…65%
Online Dating Services…20%
Common Interest Activities…10%
Other…5%

So what are single Christians supposed to do with these findings?

Start by noticing that each one of the top ways singles meet other singles is through their doing something.

In Matthew 7, Jesus encourages us to practice a proactive type of faith when he stated “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Of course, our Lord could answer a single Christian’s simple prayer, and supernaturally drop their perfect match into their laps. That would be cool. But more often than not, He wants us to stretch our faith by putting us into a position of prayerful “seeking and knocking”.

I realize there are some Christians who feel that by their inaction they are being spiritual and submissive to the Lord’s will for their lives. But our God is a God of action, and He calls us to imitate Him, as long as we do so in faith and humility.

A Single Christian’s Practical Steps

Therefore, in light of the above singles dating survey here are some practical faith-filled steps a Christian single interested in dating could take:

1. Circulate your stock. Let your family and friends know you are seeking a mate, and ask them to keep an eye open for you. Don’t be embarassed, but just step out in faith. Unless you express your needs they can’t help you. Remember that they know you the best, and may be able to spot a good match for you.

2. Step out of your comfort zone. Each year more and more single Christians are using online Christian dating services. Consider doing the same. On this site you will find the top Christian Matchmaking sites, most of which offer free trial memberships. A neat positive about online dating is that you can search databases for the exact type of person you are seeking to meet. Just make sure you read about online saftey dating tips.

3. Take time to join in on some fun activities that you enjoy. This could be as simple as attending a church singles group, hobby club, fitness club or sporting event. These are natural ways to meet other singles in your area of passion and interest.

4. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Diversify your efforts by putting all of the above into action.

5. Finally, keep a positive attitude as you claim God’s promises for your life (Psalms 37:4, Jer. 29:11, Prov. 3:5,6). Remember, He is in control and knows exactly what you need and when you need it. Has He ever failed you in the past?

Are you a Christian single or recently engaged, and want to share your dating experiences? Make your comments about how Christian Singles meet other singles right here.

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What Christian Single Girls Want in a Guy

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What do Christian single girls look for in a single Christian guy when contemplating a soulmate or marriage partner? This question always seems to percolate in any singles groups I have ever attended or led. We found some online surveys about Christian single girls (ages 18-70) you may find quite interesting.

Okay guys, so you’re no babe magnet? Don’t worry about it because the good news here is that single Christian girls of all ages appear to put physical attraction behind four other qualities that you may have. If you don’t have any of these, you may want to consider becoming a eunuch.

Top Dating Qualities Christian Girls Want

Here are the top five qualities single Christian girls look for in a Christian single guy:

1. Christian single women want a guy who is passionate about his Lord. Nothing is more attractive to a single Christian girl than a guy who is in love with Jesus, and passionate about following Him. A guy sold out for Jesus lets the single Christian girl know that he is not afraid of big commitments as in, ahem…marriage. I can’t believe I just wrote the “M” word.
2. Christian single girls put a high value on a guy who can honestly share feelings. She wants to be able to trust that her potential husband is a man of his word, and faithful to her. It also doesn’t hurt that he is not afraid to cry while watching sad movies. Look, most of us have been burned by fakers and liars, and it hurts big time. For some of you guys who do have a problem in this area, I suggest listening to that old Billy Joel tune, Honesty, and doing a Bible word study on the word.
3. Christian single girls are attracted to a guy with a good sense of humor. Life has lots of bumps in the road, and a sense of humor will help her keep perspective on what is really important (Col. 3:1) when the going gets tough. Plus, these kind of folks are just fun to be around.
4. Single Christian girls are looking for a guy who can provide a stable environment. Translation: A single woman finds a man appealing who has a steady job and loving relationships with his immediate family members. This shows the single Christian girl that the guy is dependable, consistent and able to provide for a family. This issue of provision is extremely important for a any single woman looking for a mate. Look, we’re not talking Donald Trump here, okay? As my one Christian single girlfriend says, “If he has an operating driver’s license and a job, that’s good enough for me.”
5. Coming in at fifth place is the issue of physical attractiveness. Christian single girls relay that it’s important (but not most important) that they be somewhat physically attracted to the man they marry. In other words, when a single Christian girl looks upon you, she should find “something” appealing about you physically. You may not be a Brad Pitt, but you almost certainly have at least one feature that is above average in appearance.

Well, guys, there you have it. Whether you meet someone through an online Christian Dating/Matchmaking site or church singles group, what Christian single girls want in a guy remains the same.

Are you a Christian single girl or guy with a different take on the issue? Feel free to submit your dating comments.

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