Christian Single Parents

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Kermit the frog says it not easy being green. Move over Kermie, being a Christian single parent is a much harder job…and more lonely. Perhaps this prayer by an anonymous Christian single parent says it all:

“Lord, grant me Time Enough to do all the chores, join in the games, help with the lessons, and say the night prayers, and still have a few moments left over for me;

Energy Enough to be bread-baker and breadwinner, knee patcher and peacemaker, ballplayer and bill juggler;

Hands Enough to wipe away the tears, to reach out when I’m needed, to hug and to hold, to tickle and touch;

Heart Enough to share and to care, to listen and understand, and to make a loving home for my family.”

Phew! I got stressed out just reading it. One of my friends who is a single parent dad to two minor children was discussing the possibilities of using an online Christian dating service. “Eharmony? Christian Cafe? Who has time for single parent dating, and how would the kids handle that? No, with all my daily responsibilities I barely have time to use the bathroom! What I really need are some single parent stress reducers.”

If you are a single parent mom or single dad, and feeling a little like my friend, you’re not alone. Single parent-led households have skyrocketed over the past decade all across Europe, Australia and the U.S. In fact, according to the US Census Bureau, there are over 14 million single parent-led households in the U.S. alone. And many of these folks are single Christians.

Christian Single Parents and Their Needs

Single Christian parents have overwhelming spiritual, emotional and physical needs. Yet, polls also show they are one of the least likely groups to attend church. Why is this?

Money saving worries have led some single parents to work several jobs in order to make ends meet, and they simply do not have the time. Many others, however, feel excluded or stigmatized by the church, and so stay at home. In a nutshell, single parenting is stressful. Period.

When the Scriptures states that believers should care for the poor, the widows and the defenseless, this group of people is not too far removed. Churches and single parent ministries have a great opportunity to show the love of Jesus in this area.

If you are a single Christian parent, and struggling with the burdens of life. let me remind you of some wonderful things:

• Stop feeling guilty! You cannot do it all, no matter what that single parent prayer says. So take a bow (you deserve it!) for the job you are doing and rest in the One who can do it all, and who wants to help you bear the load (Psalms 55:22, Psalms 91, 1Peter 5:7).
• Plan a little time just for you in order to recharge. Even Jesus got away into the wilderness to pray for a while, apart from his kids…the disciples! If that means a bubble bath and a great book, go for it.
• Join a singles group fellowship where you can encourage others and be encouraged. It’s what the Lord wants for you (Hebrews 10:25). While many churches are failing to meet the needs of singles and single parents dating, there are those who have formed local Christian singles support groups and specialized ministries for parents and kids. Find one and stick with it. You and your kids will both be happier for it.
• Remember to leave your anxieties with Jesus, who promises never to leave you (or your kids) nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Are these just empty words, or real promises from a Heavenly Father?

Finally, because we believe local fellowship is a great place to grow spiritually and meet other singles with similar issues, Christian-Dating-Service-PLUS.com is in the process of listing all known singles group ministries in one place for your easy access. If you know of a singles group ministry or single Christian parent support group that should be listed, submit it to us here. Please also consider helping other Christian single parents and other singles by posting your comments

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Christian Singles Secrets

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Many Christian singles walk around with the burden of carrying personal secrets bottled up deep in their hearts. Whether the secrets are unconfessed sexual sins, painful memories, regrets, shame-filled experiences or totally whacked out thoughts, God did not design us to deal with such raw issues by ourselves.

From the Garden, the Lord created mankind for intimate fellowship with no room for secrets. Adam’s hiding from God after eating of the fruit is the Bible’s first recorded secret. Do you ever wonder what God would have done if Adam and Eve confessed their little “secret” instead of hiding from their Lord? Anyway, we have been keeping secrets ever since, with negative consequences for ourselves and our relationships with others.

The Bible has a neat answer to secret keeping: It’s called confession. Over and over in Scripture, we see see a connection between honest confession and spiritual, emotional and physical healing:

• If you confess your sins to God, He promises forgiveness and spiritual cleansing (1 John 1:9).
• Lack of confession leads to physical and emotional turmoil; honest acknowledgement to God brings relief of guilt (Psalms 32-2-5).
• While only God can forgive, He wants us to confess our sins to each other so that we may pray for each other and experience healing (James 5:6)

Only recently has modern psychology caught up with the Bible in terms of connecting private confession with physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Dr. James Pennebaker, psychology professor at Southern Methodist University, documents a study which found that confessing our secrets can be good for the soul, lower blood pressure, lessen depression and increase your general sense of wellbeing.

There is certainly no reason why we should not confess our secrets to our Lord, who loves (John 3:16) and sympathizes with us despite knowing all about us (Hebrews 4:13-15).

Despite the fact that confession leads to healing, there are many reasons why single Christians fail to confess secrets to others, whether they be a lack of an appropriate outlet, fear, embarrassment or unreal expectations from our own churches.

In light of the above, you are invited to confess your secrets anonymously to Christian-Dating-Service-PLUS. We don’t need to know your name in order to have our single Christian readers pray for you. You will never be contacted unless you desire followup prayer and counsel. Our prayer is that we will all be encouraged by each other’s words.
There are several ways to post your secrets or confession:

• Simply leave a written comment right on this post
• E-mail us your written or recorded post secret via a mp3 file.
• If you only have a CD, we will provide you with an appropriate address to mail your post secret.

Note: Any audio recording will be aired over our radio station and/or podcasted through our site.

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Single Parents Dating and their Kids

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In Parent Education classes, single parents dating or those looking into a Christian matchmaking dating service routinely ask this question: “When can I introduce my children to the person I am dating?”

In a previous article, we discussed how difficult it is being a Christian Single Parent. But it doesn’t matter whether the single parents dating are Christian singles or unbelievers, the issues are still the same. All single parents, custodial or non-custodial, need to take special care when brooching the subject of dating with their kids.

Before a dating single parent even thinks about introducing someone new into their child’s life, they should understand where the child is emotionally during this time.

Depending on the different circumstances that each single parent’s kids have gone through, their reaction to the single parent dating may take on one of several forms.

• They may be fearful of losing the single parent. This is especially true in cases where the other parent has died or abandoned the family. The thinking here goes along these lines: “I lost my dad. Is my mom next?”
• They may be overly possessive and jealous of the single parent’s love, not wanting to share mom and/or dad with anyone else. It’s not uncommon under these circumstances for the child (usually a teenager) to act out against the single dating parent and their partner, which can cause major problems for any relationship.
• They may not trust any outsiders. This occurs in cases where the non-custodial single parent or ex-lover may have abused or neglected the child.
• They may secretly be hoping “mommy and daddy” will get back together again, and will act out ways to accomplish this.
• They may be grossed out or upset by their single parent dating mom or dad expressing romantic feelings for someone other than the other parent.

Single parents thinking about dating should take care because their children almost certainly will experience one or more of the above issues. Before a single parent introduces another person, there are several practical steps he or she can take to help the child and their dating relationship at the same time.

The first thing to do if you are a single parent not dating is to not rush into a “rebound relationship” in order to fill the void in your own life. The honest truth is you’re not ready for it, and neither are your children.

Parenting experts suggest at least a one year’s wait between relationships. Why do they suggest this? How often do we see single parents dating go from one dysfunctional relationship to the next without ever learning from the past? And how about the children who get more confused as they experience loss after loss?

Instead, use this “singleness time” as an opportunity to heal, learn and grow as a single parent. Minister to your children, and let God and His people minister to you. Find a Christian singles group where your heart can find peace and acceptance. God has not forsaken or left you (Hebrews 13:5), and will lead you into a relationship when you are ready.

Secondly,  single parents dating  should keep lines of communication wide open between themselves and their children. Find out what the kids are thinking or fearing and honestly discuss it with them. If they just hate the idea of mom or dad dating, don’t force it on them. Allow them to express themselves, as you practice patience and compassion with your kids. A few sessions with a respected Christian counselor or experienced minister may also help.

Thirdly, the single parent already in a dating relationship should discuss these issues with the person they are seeing, and make a plan on when, where and how they would introduce them to the children. Of course, if you are a Christian I am assuming your dating relationship is not based on casual sex, but is in fact a steady relationship with a committed believer, looking toward the possibility of marriage. Isn’t that the reason you are dating in the first place? It’s interesting that both secular and Christian parenting experts suggest that single parents dating should think twice before introducing their children to people they are casually dating.

If the single parent dating partner reacts selfishly or simply cannot understand the children’s issues, I would pray about cutting losses and ending the relationship, since this would be just the beginning of problems.

Finally, when the single parent dating does decide to introduce their partner to the children, parenting experts suggest it be with little fanfare. In other words, introduce your special friend like you would any other friend, male or female. Avoid using words like love and dating, and do a fun, low stress activity. Only after children have spent several times meeting with the other person, should the single dating parent discuss the nature of the relationship.

Perhaps you are a single parent dating, and would like to share your dating tips with other single parents? Feel free to submit them here.

Note: David Butler, the author of this article, teaches Parent Education classes for the state of New Jersey, USA.

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